KCNET NEWSLETTER FUN PAGE 02/29/04
TRIVIA QUOTES CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS
TRIVIA: Clydesdales Trivia Hitch Requirements To qualify for one of the three traveling hitches, a Budweiser Clydesdale must be a gelding at least three years of age. He must stand 72 inches, or 6 feet, at the shoulder when fully mature, weigh between 1,800 and 2,300 pounds, be bay in color, have four white stocking feet, a blaze of white on the face, and a black mane and tail. A gentle temperament is also important, as the hitch horses meet millions of people each year.
Feed In two daily meals, a Budweiser Clydesdale hitch horse will consume as much as 25 to 30 quarts of feed, 50-60 pounds of hay and 30 gallons of water per day.
Hitch Locations Three traveling Budweiser Clydesdale hitches are based in St. Louis, MO., Menifee, CA., and Merrimack, NH. The Budweiser Clydesdales can be viewed at the Anheuser-Busch breweries in St. Louis, Merrimack and Ft. Collins, CO. The Budweiser Clydesdales also can be viewed at Grant's Farm, the 281-acre ancestral home of the Busch family, in St. Louis and at the following Anheuser-Busch theme parks: Busch Gardens in Williamsburg, VA, and Tampa, FL, and at the Sea World theme parks in Orlando, FL, San Diego, CA, and San Antonio, TX.
Drivers Driving the 12 tons of wagon and horses requires quite a bit of strength, stamina and skill. The 40 pounds of reins the driver holds, plus the tension of the reins, equals 75 pounds. All hitch drivers are put through a rigorous training period before they are given the reins. During long parades, the driver and the assistant often alternate the reins in order to remain fresh and alert.
Clydesdale Operations Based in St. Louis, Clydesdale Operations is responsible for maintaining and scheduling the three traveling hitches. They received thousands of requests for the "gentle giants" every year. Each request is evaluated on the type of event, dates, history or appearances in that particular area and other input from Anheuser-Busch management representatives
Stable The official home of the Budweiser Clydesdales is an ornate brick and stained-glass stable built in 1885 on the historic 100-acre Anheuser-Busch brewery complex in St. Louis. The building is one of three located on the brewery grounds that are registered as historic landmarks by the federal government
Transportation Ten horses, the famous red, white and gold beer wagon and other essential equipment are transported in three 50-foot tractor-trailers, which weigh 24 tons when fully loaded. Cameras in the trailers (with monitors in the cabs) enable the drivers to keep a watchful eye on their precious cargo during transport. The team stops each night at local stablings so the "gentle giants" can rest. The tractor-trailers are custom-built for the horses with air-cushion suspension, thick rubber flooring and vent fans to ease the rigors of traveling. Two tractor-trailers carry the Clydesdales, the third take everything else--the wagon, harnesses and other gear. The Clydesdale hitch teams always travel with a total of 10 "gentle giants" in order to provide rest for each of the eight "first-string" horses.
Show Time Performance days for a Budweiser Clydesdale are a combination of excitement and perfection. While the horses are groomed daily, special attention is given to their appearance on performance days. The expert grooms who travel with the horses spend about five hours washing and grooming the horses, polishing the harnesses, braiding red and white ribbons into the manes, and inserting red, white and blue bows into the tails. The entire harnessing process takes an additional 45 minutes. Once the harnessing is completed, Clydesdales are individually hitched to the 1903 Studebaker-built beer wagon. The wheel horses, those closest to the wagon (and generally the strongest), are hitched up first
Names Duke, Captain, Mark, and Bud are just a few of the names given to the Budweiser Clydesdales. Names are kept short to make it easier for the driver to give commands to the horses during a performance.
Horseshoes Clydesdale horseshoes measure more than 20 inches from end to end and weigh about five pounds--more than twice as long and five times as heavy as the shoe worn by a riding horse. A horse's hoof is made of a nerveless, hornlike substance similar to the human fingernail, so being fitted for shoes affects the animal no more than a manicure affects people
Dalmations Dalmatians have traveled with the hitch since the 1950's. In the early days of brewing, Dalmatians were bred and trained to protect the horses and guard the wagon when the driver went inside to make deliveries. The black-and-white spotted dogs were swift enough to keep up with the wagons, and their light-colored bodies and markings made them easier to see during the twilight hours. Today, the Dalmatians are perched atop the wagon, seated next to the driver.
Harness Each harness and collar weighs 130 pounds, and the entire set of eight is valued at more than $70,000. The harness is handcrafted from brass and leather. Pure linen thread is used for the stitching. The harness is made to fit any horse, but the collars come in different sizes and must be individually fitted like a suit of clothes.
Handlers Expert grooms travel on the road with the hitch. They are on the road 11 months every year.
Wagon Turn-of-the-century beer wagons have been meticulously restored and are kept in excellent repair. The wagons are equipped with two braking systems: a hydraulic pedal device that slows the vehicle for turns and descents down hills, and a hand brake that locks the rear wheels when the wagon is at a halt.
QUOTES: "A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life." --William Arthur Ward
"Trees like to have kids climb on them, but trees are much bigger than we are, and much more forgiving." --Diane Frolov
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car." --Steven Wright
"Death is life's way of telling you you're fired." --?
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter." --Winston Churchill
"If I'd known I was gonna live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." --Eubie Blake
"Diplomacy -- the art of saying "Nice doggie" till you can find a rock." -- Woody Allen
"Eighty percent of success is showing up." -- Woody Allen
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. . . . I want to achieve it through not dying." -- Woody Allen CHUCKLES AND BELLY LAUGHS Orders From Bob Casselberry to Bud to the Newsletter A fellow comes into a coffee shop and places his order. He says, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards." The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and says to the cook, "This fellow out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards. What does he think...this is an auto parts store?!" "No," the cook says, "three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights means two eggs - sunny side up - and the pair of running boards means two slices of crisp bacon." "Oh," says the waitress. She thinks about this for a few minutes and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer. The fellow says, "What are the beans for?" The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up."
Some cuties - some are repeats but still made me chuckle. From Carol Miller and others. Jesus' Dad's Name A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?" A little kid said, "Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.
KIDS IN CHURCH 3-year-old, Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
A. Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: (My Favorite) "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail.
One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to the church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner
It made sense to her. From Tom Livingston Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. ....How soon can I go Home?"
This is as dangerous as talking in one's sleep. From Gary n Patti He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine. "Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation" Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came too, he asked, "Now what was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called".
This one tells it like it is guys. Another Gary n Patti A store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, loves kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day.
Playing it safe. From Just For Grins A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the pastor went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the pastor asked, "Why after all these years don't we see you at services anymore?" The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, reverend," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
And a final one from C Wayne Wert. One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. He did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full. "Here's the problem," the doctor said, "He just needs to be changed." The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package specifically stated it is good for up to 10 lbs!"
THE GROANERS: Keeping time A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Hellooooo," answered the blonde, "they're watch dogs!"
Semantics. Two young nuns went to the supermarket in the convent's mini-minor. They couldn't find a parking spot so one said she'd keep circling the block while the other ducked into the store. Returning with a full cart, the nun could see no sign of her colleague. "Have you seen a nun in a red mini?" she asked a nearby policeman. "Not since I stopped drinking", he replied.
When it absolutely, positively shouldn't go UPS This one is a groaner because someone groaned big time. From Good Clean Fun and Bud Casselberry. Things aren't working well for the shipping part of this manufacturing company's ERP system, says a technician working there. "The whole process for calculating and paying the carriers for freight was not good," he says. "Our company makes motor oils and other fluids used in cars and trucks. Since the products weigh a lot, shipping cost is a very visible item the business is always trying to reduce." And the ERP system should help keep those costs under control. But no such luck. "We had an army of accountants trying to reconcile actual freight invoices to what we had calculated," says the technician. "To make a long story short, this was not working." After several years of this, the company finally upgrades to a new freight payment system. "This system would calculate the lowest-cost carrier for each shipment," the tech explained. "It would know all starting and ending points and the rates of all our carriers, and automatically pay the carrier as soon as the load leaves our plants. This makes the carriers happy, and they give us a better rate." For the first month after the new system rolls out, there are no serious problems. In fact, the system works very well at figuring out which shipper will move the products at the lowest cost, based on the data it has. "But in some cases the system may work too well," says the technician. "One of our customers is FedEx. I suppose they use our products to service their own fleet. Apparently not all the special discounts were entered in the system, because it decided that UPS was the lowest-cost carrier for the shipment to FedEx. "I guess the FedEx people were not happy to see the brown UPS truck roll up to their dock. Needless to say, account executives were called -- and the customer-specific freight rates were updated."
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