TRIVIA QUOTES CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS
TRIVIA: Star/Constellation Trivia * A bear figure has been connected with the constellation Ursa Major since the Ice Ages. * The ancient Babylonians and Egyptians had constellation figures before the Greeks. In some cases, these may correspond with later Greek constellations; in other cases, there is no correspondence; and in yet other cases an earlier figure might be represented in a different part of the sky. * Coma Berenices and Antinous were the last two constellations to be identified by the Greeks and Romans. * Canopus was the "lowest" visible star to the Ancient Greeks. * Ancient poets identified the Milky Way as the "road of the gods." * In antiquity the constellation Libra was known as the "Claws of the Scorpion." * The constellations Hydra, Crater, Corvus are all explained by the same Greek myth. * The constellation of the Hunter (Orion) is accompanied by his hunting dogs (Canis Major and Canis Minor) * The figures of Pegasus, Taurus, and Argo are only partially represented in their constellations. * The myth most often represented among the constellations is that of Perseus and Andromeda * The Babylonians and Greeks both identified the five visible planets with one of their gods. * The Pleiades were a seasonal sign common to many ancient civilizations. * Triangulum is the only geometric shape among the Greek and Roman constellation figures. * Three animals are represented twice among the constellations: Canis Major/Canis Minor, Ursa Major/Ursa Minor, Pisces/Piscis Austrinus. * The constellation figures of the northern hemisphere are over 2000 years old.
SUPER BOWL STATS
MORE SUPER BOWL FACTS
OTHER SUPER BOWL FACTS AND TRIVIA New Orleans has hosted the Super Bowl the most at 9 times. Miami has hosted 8 times. Dallas and San Francisco have won the most Super Bowls at 5 times. Pittsburgh has won 4 times. The longest Super Bowl winning streak has only been two in a row. Minnesota and Buffalo have lost the most Super Bowls at 4 times. Buffalo lost 4 times in a row. The longest run in a Super Bowl was 74 yards by Marcus Allen during Super Bowl XVIII. Mike Ditka and Tom Flores are the only two men to win a Super Bowl both as a player and a coach. In 1981, Oakland linebacker Rod Martin set a record with three interceptions. In 2000, St. Louis quarterback Kurt Warner set a record with 414 yards passing. In 1989, San Francisco wide receiver Jerry Rice gained 215 yards on 11 catches.
QUOTES: "Football isn't a contact sport, it's a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport." --Duffy Daugherty
"You're never as good as everyone tells you when you win, and you're never as bad as they say when you lose." --Lou Holtz
"I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room." --Blaise Pascal
"There are two types of people--those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am!' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'" --Frederick Collins
"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature." --Steven Wright
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day just exactly fits in the newspaper." --Jerry Seinfield
"Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half." --Gore Vidal
"If you can dream it, you can do it." -- Walt [Walter Elias] Disney
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." -- Walt [Walter Elias] Disney
"We have met the enemy and he is us." -- Walt [Walter Elias] Disney
CHUCKLES AND BELLY LAUGHS Want to test your IQ - try the question below: There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. Imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about this before you CLICKto go to the answer.
Wouldn't Miss It For All The Tea.... You'll know what I mean. A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium—he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?" "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
Subject:: Some Southern Humor - - - - - - --This one from Bud Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seed a snake wit a big frog in his mout. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs so he decided to steal dat froggie. Dat snake, hit be a cotton moufed water moccasin so he had to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't like dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip on his haid, yah. Well, Boudreaux pried hit's mout open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or hit's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a moonshine liquor. He pour a couple of draps into de snakes mout. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in hits haid and hits body go limp. Wit dat Boudreaux toss's dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin. A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dare dat water mocassin was wit two frogs in his mout.
For some reason this is one of my all time favorite stories. I laugh every time I read it. One of these times some one will change the punchline. Bud had this one in his jokesletter. After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the Chad the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence," says Chad , "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests Chad, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. He quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors It, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleads the worried driver, But the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans poor Chad. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger" Chief "Governor?" Cop "Bigger" "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" Chief: "What makes you think it is God?" Cop: "He's got the Pope for a driver!"
Seven Ages of the Married Cold Just For Grins for this one. 1st Year The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep throat that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some take-out from Tosini's. I've already arranged it with the head nurse." 2nd Year "Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doctor, and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?" 3rd Year "Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy, you need the rest. I'll bring you something --do we have any canned soup around here?" 4th Year "No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!" 5th Year "Why don't you take a couple aspirin?" 6th Year "You oughta go gargle or something instead of sitting around barking like a dog!" 7th Year "For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."
Doctor's aren't the only folks that have patience. Oh, they have patients. It is the same, waiting for something. There was a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies, and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Veronica, we just have half of the aisles to go through—don't be upset. It won't be long." Soon, they came to the candy aisle, and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Veronica, don't cry—only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out." When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, "Veronica, we'll be through this checkout stand in 5 minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap." The bagger followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her, "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Veronica." The mother replied, "I'm Veronica—my little girl's name is Jenny."
What is a Cat? C. Wayne Wert sent this one 1. Cats do what they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable. 4. They whine when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play, they want to be alone. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8. They're moody. 9. They leave hair everywhere. 10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog? 1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. 3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4. They growl when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play, they want to play. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They are great at begging. 8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. 9. They leave their toys everywhere. 10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
Where do pets come from? Sonya Vanorder sent this animal followup. A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well." And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't give a darn one way or the other.
Wayne Wert again for this one: A drunk man who smelled of booze sat down outside a bar on the street curb. A police officer watched him closely. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the police and asked, "Hey, Mr. Policeman, what causes arthritis?" The policeman responded, "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be darn," the drunk said, returning to his paper. The police officer, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man with his night stick and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Mr. Policeman. I was just reading here that the chief of police does".
He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple. If you got this wrong, please go dig a hole and hide. PS I'm writing this from the hole I had to dig. (Darn) Return to beginning of Chuckles
THE GROANERS: A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"
CANNIBAL COOKING Thanks to Irishrose, Rosemary Bednarczyk. Did you hear about the cannibal who kept getting stomach aches so he went to the local HMO witch doctor. The witch doctor asked him a bunch of questions and could not figure out what was wrong. As a last resort, the witch doctor asked the cannibal if he had eaten' anything strange. The cannibal replied "no." "Well, what are you eating?" the witch doctor asked. "The usual," replied the cannibal, "You know just a couple of those Missionaries every now and then." "Missionaries?" replied the witch doctor. "Just how do you cook them?" he asked. "The normal way" answered the cannibal as he described his recipe. "I boil a lot of water in the big pot, add a little seasoning, a few herbs and vegetables" he further related. Well, that sounded right to the witch doctor so he pressed a little further; "So, describe these missionaries to me" he asked. "Well," replied the cannibal, "you know the ones, they wear those brown robes, wear those sandals on their feet, and they have that bald spot on top of their head." "THAT'S IT!" exclaimed the witch doctor, "That's your problem! Those are friars... not boilers!!!"
The Brain Now this one hurts and I cannot believe C Wayne Wert actually shared it. In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
No Brainer Worldstart for this one "What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. "Well, I went down to Six Flags over the weekend and decided to take a ride on one of the roller coasters. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view." "And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor. "Yes." "What did it say?" "Don't stand up in the car!"
From Worldstart One day, a gorilla escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as in the newspapers, but no one reported seeing it. At last, the gorilla was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo and the animal handlers were summoned to the library where they found it sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The gorilla was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible and the other was Darwin's "Origin of Species". The zoo keepers asked the gorilla what he was doing. The gorilla replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
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