TRIVIA QUOTES CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS
TRIVIA: The Moon Without attending astronomy classes we already know the moon has four main phases: new moon, waxing moon, full moon and waning moon. The moon cycle or lunar month is about 28 to 29½ days long, displaying 13 cycles during the year. Terms and Definitions Waxing - The time from the first day of the new moon to the full moon. You might think of this as a candle dripping. As it drips, it builds up. During this phase the moon looks like the letter "D." Waning - The time from the full moon to the new moon. During this phase the moon looks like the letter "C." Gibbous - You might run across the term waxing gibbous or waning gibbous. This is the "pregnant" time of the moon. More than half of its surface is illuminated approaching and departing from the full moon. (definition below)
New Moon - The new moon rises at sunrise and is visible in the sky all day. Moonrise occurs about an hour later each day.
First Quarter - The waxing moon rises about noon and remains visible until about midnight. The "D" shape stands for the French word, dure, meaning strong or enduring.
Full Moon - The full moon rises at sunset and is visible most of the night. It is not visible during the daytime.
Last Quarter - The waning moon rises about midnight and remains visible until about noon. The "C" shape is "coy" or shyly retiring.
". . . once in a Blue Moon . . ." This is a fairly common usage of the term Blue Moon. There is no such thing as a Blue Moon - but certain atmospheric conditions can cause the Moon to appear blue. The moon turned blue in 1883, 1927 and 1951. The Indonesian volcano Krakotoa exploded in 1883 throwing up huge clouds of dust and fine debris, which the wind carried to various parts of the world. The dust particles caused scattering of the reflected sunlight causing a bluish glow from the Moon. A similar dusty condition in India in 1927 was caused by the late arrival of the Indian monsoons. The unusually hot and dry weather threw up enough dust to cause a blue moon. The latest blue moon was witnessed in 1951, due to forest fires in western Canada. The smoke particles also caused the occurrence of a blue moon. Blue Moon Defined Blue Moon (What's a Blue Moon?, Sky & Telescope) is a term describing an astronomical event. Due to the Moon's synodic period of 29.53 days, there will be certain months, although rare, in the Gregorian calendar where there are two full moons. The 2nd of such full moon occurring within the same Gregorian month is a Blue Moon. This is the widely understood definition of Blue Moon until the following..... Blue Moon Redefined In the article "Blue Moon" Blooper, March 25, 1999, Sky & Telescope magazine, said that the earlier definition above is incorrect due to an error in interpretation 53 years ago! (Sky & Telescope's March 1946 issue). Recently, it was discovered that the 1937 edition of the Maine Farmers' Almanac, which reportedly mentioned the occurrence of a Blue Moon in August of that year but it was not the 2nd full moon. After much research, Olson Sinnott and Richard Tresch Fienberg concluded that Maine almanac meant the third full Moon in a season with four is the Blue Moon. They also noted that the definition is valid only if you mark the beginnings of the seasons using an outmoded rule based on the dates of Easter and Lent. So whilst we finally put to rest the definition of Blue Moons, the search for such Blue Moons is a little more involved. Quite a number of astronomers prefers to stick with the 2nd full moon definition. Recent Blue Moons The most recent Blue Moons occurred in January and March of 1999. There were two full moons in January - 2nd & 31st and again in March 2nd and 31st. January 31st and March 31st are Blue Moons (2nd full moon definition). The next Blue Moon will occur on 06:06 July 31st, 2004 UT.
Red Moon Certain atmospheric and astronomical conditions will cause the Moon to appear red or copperish red. Red Moons are usually visible at the time of total lunar eclipse. The Moon exhibits a coppery (bloody) color due to sunlight refracting or bending through the Earth's atmosphere. In addition, dust particles in the Earth's atmosphere removes much of the bluer colors in the sunlight so only the redder colors make it to the Moon.
Blind Moons? These are rarer than Blue Moons! Blind Moons are Gregorian months which does not have a full moon. In an 80 years period, between 1970 thru 2050, there are only 2 Blind Moons! It occurred in Feb 1999 and will occur again in Feb 2018.
Moon Distance From Earth For the period 1990-2020:- Closest Moon-Earth distance = 356,509km on Nov 14, 2016 Furthest Moon-Earth distance = 406,707km on March 14, 2002 For the period 1500-2500:- Closest Moon-Earth distance = 356,371km on Jan 1, 2257 Furthest Moon-Earth distance = 406,720km on Feb 3, 2125 and Jan 7, 2266 During 20th Century:- Closest Moon-Earth distance = 356,375km on Jan 4, 1912 Furthest Moon-Earth distance = 406,712km on March 2, 1984 Source: Meeus "Astronomical Tables of the Sun, Moon and Planets"
QUOTES: "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away & kept the stork." -- Mae West
"Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement." --Mark Twain
"Santa Claus has the right idea -- visit people only once a year." --Victor Borge
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." --Mark Twain
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce." --"Mark Twain
"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential foodgroups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat" --Alex Levine
"There's no labor a man can do that's undignified, if he does it right." --Bill Cosby
"No matter how far you have gone on a wrong road, turn back." --Turkish proverb
"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much." --Oscar Wilde
CHUCKLES AND BELLY LAUGHS Three Stores From Good Clean Fun and Bud Casselberry A commercial property owner has three shops in a row, all for rent. The first prospective lessee shows up, and says he wants to rent the shop on the left. The owner says, "Fine, what kind of shop do you have?" The guy says, "A men's wear shop." The owner tells him he gets free signage and asks what he wants on the sign. "Men's Wear," says the man. A second guy comes along and wants to rent the right hand shop. When asked he says he wants "Men's Wear" on his sign. The owner tells him that the left hand shop will be the same. "No problem," says the man. Finally a third man comes along to rent the middle shop. The owner is most concerned because this guy also has a men's wear shop. Rather wearily the owner asks him what he wants on his sign. The guy replies: "Entrance."
The Three Nurses Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St.Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried ourbest to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a veryhigh stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients aretoo sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looksat her file and admits her to heaven. The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO." St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!
This one from C Wayne Wert A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others. "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior. After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said..."Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass!"
Last Words The next two are from Just For Grins Two husbands, Jon and Dave, were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then Dave said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word." "Wow!" said Jon, "How do you manage that?" "It's easy," replied Dave. "My last words are always 'Yes, Dear.'"
Jimmy was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When the teacher's eyes fell on Jimmy, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his behind. "James, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart." Jimmy replied, "It is over my heart." After several attempts to get Jimmy to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?" "Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."
The lineup Bud sent this one from Dr Bill Hamm A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going tomarry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her.
Another C Wayne Wert One day at a family reunion, the grandparents were reminiscing. The grandfather remarked, "I wonder what ever happened to the old-fashioned girls who fainted when a man kissed them." The grandmother gave him a withering look, "What I'd like to know," she said, "is what happened to the old-fashioned men who made them faint!"
These answers were given by elementary school age children to the following questions: Why did God make mothers? 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think. Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom? 1. We're related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me. What kind of little girl was your Mom? 1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your Mom marry your dad? 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on. Who's the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad. What's the difference between moms and dads? 1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. What does your Mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don't do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your Mom perfect? 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be? 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
Tom Livingston sent this latest batch of Jeff Foxworthy specialties! Each sentence starts with: YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... Your standard of living improves when you go camping. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting. You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode. None of the tires on your van are the same size. You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it. Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet. You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House. Starting your car involves popping the hood. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays. You whistle at women in church. You actually wear shoes your dog brought home. You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat.
THE GROANERS: Coincidence A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
Jeannie the Fairy Geni A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh... immediately he turned ninety!!!
WOMEN'S HUMOR One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
This one is lame even for Groaners but I'm almost out of Groaners. Just to be different, a farmer in Holland decided to plant wheat one year instead of tulips. While he was planting his crop, he noticed water oozing from the dam which kept his field from flooding. Thinking it didn't amount to much, and that the water might be needed by the wheat, he let the leak alone. Many months later, when it was time to harvest his crop, he awoke to find his house filled with rising water. The trickle of water from the dam had become a gusher, and his fields were completely flooded. Luckily, the farmer was able to improvise a raft from one of the doors and found a board to use as an oar. He was able to escape just before the dam burst completely and washed his house away. The moral of the story: As ye seep, so shall ye row.
OOPs!! Now I am out of Groaners---See ya next week
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