KCNET NEWSLETTER FUN PAGE 01/18/04
TRIVIA QUOTES CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS
TRIVIA: How many millionaires are there in the United States? a 85,000 b 120,000 c 380,000 d 5 million e 3.5 million There are 5 million households in the United States with net worth in excess of $1 million. About 2.7 million of these households have at least $1 million in liquid assets not including homes. This compares with a net worth of only $35,000 for the average American household.
How many billionaires (in U.S. dollars) are there in the world? a 27 b 450 c 1,200 d 5,500 e 25,000 There are about 450 billionaires in the world. About 150 of these live in the United States. This is up from less than 100 ten years ago. The combined wealth of the top 10 billionaires is more than the entire gross domestic product of Mexico for an entire year. The top 25 billionaires could pay off nearly 10% of the entire US national debt.
What is the highest denomination U.S. banknote ever issued? a $100 b $500 c $1,000 d $100,000 e $1_million Although the highest denomination in circulation today is $100, it has only been about 30 years since much higher denominations were available. High denomination notes of $500, $1,000, $5,000 and $10,000 were last printed in 1945, but continued to be issued for circulation until 1969. However, the highest denomination notes ever printed by the Bureau of Engraving and Printing were the $100,000 Gold Certificates issued in 1934. These notes were used for transactions between federal reserve banks and were not circulated among the general public.
What is the lowest denomination U.S. paper money ever issued? a 3 cents b 5 cents c 25 cents d 50_cents e $1 During the Civil War period, people hoarded coins because of their intrinsic value. This created a drastic shortage of coins for circulation. To deal with this problem, the Bureau of Engraving and Printing produced "fractional currency" starting in 1862. The lowest denomination in this series was three cents. Fractional notes were discontinued in 1876.
The lowest figure reached by the Dow Jones Industrial average in the twentieth century was on July 8, 1932, when it stood at 41.22.
The American Stock Exchange, until 1953, was called the Curb Exchange, dating to the days when all trading was done outside on curbstones and sidewalks. The exchange didn't move indoors until 1921.
Piggy banks get their name from a type of clay called pygg. Pygg clay was originally used to make jars in which people saved money. Because they were known as pygg jars or pygg banks, they eventually were made in the shape of pigs and later called piggy banks.
If you wanted to count a billion dollars—one dollar at a time—it would take you thirty-two years if you counted one dollar every second, day and night, day after day, year after year, without stopping.
A dollar is also called a "buck" because in the early frontier days, the skin of a male deer (or a buck) bought a dollar's worth of goods at the market.
No living person can be pictured on U.S. currency or stamps. This wasn't always the case. In 1864, the head of the Bureau of Currency, Spencer Clark, decided to put his own portrait on a new issue of money. Congress didn't like this idea and passed a law prohibiting any living person's picture from being shown on currency or stamps. That prevented any official or politician from taking advantage of that kind of publicity.
Nickels are made of 75 percent copper and only 25 percent nickel.
This one will blow you away. Does the new U.S. $20 bill contain hidden pictures of the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks? Well...grab a $20 dollar bill and try this: http://www.foldmoney.com/
QUOTES: "Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded." --Tim Allen
"If you think that you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito." -- Betty Reese
"However much we guard against it, we tend to shape ourselves in the image others have of us." --Eric Hoffer
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain
"Everything's in the mind. That's where it all starts. Knowing what you want is the first step toward getting it." --Mae West
"Difficulties exist to be surmounted." --Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Luck is largely a matter of paying attention." --Susan M. Dodd
"To give and not to feel that one has given is the very best of all ways of giving." --Max Beerbohm
"Give, if thou can, an alms; if not, a sweet and gentle word." --Robert Herrick
"Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some." --Alfred Hitchcock
"Television is chewing gum for the eyes." --Frank Lloyd Wright
"Thanks to television, for the first time the young are seeing history made before it is censored by their elders." --Margaret Mead
"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it." --Laurence J Peter
CHUCKLES AND BELLY LAUGHS NEW EXERCISE PROGRAM Recommended by Sonya VanOrder Here's an exercise program for the new year. Some say it's targeted for seniors, but after having done it I have to say I know a number of people who could benefit from it, whether they are seniors or not. You might want to take it easy at first, then build up your speed and repetitions as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some. ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM. NOW SCROLL DOWN...
NOW SCROLL UP... That's enough for the first day
Diets & Dying: I shoulda put this one in the KCnet Forum. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
The Mother-In Law What a maligned group of women. A middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only six month's to live because of a terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest. "What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor. His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law". Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?" "Because it'll be the longest six months of my life!"
This one from Dr Bill Hamm. I guess a doctor can relate to this one. A man goes to see the doctor because he has a sore throat. The nurse tells him to take all his clothes off and sit on the bench in the hall. The man tries to protest, but the nurse doesn't listen and just repeats the same orders then leaves the area. The man complies with her orders and joins another naked man sitting on the bench. The man starts complaining to the man already sitting there, that he only has a sore throat and doesn't understand why he has to take all his clothes off. The man who was already sitting on the bench nude, looks at the other man and says "You think that's bad, I'm just here to pay my bill."
PILOTS: This is cute, please no letters. This one from Dr Bill to Bud. A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese.It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?" "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!" "No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese." "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese......doesn't matter, you're all alike!" There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces. "Why not?" asks the captain. "Jews sink Titanic." "Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!" "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah......all same!"
Anniversary Gift From Good Clean Fun For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting. When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!" "I suppose," the husband responded, "we could clean the house."
Bud gets the credit for this one too. A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen." "Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to." He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.'?"
How many did you catch... A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies. "Tch Tch!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?" "Fishin', sir." "Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?" The old man stood up, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?" The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"
Just For Grins again. I am sharing this with reluctance, knowing that this youngster has misinterpreted the intelligence of the other parent. I was out walking with my (then) 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs." At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." "Oh." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."
THE GROANERS: Dead Duck An old, but embellished a bit, one from Clyde Glossner A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied." "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged.. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan...
CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES? This one from Gary and Patti A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film -- like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather...."are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal". That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes..... so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"? Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them! . Now don't ask me about it anymore!" Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out." Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, Go lay down!"
Heavy Rain C Wayne Wert sent this one There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house. The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us." The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them. The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again. An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them. Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again. Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "You idiot, I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"
Another blonde joke... ha ha ha David Glossner found this one amusing. These three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a brunette, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity, and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this woman to die, and they let her go. The second one, a redhead, strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the University of Arkansas School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this woman's side, so they let her go. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect those two wires right there."
This one from Just For Grins Bernice was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When she returned, Berniceshocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" Bernice nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping all day."
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