KCNET NEWSLETTER FUN PAGE 01/04/04 This site best viewed with a computer and a monitor! (Both preferably in working order, and turned on...)
TRIVIA QUOTES CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS
TRIVIA: Fruitcake Trivia The first fruitcakes were baked in the Middle Ages, when flour was added to fruits and nuts, and the mixture was then baked in a frying pan over an open fire. Later the English came up with their own version, called a prophecy cake, and offered it on January 6. Some of these cakes were decorated with colorful icings and contained coins or thimbles inside. In fruitcake lore, whoever found the coin would be assured wealth in the new year; the thimble promised peace on the home front.
Winter Trivia How many times a year does the sun set and rise in the Arctic? Once What is "hoar"? A type of frost formed by flat frozen crystals Which of the following conditions would help sound travel further and sound clearer? When the snow surface becomes smooth and hard from time or strong winds What ratio of people buried in avalanches survive the ordeal? One in four Where do icicles most often form? The south side of buildings What is a "toque"? The word Canadians use for winter hat What percentage of fresh snow is composed of air? 80% What was the world record for the most snowfall in a 24-hour period? 76 inches in Silver Lake, Colorado Who invented the snowmobile? Joseph-Armand Bombardier of Quebec The largest iceberg ever recorded worldwide was 207 miles long and 62 miles wide. Where was it found? In the Arctic
How much Dr Seuss do you know? What is Dr Seuss' real name? Theodor Geisel What is the name of the Grinch's dog? Max In the book The Cat in the Hat, what color is the cat's hat? Red and white Of the following books by Dr Seuss, which was NOT written for children? The Seven Lady Godivas Green Eggs and Ham was written on a bet. What was it? That Dr Seuss couldn't write a book using only 50 different words In There's a Wocket in my Pocket! what is on the sofa? A bofa What issue was Dr Seuss trying to enlighten readers about in The Lorax? Environmental issues In How The Grinch Stole Christmas, the Grinch's heart was originally too small. How small was it? Two sizes too small According to Dr Seuss, who can Moo? Mr Brown In what inspirational book does Dr Seuss warn; "NEVER mix up your right foot with your left"? Oh, the Places You'll Go!
QUOTES:
In the depths of winter I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. -- Albert Camus
If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant. -- Anne Bradstreet
Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just look what they do when they stick together. --Verna M. Kelly
The frost performs its secret ministry, Unhelped by any wind. --Samuel Taylor Coleridge - Frost at Midnight
CHUCKLES AND BELLY LAUGH MISLEADING HEADLINES (they made sense to the writer) Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Crack Found on Governor's Daughter Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
'Twas the day after Christmas - After Christmas Humor 'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse. The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, While upstairs the family continued to snore. And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, I went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror. The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox. Bill after bill, after bill, they still came. Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's. To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall, Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work. He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk. He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road, Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer, "Enjoy what you got. . . . you'll be paying all year!"
Daily Thoughts From Just For Grins I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas and she said "a shotgun." I thought that was strange because she isn't a hunter. On Christmas morning I was stunned when I opened her present to me, a T shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
"For Christmas I bought my brother a combination fax machine and paper shredder. Either we hooked it up wrong or a lot of people are faxing him confetti." Anthony Clarke
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included." Bernard Manning
Old Man at the Bar A man went into a bar and ordered several shots of vodka. By the time the bar was closing, he was wasted. He got up to leave and fell flat on his face. "Well, I don't want the bartender to think I'm drunk, so I'll pretend I tripped and I'll try it again." So he gets up and falls on his face. "Well, the door's not too far away; I'll just crawl." When he gets outside he thinks, "Well, I only live 4 blocks away; I can make it that far." So he stands up and falls on his face. He decides he'll try it 1 block at a time, and at every block he falls flat on his face. Finally he makes it home, stand up and falls on the bed. In the morning his wife wakes him up. "You were drunk again last night, weren't you?," she said. "How did you know?," the man replied. "The bartender called. He said you left your wheelchair at the bar!"
Tickets to the theater....Bill Hamm to Bud Casselberry to Mike to the Newsletter. A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time. A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them." The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theater, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!"
Friends Just for Grins Scott and Glenn were walking down the street, when Glenn turned to Scott and said, "Scott, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all that, would you give me one?" Scott replied, "Glenn, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, yeah, I would give one to you." They continued walking. After a couple of minutes, Scott turns to Glenn and asked, "Glenn, if you had two of those luxury, playboy-type yachts—you know, with all the modern conveniences—would you give one to me?" Glenn replied, "Scott, you and me are like brothers. You were best man at my wedding. If I had two of those luxury playboy yachts with all the modern conveniences, then yeah, Scott, I really would give one to you." They kept walking. A couple of minutes later, Glenn turns to Scott and says, "Scott, if you had two chickens..." "Now hold on there! Glenn, you know I've got two chickens!"
Strategic responses to the ever dangerous "Do I look Fat" question: Thanks to Wayne Smith. "No, not to Stevie Wonder." "Does this tie make me look stupid?" "No hablo ingles." "Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things kinda balance out." "If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won." "Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make." "Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity." "Let me jog around to your front and take a look." "No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains." "Whoa! A talking couch!!" "May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"
THE GROANERS: How long: Bill Hamm This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork. "About two hours," says the conductor. "OK," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?" The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about two hours. Why'd you think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a long time between New Year and Christmas!"
Blonde at the Appliance Store A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
He Tried A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, "ROAR," step, step, "ROAR," all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
Here's a gooder one! From Carole to Bud. A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a nice looking girl who was at the beach pretty much every day .She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel! and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesman." "A battery salesman?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied. "She sells 'C' cells down by the seashore!"
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