KCNET OPEN HOUSE.....JULY 16 (MEMBERS).....JULY 17 (RIBBON CUTTING).....NOON-6:00 PM...... TRIVIA QUOTES CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS
TRIVIA: One in five American teenagers believes that the US declared its independence from...France?! (Source: NY Daily News)
Why do we chill white wine but serve red wine at room temperature? One of the most gut-wrenching sights I have ever seen is a person I love dearly dropping several ice cubes into a stein of beer. Appalling! But then part of being an adult is coming to terms with the fact that those you love are not perfect. There are also people who get a little cold-crazy with wine, making a slurpy-slush ice drink out of the best vino. Cease and desist, please! Allowing for a little variation in taste - careful, we're watching you - the whites go in the fridge and the reds are served at room temperature, or slightly below. Here's why: Reds are fermented with the grape skin. This leaves them with tannins and other acidic components, the bitter taste of which is magnified by chilling, overwhelming the grape flavor. The skinless, tannin-less whites simply taste better cold. But remember, you're not going to skate on it. WHY DO DOGS HAVE WET NOSES? By David Feldman
Who is buried on the moon? What little bit of cleverness is this going to involve, you might be thinking. What have they been smoking? Well, there's actually a straightforward answer. People have played golf on the moon, haven't they? If you can bury a putt on earth's satellite, why not a person? It's been done. His name was Dr. Eugene Shoemaker, an astro-geologist who, with his astronomer wife, discovered Shoemaker-Levy 9 Comet in 1994. In 1999, NASA sent up a spacecraft to map the moon. It also carried Shoemaker's ashes (he had died, naturally). After the craft had plotted its last lunar coordinates, it was sent crashing into the moon. In death as in life, Dr. Shoemaker had made an impact. JUST CURIOUS JEEVES by Jack Mingo and Erin Barrett
Exactly what is a calliope? You probably know it when you hear it, but could you describe a calliope to someone and explain how it works? Of course, it's the watcha-ma-call-it that goes clackety-clack, toot- toot, boombah, gong-plunk at circuses and in the middle of merry-go-rounds. The calliope, a mid-nineteenth century American invention, resembles a phantasmagoric organ, adorned by wooden figurines and caricatures of musical instruments. It makes its sound through pipes. But compressed steam, not air, blows through those pipes. The calliope was often pulled on a wagon at the end of a circus parade for safety's sake, in case the final sound was the KABOOM of an exploding boiler. Named for a Greek goddess of poetry, the calliope used to be played from a keyboard. But today an automatic rotating cylinder is more likely to open and close the valves that govern the flow of steam. THE WORLD BOOK ENCYCLOPEDIA
What bird grows to a height of 8 feet and can weigh in at 350 pounds? Who said a parakeet on steroids? It's the ostrich, of course. In addition to coming in the large, economy size, ostriches are hearty enough to tolerate temperatures down to about 20 below zero Fahrenheit and they can live to about age 50, even in the wild. Despite their size, captive birds can thrive on about $75 worth of food a year. You say you think they do what? Shhh. At their size they're big enough to bury YOUR head in the sand. Their brains are small, but not small enough that they would do what people mistakenly think they do. THE NEW YORK TIMES
She loves you, she loves you not In 1963, Dick Clark tried out a new recording on his TV rock n' roll show, "American Bandstand." Asked to rate "She Loves You," by a little known English group called the Beatles, teens on his show judged it "all right," "not that easy to dance to," and "doesn't seem to have anything special." So, on a scale from Wayne Newton to Neil Sedaka, they would have rated it . . . PANATI'S PARADE OF FADS, FOLLIES, AND MANIAS
Where are they now? There were 30 acts at the original Woodstock Festival in 1969. Some of them, such as The Grateful Dead, Janis Joplin and The Who, are legendary. But whatever happened to the Keef Hartley Band, Quill and Bert Sommer? A little-known fact is that everyone was so wasted by the third day of Woodstock that Bing Crosby and Rudy Vallee did walk-ons, and nobody noticed. THE EVERYTHING TRIVIA BOOK
The oldest continuously published newspaper in the USA is the Hartford Courant, founded in 1764? (Source: Hartford page, Defunct Hockey Teams site)
QUOTES "Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns. I am thankful that thorns have roses." --Allophones Karr
"The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy." -- Anon.
"It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation." --Herman Melville
"The key to good barbecuing is having a sauce that can cover up your mistakes." --Erma Bombeck
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back." -- Franklin Jones
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday." --Rodney Dangerfield
"Real difficulties can be overcome, it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable." --Theodore N. Vail
"People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile" --Lee Mildon
CHUCKLES AND BELLY LAUGHS This one from Good Clean Fun via Bud Casselberry Ring-A-Ding A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?" "Yes, it is," came the reply. "Thank God! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to number 4 on my phone."
From Send Me a Joke Gardner goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Gardner," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks boss," says Gardner, "I knew I could count on you!"
Proper Wages Wayne Wert sent this gem. A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them." "All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board." "Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. "Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco." "Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that half-wit!" "You're talkin' to him now," said the farmer.
From Joke of the Day Three ministers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one. "No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, " he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
HUMOR OUT OF THE BOX.... This one from Herb Budinger An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old timer said, "I'm a fisherman and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out fishing all day." The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he went fishing with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive ... he's a fisherman." The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead? The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went fishing with you this morning too?" The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married." The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?" The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
This good one from Joke of the Day. A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager. The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows; For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.
Last Laugh A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
THE GROANERS: Tim and Tony - - - - WARNING! This is a real groaner! Bud sent this one. There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their Senior year in High School. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope. In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected, smoke rose from the chimney at the Vatican and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope. Antonio was beyond surprise; he was devastated, because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?" After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called ... Pope Secola.
An Unusual Meeting Joke of the Day A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
This makes sense to the painter. With the county painting lines down the center of the Highway the supervisor tells the new man he is exspected to paint two miles of highway a day. The new man goes to work and paints four miles the first day. The next day the man paints two miles and the Supervisor thinks that's OK. The third day the man paints only one mile. "What's the problem" the boss asks. An injury? Some reason you are painting less and less each day? The new man replies "Well, I keep getting further and further away from the paint bucket.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Raffle prizes Dr. Bill Hamm gets the credit for this one. Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?" "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
Congratulations you have finished this week's Newsletter. I hope you have enjoyed the writings, graphics and music. You are welcome to share this information with friends and relatives regardless of their internet affiliation. I look forward to sharing this time with you again next week.