KCNET NEWSLETTER FUN PAGE 06/22/03 This site best viewed with a computer and a monitor! (Both preferably in working order, and turned on...)
TRIVIA: How does one become a circus clown? The easiest way to become a clown is to come from a family of them. (Never mind the smartass remarks; you know I'm referring to professionals.) Barring that, you have to go to school to learn the basics. The Ringling Brothers Circus, biggest of the "big tops," runs a clown college, where you learn everything from juggling to how to paint your face to how to stand on your head. After graduating, you start at the bottom, with low pay. Are you ready to do it? Not so fast. Competition to get in is fierce, and only 10 percent of the graduates are offered jobs. You have to have many kinds of physical skills and have a real knack for entertaining. It's not enough just to score high on the S. A. T. (Silly Attitude Test). JUST CURIOUS JEEVES
Why do we associate Dalmatians with firemen? I could imagine 101 different reasons. But lest anyone accuse me of dogging it, I've pawed through some reference sources to bring you a credible answer. The answer is simple. The key facts are that there is a natural affinity between Dalmatians and horses, and Dalmatians make good watchdogs. People who owned valuable horses often kept Dalmatians around to guard them against horse thieves. Fire engines used to be drawn by fast and powerful horses, a tempting target for thieves. So, Dalmatians were kept in the firehouse as deterrence to theft. The horses have long since gone, but the Dalmatians, by tradition, have stayed. Would you like an even simpler explanation? Firemen are often on the spot, while the spots are always on the Dalmatians. THE HANDY SCIENCE ANSWER BOOK compiled by The Carnegie Library of Pittsburgh
How common is limb regeneration in animals? (answer below) I’d give my right arm to know exactly - as long as I could replace it. What’s clear is that, while limb regeneration is rare in mammals, it happens often enough among simple organisms, such as hydra, and even amphibians, such as salamanders, to have encouraged medical researchers to hope they can eventually regrow human limbs. Heck, salamanders can even mend a broken heart - literally. Research on human regeneration has concentrated on stem cells, those undifferentiated structures that, when programmed correctly, can do just about anything, anatomy- wise. Creatures such as salamanders seem to possess complicated cells that can revert to stem cell status and thus become whatever is needed - spare parts machines in waiting. “I’d like to say we’ve made tremendous progress, but that would be a lie,” says one researcher about human regeneration. Maybe she should lie, let her nose grow longer, and offer it for the benefit of science. Source: www.nytimes.com
On next year’s SAT There are about 50 million American children enrolled in elementary school and high school. They are taught by a little over 6 million teachers, who earn an average salary of about $42,000 a year. If each child brings an apple to the teacher once a week, by how much would the average teacher’s after-tax income be decreased as a result of gift taxes on the fruit? Source: www.census.gov
Is that all there is? I don't know whether to pity or envy the Mayfly. After hatching, it takes up to three years to grow up, and then spends only one day as an adult. During that day it mates, lays eggs and expires. ISAAC ASIMOV'S BOOK OF FACTS
QUOTES: "You have it easily in your power to increase the sum total of this world's happiness now. How? By giving a few words of sincere appreciation to someone who is lonely or discouraged. Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime." --Dale Carnegie
"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself." --William Faulkner
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible." -- George Burns
"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy." --Charlie McCarthy
"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." -- Charlotte Whitton
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech --every now and then she stops to breathe." -- Jimmy Durante
"If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe." --Carl Sagan
"The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not our circumstances." --Martha Washington
"The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas." --Linus Pauling
"Some people dream of success... while others wake up and work hard at it." --Anon
"Inspirations never go in for long engagements; they demand immediate marriage to action." --Brendan Francis
CHUCKLES AND BELLY LAUGHS: Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Gotcha!! From Linda Frye A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctor operated and after the surgery advised him that all was well. However, in the recovery room the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctor hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence... "Get well quick...from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
Subject: Curse of the Squirrels From John Kneedler (lets not get testy about our affiliations here. This is all in jest) There were three country churches in a small town: the Presbyterian church, the Methodist church and the Catholic church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting of the Session to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. The Methodist formed a committee to decide the action to take. They decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
This one from Bud Casselberry. Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew. Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying. Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam -- are you up there? Did you make it okay?" There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"
Sewing Lesson This one from Good Clean Fun My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"
This one also from Bud and Linda Frye sent it too. While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
As of today, we have had 4.75 inches of rain for MAY All the explanation anyone needs. (That was a day early in May) This one from Bert Rice A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan, who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss one off to the side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. He strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment but I couldn't help wondering why you are tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?" "Ah, those . . ." Satan said with a groan. "They're from Pennsylvania- too cold and too wet to burn ."
Bud had a good week. I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs? I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked. "No I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?", "No," I said,"I've never done any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why in world do you want to live to be 80?
THE GROANERS: I got a lot of extra good Groaners the past couple of weeks so here goes.
THIS IS A GROANER FOR SURE Wayne Smith suggested this one. He should be required to sit alone for a long time. A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head ! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.....then to the right....right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"
Sadly, this could be the truth. There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Just for Grins When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local DMV was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
Another good one from John Kneedler Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank like a stone to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell her the news, he said, "Mary, I have good news &bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses". "The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with the belt of his robe. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
Subject: Why I couldn't hold a job: more pun---ishment Subject: My Resume..... Thanks to Janet Shields for this one. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ... mainly because it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting. Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice too my life but I just didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
Of course we need a blonde groaner. Thanks to Sue Clements. A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, "HELLLLO. You need to roll up the windows.
Subject: Fw: Blonde speeding ticket Tom Livingston sent this one A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled /her over and the officer walked up to the car. The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."
AND FINALLY!! This one from Sonya VanOrder. We may require her to sit alone for awhile too. Subject: Three Little Pigs Story Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy. The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy. "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?" You're gonna LOVE this.... Hold on to your seat . At the risk of never receiving e-mail ever again........ The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
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