KCNET NEWSLETTER 03/02/03
TRIVIA QUOTES THIS WEEK'S CUTIES
TRIVIA: How could a starfish possibly eat a clam? Yes, "If it's hungry, it could," is an acceptable answer. But not with great ease, one would conjecture, given what both sea creatures look like. So how do those spiny, five- armed thingies do it? The answer is that while starfish are very decorative when viewed from the top, they are all business when seen from the bottom. There are tiny suction tubes on each arm. Clam up as it may, the star-crossed mollusk doesn't have a chance. The starfish latches on to both halves of the clam's shell and pulls each in the opposite direction. "Open wide, little clam," says the starfish, and open it does. Then slurp, slurp, and there's one less clam on the seabed. Shucks, isn't nature wonderful? HOW A FLY WALKS UPSIDE DOWN by Martin M. Goldwyn
Why is an expensive but nonproductive possession called a "white elephant"? Wayne Wert recommended this topic. This is said to have originated with the king of Siam, who supposedly gave white elephants to members of his court he wished to ruin. White elephants, at that time, were considered sacred and were not allowed to do work, yet they still had to be fed and cared for. Thus a possession that must be maintained at high cost but that offers no productive output in return is said to be a "white elephant."
Why are there no seat belts in buses? These days there are seat belts on school buses in many areas of the United States, mandated by law. But the vehicles used by the general public are still beltless. Given the way many urban bus drivers maneuver in heavy traffic, you might think this is a subtle attempt to winnow out the population, lowering its average age. But the reasons are much more ordinary. The main one is that adults can't be coerced into using belts in the way that kids can. You can't keep an adult after school or threaten to call the parents in for a little talk. Some localities have tried to get adults to use belts on buses, but they just won't buckle up. Another reason you hear is that installing belts would add to the cost of building a bus. But you don't think that lower profits or higher cost would be a factor, do you? IMPONDERABLES: THE SOLUTION TO THE MYSTERY OF EVERYDAY LIFE by David Feldman
Why do we call advertising and political hype, ballyhoo? Ballyhoo is such a marvelous word and it sounds so appropriate that one might guess it was made up because it sounds just like what it is. But that guess would be entirely wrong, which is the sort of thing that makes word origins so intriguing. Imagine that you are off in the village of Ballyhooly in County Cork, Ireland. Now cover your ears. You see, the village was famous for its argumentative residents, who would debate loud and long and with great passion about almost anything. So famous were they for this cacophony - not to mention, hot air - that loud arguments and speeches anywhere were compared to the goings on at Ballyhooly. In time, the last two letters were dropped, making it a noun. Eventually it was applied to the high-decibel, low-content communication style frequently found on Capitol Hill and Madison Avenue. At its worst, of course, that's really ballyhooey.
Overdue The great library of Alexandria, founded in 295 BC, held 700,000 books at its peak. But much of it was destroyed by fire in A.D. 47 when Julius Caesar laid siege to the city. Caesar had borrowed several books that were substantially overdue. Thus one of history's most famous disasters may have been a cover-up to avoid paying a fine. DO FISH DRINK WATER?
Road kill on a bun Late last year China opened the 780-mile Jinghu Expressway, connecting Beijing and Shanghai. But goat herders, used to crossing the area that now features cars exceeding 70 mph, have ignored warnings to stay off the road. On the one hand, the animals occasionally slow up traffic. On the other hand, sometimes they don't, making goat burgers more plentiful in Beijing than they used to be. THE WALL STREET JOURNAL
Fintastic! Sharks hardly ever have a nice day. They literally have to sink or swim, since they lack the mechanism that other fish have to put themselves in neutral and stay still in the water. A mama shark with newborns can't eat anything around her since, voracious as she is, she might devour her own kids by accident in her feeding frenzy. Sharks have been around for a hundred million years, but still haven't developed table manners. Sad, isn't it? THE JOY OF TRIVIA
QUOTES: "If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might better stay at home." --James A. Michener
"Having to go to war without France is sorta like having to go deer hunting without an accordion." --attributed to many
"About the time we can make the ends meet, somebody moves the ends." --Herbert Hoover
"My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?" --Erma Bombeck
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science." --Albert Einstein
"Don't give your advice before you are called upon." --Desiderius Erasmus
"Bill Gates is a very rich man today .. and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions." --Dave Barry
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. --Erma Bombeck
"Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tentative agreements..." --Dave Barry
Never reach out your hand unless you're willing to extend an arm. --Pope Paul VI
"We know our friends by their defects rather than by their merits." --William Somerset Maugham
CUTIES: Subject: If you fly enough, you can relate. Overheard in Flight All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: Bud Casselberry sent these. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ...it was the asphalt."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
And now... the "Birth Announcement" Also from Bud Casselberry There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws' place. As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law, "When my son comes, do not call up my office and say that I have become a father of a boy because I'll have to shell out a lot for parties. Just leave me a message that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby." The offspring does finally arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks to himself, "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he'll misunderstand and think that something has happened to the baby and come rushing over." So the father-in-law left the following message: "The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing."
He really messed this one up. From Just for Grins. A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well. The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
Never fear change From Joke of the Day. The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first." The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony." "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well", said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional. "But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that! I know, my son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell", can't stay on the church roof!
DEPT. OF HOMELAND SECURITY ALERT This bit from Jim Rockwell We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office. Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot. You are obviously not a suspect at this time.
THE GROANERS: Bill Hamm sent these to Bud To err is human...but to really screw things up requires a computer. Q: What does a baby computer call his father? A: Data. Q: What is a computer's first sign of old age? A: Loss of memory. Q: What happened when the computer fell on the floor? A: It slipped a disk. Q: Why was there a bug in the computer? A: It was looking for a byte to eat. Q: What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? A: The space bar. Q: What is a computer virus? A: A terminal illness. Q: How did the mouse get out of the Russian Cathedral? A: He clicked on an icon and opened a window.
Dave Glossner and Sonya VanOrder sent this one. Three blondes are sitting in a bar chanting "51 days." After a while the bartender says to them, "Ladies, for the past 3 hours you have been sitting here chanting 51 days. Why?" The blondes stop chanting and look up. "Well," says one of the blondes, "we just finished a puzzle." "So. What does that have to do with anything?" the bartender asked. "Well, the box says 3 to 5 years. We finished it in 51 days,"
Just for Grins offered this one. Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications, so in order to determine which one to hire, the applicants were asked by the department manager to take a test. Both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." "And why would you be doing that?" asked the rejected applicant, "We both got 9 questions correct." "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager. "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired. "Simple," said the department manager, "On question #4 your fellow applicant put down, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
I know a Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal—he wanted to transcend dental medication.
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