TRIVIA QUOTES THIS WEEK'S CUTIES
TRIVIA: Is there really such a thing as being tone deaf? It's real. The aural equivalent of being color blind, tone deafness means that everything sounds as if it's in a monotone. You can't tell one note from another. You can't appreciate your spouse singing in the shower, listen to Wayne Newton, or tell the difference between TV commercial jingles. Well at least it has SOME compensations. In fact, although people use this expression with some frequency, the condition is relatively rare. Those who do have it have trouble not only distinguishing one note from another but also even the inflection in someone's voice. It makes communication difficult. By the way, don't confuse it with being phone deaf. That can result from having a cell phone pressed to one ear all day while absorbing traffic sounds with the other ear. Finally you can't hear a beepin' thing. JUST CURIOUS JEEVES by Jack Mingo and Erin Barrett
Why do we say that the person receiving the largest share of something has gotten the lion's share? Do you think it's always desirable to get the lion's share? Suppose you are the one who receives the lion's share. How do you think the lion feels about it? Would you want him to share his feelings with you? Most people probably assume that the expression stems from the idea of the lion being king of the beasts, the most ferocious and powerful individual in the jungle. Like the 800-pound gorilla, he always sits where he wants and takes as much as he chooses. That's the right spirit, but the phrase's origin is more specific. In an Aesop fable a lion, a cow, a sheep and a goat form a hunting party. They kill a deer and the lion divides it into four equal parts. He takes three of the parts - the lion's share -- and lets the others divide one. Would YOU question his arithmetic? WHY YOU SAY IT by Webb Garrison
Is there any relationship between derby the hat and derby the horse race? Yeah. The English Derby, a horserace run since 1780, was named for Edward Stanley, the 12th Earl of Derby. This annual June event, a high point on the social calendar for many Lords and Ladies and other high muckity-mucks, is run at Epsom Downs. That silly little black hat that some men wear at the Derby became known as a derby. Well, to Americans it did. The Brits call it a bowler. Why? Some pinheads say because it looks like a bowling ball, but we all know that etymology is never fun when it’s that simple. The alternative story is that a fox hunter, tired of having his high hat knocked off by low-hanging branches, had a French hat maker named Beaulieu make him a, uh, derby. Brits, having at best an ambivalent relationship to all things French, anglicized it to “bowler.” And that’s what they still call that chapeau. Source: DICTIONARY OF WORD AND PHRASE ORIGINS by William and Mary Morris
Heck of a search engine Google is one of my favorite search engines, but lately it’s been up to some devilish tricks. Have you heard that - for a while, at least - if you typed in the phrase, “go to hell,” the first url it delivered was for Microsoft.com? I did that search but didn’t click on Microsoft, fearing that it might actually take me right up to the, uh, Gates. Source: www.pcworld.com
Why do we call that yellow vegetable corn? Americans are unique in their insistence that corn is corn. In the rest of the English-speaking world, soccer is football and what Americans call corn is maize. Outside of the U. S., “corn” is a grain, such as wheat (in England) or oats (Scotland). Don’t let this linguistic maize create cobwebs in your brain. Etymologically, “corn” comes from the Latin, granum, or grain. How we got corn from “granum” beats me, but that’s what the experts say. The vegetable is maize in Europe and elsewhere because Columbus discovered it, along with America, and the Indians he met in Cuba called it “mahiz.” It’s corn in America because the Indians brought it to the Pilgrims, who, not having discussed it with Columbus and guessing that it was a grain, called it “corn,” a word their descendants hung onto. That’s it in a nutshell, or should I say, a kernel? Source: www.straightdope.com
Yes, we have no bananas In Tainan, Taiwan, residents only bring out their garbage when they hear the music that usually blares from arriving garbage trucks. Lately, the government has also been using the loudspeakers on the trucks for language education, teaching people English phrases. Now that’s what I call trash talk. Source: www.wsj.com
Feelin' fizzy? Carbonated beverages in the United States are known by various names, such as soda and pop. But the name given to the 19th century prototype of all these drinks really takes the cake: "Impregnated Water." Perhaps it was a warning to people with bubbly personalities not to get carried away. Many of these beverages were thought to have curative powers. The early version of the drink 7-Up, for example, was advertised as "For Home & Hospital Use." The implication is that it could relieve stomach distress, or perhaps be used as a disinfectant. But for all we know maybe hospital workers simply drank it on their break. JUST CURIOUS JEEVES
And they're off . . . A typical thoroughbred racehorse can go at top speed for only about a quarter of a mile. It's the jockey's job to decide when that surge can most contribute to winning a race. His timing will help determine if man and beast are headed for a dash to the finish line, or the finished line. Horse racing as a popular spectator sport predates the written records of history. I guess that means there were no pari-mutuel tickets in those days. So what did you tear up if your nag lost? Given the violence prevalent then, it could have been whoever was standing next to you. DO FISH DRINK WATER? By Bill McLain
QUOTES: "The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy." --Sam Levenson
"People seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they weren't so crazy about the first time around." --Anon.
"I'm always fascinated by the way memory diffuses fact." --Diane Sawyer
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. --Sam Levenson
"Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense and the past perfect." --Anon.
"Dreaming of the person you want to be is wasting the person you already are." --Kurt Cobain
"The most common cause of insufficient results is insufficient action." --Brian Koslow
"You cannot build a reputation on what you are going to do." --Henry Ford
"Remember where you have been and know where you are going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way." --Nikita Koloff
"The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts." --Paul Erlich
"Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other." --Ann Landers
"Television: A medium - so called because it is neither rare nor well done." --Ernie Kovacs
CUTIES: This gem was sent to Bud Casselberry from Harold Pepperman. I'm still laughing. I know some guys like this. I hope Sue doesn't think I'm part of the coalition.. Advice from a retired man Note: This article was found next to the author's body. The cause of death is still under investigation." Maybe justifiable homocide? It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center.It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends, things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days, that way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean. When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep. I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
From Joke of the Day and sent to them by James in St. Louis....he got a T-Shirt for the contribution! With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator. As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN." When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message: "MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT."'
Here is another good personal from Joke of the Day. this one was sent to them by Margaret from Philadelphia...(she also got a T-shirt!) Margaret is an Educational Psychologist and she experienced this on a plane. On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her I was an Educatioinal Psychologist, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
This one from Katie Carr. She got it from her son Duane!
Irishrose, Rosemary Bednarczyk, sent this one. I have been shying from Osama, Sadam and war stories but this one is far enough from the fringe that I want to share it. (MLF) CANADA TO HELP THE US with the war on terrorism The Canadians are going to help America with the war on terrorism. They have pledged 2 of their biggest battleships, 6000 ground troops and 6 fighter jets. Unfortunately, after the exchange rate conversion, we end up with 2 canoes, 1 Mountie, and some flying squirrels.
Tom Livingston forwarded this one. He says, "Think on this ..." When you are in your casket, and friends, family and are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say? Three clerics were asked what words they would choose: Episcopal Priest: "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Catholic Priest: "I would like to hear them say that I was an excellent teacher and a servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples' lives." Rabbi: "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving.'" I'm with the Rabbi all the way. (MLF)
What do you want for...? From Joke of the Day Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals. She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie." Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes. In Jane's freezer you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
The Birthday Wish This one from Bob Casselberry via Bud Casselberry. Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. LETTER 1: Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy. Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over. LETTER 2: Dear God, this is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy. Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again. LETTER 3: Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday, Leroy. Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter. LETTER 4: Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy. Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said. Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God. LETTER 5: I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE. Signed, YOU KNOW WHO.
This one from the "Never Underestimate the Power of God" department. The Pastor's Cat...from Bud Casselberry Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did! All the while, checking his progress in the car frequently, he figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?" She replied, You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." (Can you see where this is heading?) She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."
THE GROANERS: There is a moral to this story but you will not learn it here. This one from Sonya VanOrder Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more. "I m so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one. "Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "O K," said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat pounced on them and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought... "I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
From Send Me A Joke When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged. Before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
Also from Send Me A Joke. Please, someone send them a real joke! (MLF) An airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22." The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the she won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Jenny!" The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?" "Oh, that!" replies the airhead," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"
The final groaners are from Larry Stover. 1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path. 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids 7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick. 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko. 11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef! 15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog. 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. 21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.....
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