TRIVIA QUOTES THIS WEEK'S CUTIES
NOT TRIVIA & TRIVIA: Winter Solstice Winter solstice for 2002 will occur at 8:14 pm EST on December 21 Let's start with the science. The Earth is actually nearer the sun in January than it is in June -- by three million miles. Pretty much irrelevant to our planet. What causes the seasons is something completely different. The Earth leans slightly on its axis like a spinning top frozen in one off-kilter position. Astronomers have even pinpointed the precise angle of the tilt. It's 23 degrees and 27 minutes off the perpendicular to the plane of orbit. This planetary pose is what causes all the variety of our climate; all the drama and poetry of our seasons, since it determines how many hours and minutes each hemisphere receives precious sunlight. Most of us have known something about this since grade school. What fascinates me about it is how we figured it out in the first place, especially before the advent of satellites and space travel. I haven't studied astronomy enough to understand fully how we came to know this. The axis is, after all, an imaginary line. But here's an eloquent perspective on that question from a Candlegrove visitor. Solstice means...standing-still-sun Such precision we have about it now! Winter solstice is when......because of the earth's tilt, your hemisphere is leaning farthest away from the sun, and therefore: The daylight is the shortest. The sun has its lowest arc in the sky. More at: http://www.candlegrove.com/solstice.html#open Also http://scienceworld.wolfram.com/astronomy/WinterSolstice.html
Was there really a King Canute who tried to hold back the tides? Don't you just love this guy's name? An advertising copywriter couldn't have come up with a better one. And trying to hold back the tides -- hey, what a stunt. It would have made the evening news, for sure.. King Canute, who was real enough, ruled in England at the beginning of the last millennium. The story about him and the tides is usually misinterpreted. He wasn't trying to defy nature. His underlings buttered him up to the point where they claimed he could hold back the tides. He took them to the seashore to show them up. The story was recorded a century after Canute lived by one Henry of Huntington, who either made it up or heard it from others. So, rooty toot, toot, there was a Canute; canow you know. DICTIONARY OF MISINFORMATION by Tom Burnam
How do they stage movie animal fights? First, what you see is not what you get. Movie animal fights are to fighting what "professional wrestling" is to wrestling: the fix is always in. The closest you might see to an actual fight is when two animals that have gotten to know each other are allowed to mix it up for a couple of seconds, not long enough to cause damage. Several cameras shoot the scene from varying angles and the "fight" is produced in the post-production editing room. The fight may also be simply the product of trick photography. For example, the two animals fight with their trainers in separate scenes and the trainers are later edited out when the scenes are combined Or one real animal might fight with a dummy. Come to think of it, I suppose they could have an animal and a "professional" wrestler fight ? the ultimate in fix'n and fake'n. THE STRAIGHT DOPE by Cecil Adams
Why do we say that someone who is sincere and trustworthy is on the level? Many words we use to describe character are related to our sense of direction and position. He's a "straight-nosed, upright, stand-up kind of guy," for example. Or, "she won't mislead you, she's a straight talker and knows which end is up." Clearly in this right-angle universe, curves lead you astray and it's not good to get bent out of shape. Maybe that's why they talk about people having a moral compass. On the level derives from another instrument used to determine direction and position. It comes from the Masons, the secretive fraternal order. They hold that the level, the tool that masons (the building crafts people) use to make sure their work is level, represents integrity. So if you're on the level, we can trust you because your bricks are stacked straight. That's my slant on the matter. DICTIONARY OF WORD & PHRASE ORIGINS by W. & M. Morris
Blame the Babylonians. Wayne Wert sent this one. The Babylonians lived about 3,000 years ago in what is now Iraq. They thought 60 was a wonderful number. Why, only the Babylonians know. Best guess: They figured it was magic. (The ancients had a tendency to think everything was magic.) Then again, maybe the Babylonians liked 60 because it could be evenly divided (no remainder) by so many smaller numbers: 2,3,4,5,6,10,12,15,20, and 30. What's the big deal with dividing evenly? Simple — you avoid fractions, as in 10 divided by 3 equals 3 and 1/3. This may be no big deal to you, but look at it from the point of view of Joe Babylonian. The guy lived in a mud hut and washed his underwear in the creek. He didn't have our modern advantages: high school, air conditioning, color television, calculators. When he saw a fraction, he freaked. So to him, 60 was great. source used: "Know It All"
Why does "fresh" mean impudent as well as "new?" Fresh was a fresh word in the 14th century, when it entered a number of European languages with the meaning of new and novel. The English word appears to have come from the French form, “frais.” Early on, fresh acquired some important connections to salt. Not only was it used to distinguish inland water that was not salty from seawater, which was, it was also employed to describe meat that had not been preserved by the most effective preservative of the time: salt. But how did impudent people become fresh, a usage that dates from the mid-19th century? Could it be from the meaning of fresh as inexperienced and green, as in freshmen, who don’t even know enough yet to be sophomoric? Such an ignorant person might come off as impudent. We’re not sure, but most likely it came from the German word frech, which simply means impudent. Source: www.word-detective.com and www.dictionary.oed.com
When is it going to stop spinning? College students these days are too busy to sit and watch their laundry spin in a machine. That’s why “E-Suds,” a new electronic notification system that automatically pages them when their wash is done, is so welcome. E-Suds? It sounds like the brewski that I wash down, putting ME into a spin cycle and requiring that I dry out. Source: www.csmonitor.com
How much does the average wedding cost these days? In family feuds, in which you will not speak to your cousin Harry for the next 15 years because you decided to draw the line at inviting the children of cousins? Or in cold cash? Let us value it in the currency we all know: currency. Americans who insist on having their nuptials - sounds like a disease, doesn’t it? - instead of just simply living in sin, spend an average of $22,360. That figure increased almost 50 percent in the past decade -- an era of low inflation! What are we spending it on these days? Some people want fireworks (even before the honeymoon) and they think the bride needs a make-up artist. They can’t do without a videographer and insist on dragging a live tree into the ballroom. Maybe we need to divorce the wedding from the marriage. Well, yes, maybe that was a poor choice of words. Source: www.latimes.com
The ancient Sumerians invented multiplication. So who invented subtraction, the Subarians? The Sumerians are also thought to have invented fish farming. But they overdid it, produced a surplus of fish that drove down its price, and had to be paid by a government program not to plant them. Source: DO FISH DRINK WATER?
QUOTES: "What is painful to one generation is insight for the next." -- Eli N. Evans
"Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good." -- Joe Paterno
"I thought about being rich but it doesn't really mean so much. Just look at Henry Ford-- all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac." -- Anon.
Many people die with their music still in them. Why is this so? Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out. --Oliver Wendell Holmes
"I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, 'Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it.'" -- Steven Wright
"To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer." -- Philip Howard
“Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” --Mark Twain
“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, `I used everything you gave me.’” --Erma Bombeck CUTIES: Grandma Gets Results From Joke of the Day A parent decreed one Christmas that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given. The next year things were different, however. "The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly. "How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?" "Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."
The Three Wise Men - With Fire Hats From Joke of the Day In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
Cute one. From Wayne Smith Judi brought in a litter of golden retriever puppies to a veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the vet realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, the vet turned on the water faucet, wet his fingers, and moistened each dog's head when he had finished. After the fourth puppy, the vet noticed Judi, who'd been chattering her food head off up to that point, had grown silent. As the vet sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."
One upmanship!! Thanks to Just for Grins John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding. They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress. Nancy replied, "Silver." At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep, silver... to match her hair." Shooting a glaring look at John, Nancy replied, "So, John, I guess you are going barefoot."
Don't change the Directions From Send Me a Joke A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up, she just fainted!"
Mental Patient Dismissal? Also from Joke of the Day Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society. "So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?" The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately." Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities." The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."
Subject: Last Rites There is a chuckle here. Thanks to Bud Casselberry A man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers. "A preacher. Somebody get me a preacher!" the man gasps. Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd. A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells, "A PREACHER, PLEASE! Isn't there a preacher in this crowd to give this man his last rites?" Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a preacher. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man." The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to where the injured man lay. The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the prostrate man and says in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72......
Mistaken Identity; from Top Greetings It was a hot day one August when my mom's cousin had a problem with the electrical system. Without informing her that he was contacting an electrician, her husband called to have him come check the breaker box which was in the kitchen closet. He told the electrician that his wife would not be there so he would have to let himself into the house by the kitchen door. She had a medical appointment that day and was running late. When she went in to take a shower, she realized that her only bar of soap was at the kitchen sink. Stark naked she dashed into the kitchen to grab the bar of soap. Then she heard the milk man coming up the kitchen steps. On hot summer days he always placed the milk in the refrigerator for her instead of in the little box on the porch. She knew she did not have time to run back through the kitchen before he would open the door. So she just stepped into the kitchen closet to await his exit. To her horror the electrician opened the closet door! At which she blurted, "Oh, no! I thought you were the milk man!"
The Way it's done in Florida: From Bob Casselberry A Floridian, a New Yorker and a Canadian are in a bar one night having a beer. The New Yorker drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In New York our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice". The Canadian [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Canada we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either". The Floridian, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the New Yorker and the Canadian. He says "In Florida we have so many New Yorkers and Canadians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice".
THE GROANERS: Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Visitors? Good Clean Fun via Bud My husband, a forester, often has to consult property owners to determine boundary lines. Walking up a dirt road to question one such individual, he encountered signs that read: "No Trespassing," "Beware of Dog," and "Keep Out...This Means You!" Finally arriving at the door, he talked with the congenial, cooperative landowner. When my husband was ready to leave, the man said to him, "Come and see me again sometime. I don't get many visitors up this way."
No Conflict? Bud sent this one. A tenant mentioned to his landlord that the tenants in the apartment above his were being a bit unruly, "Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight." When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, because I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway."
Finding Her Place From Good Clean Fun On her way back from the concession stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?" Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did." Julie nodded, and noted, "Oh good. Then this is my row."
This one is really lame but seasonally appropriate. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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