SENIOR NET NEWSLETTER 01/21/2001
TECH FIRMS FORM ALLIANCE AGAINST HACKERS Some of the biggest names in technology plan to share information about attacks by hackers on their systems and vulnerabilities in their products. By Ted Bridis, WSJ Interactive Edition January 16, 2001 4:57 AM PT WASHINGTON -- Some of the biggest names in technology, including bitter rivals Microsoft Corp. and Oracle Corp., are forming a private alliance to share sensitive information about cyber-attacks and vulnerabilities in their software and hardware products, which are used by much of the world's businesses and governments. "The overriding goal is to protect ourselves from cyber-hazards, whether they be deliberate attempts or accidental events," said Guy Copeland of Computer Sciences Corp. (NYSE: CSC), a board member of the new center, the Information Technology Information Sharing and Analysis Center. "We've known that each of us have a little bit of the picture. ... By sharing the information, we can be that much smarter." Nineteen companies -- including AT&T (NYSE: T), Cisco (Nasdaq: CSCO), IBM (NYSE: IBM) and HP (NYSE: HWP) -- contributed a total of $750,000 to launch the nonprofit center, known as IT-ISAC. Atlanta's Internet Security Systems Inc. will run the center's operations. Other technology firms will be able to join the alliance for $5,000 a year. Fighting e-commerce attacks President Clinton had urged the industry to create this members-only organization after hackers last year shut down traffic to some of the Internet's biggest e-commerce sites. The emphasis on finding ways to keep computer networks secure reflects the growing dependence on technology across the nation's most important industries. "This is so basic to everything else that gets done," said Commerce Secretary Norman Mineta, who will serve as Transportation Secretary in the Bush administration. He said the new group, being formally announced Tuesday in Washington, "enables the industry and the government to share state-of-the-art Internet security measures, and it will spot potential threats to the Internet more quickly." Members that discover a new cyber-threat -- a new strain of virus or a break-in method that foils existing electronic defenses -- will be able to send detailed warnings to the rest of the group via e-mail, telephone, fax and pagers. The 19 board members, scheduled to meet Tuesday for the first time, eventually will determine how much of that information to share with other industries or the U.S. government. "The idea is not getting this out in the front pages of the newspapers so every hacker in the world starts to exploit the vulnerability," said Harris Miller, head of the Information Technology Association of America, which helped set up the group. "The hope here is to catch these problems earlier and try to stop things before they happen rather than mitigate them." Confidentiality and alliances Three similar private alliances to detect hackers and cyber-vulnerabilities already exist, covering the banking, telephone and electrical industries, and others are planned soon for oil and gas companies and the transportation sector. It is unlikely the public will ever learn of the most serious threats uncovered by these industry alliances, since the groups tend to favor strict promises of confidentiality. The alliance protecting U.S. banks, for example, declines to say even how many financial institutions participate. Complex questions about sharing sensitive threat information with the government, which can include regulators, and with other industries still aren't resolved. U.S. intelligence and law-enforcement agencies want to hear warnings early and have promised to share confidential information they collect, but there remains some level of distrust on all sides. Companies typically are motivated simply to prevent business disruptions, not to arrest hackers or terrorists or to provide evidence for a criminal trial that might prove embarrassing. "We let industries organize themselves," said John Tritak, head of the Commerce Department's U.S. Critical Infrastructure Assurance Office, which acts as a go-between for these groups. "They'll say, 'Heads up, we just saw a virus. You may be next.' We want to urge cross-sector cooperation [but] we want to really perfect the information-sharing regime we establish." Other founding members include Computer Associates International Inc. (NYSE: CA), Electronic Data Systems Corp., Entrust Technologies Inc., Intel (Nasdaq: INTC), KPMG International U.S. member firm KPMG LLP, Nortel Networks (NYSE: NT), RSA Security Inc., Securify Inc., Symantec (Nasdaq: SYMC), Titan Systems Corp., Veridian Inc. and VeriSign Inc. The 19 founders represent some of the industry's largest firms, but they come with historic rivalries. Cisco and Nortel Networks compete bitterly in sales of computer-networking hardware. Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) was found to have violated antitrust laws to influence contracts with AT&T and IBM; Oracle (Nasdaq: ORCL) has admitted to hiring private investigators to dig through the trash of groups supportive of Microsoft. Can these companies, in an industry known for unusually aggressive executives, ever trust each other? "We have to put down our differences and our competitiveness and share more if we're going to prosper together," Copeland said. "If you're going to wall yourself off and not share, then you're going to be hurting. This will be a venue and a forum where we can start to build a level of trust."
THIS WEEK'S SCHEDULE: Monday 01/22/01@6:00 Monday evening Intermediates (third session of six sessions) This class is full. The next Monday evening class will begin February 19. There is room in the Thursday morning class starting this week. The cost for either class is $12.00 for the six sessions. Some topics to be addressed include: Basics of maneuvering about the Windows Operating System, copy/paste,drag/drop, editing, saving to various drives, right mouse button options, creating folders and files, uninstalling, deleting, advanced email and browser techniques involving bookmarks, address books, forwarding messages, attachments, and HTML (Hyper Text Markup Language). Dave Winkelman provides the leadership for this class. Beginner computer knowledge and beginner computer skills are necessary. A ton of info is packed into the six sessions. This course is designed for those who "think they know" and especially for those who "want to know" more.
Tuesday 01/23/01 @9:00 AM Tuesday morning Newbies (second session of six sessions) This is a very basic course in computer techniques for the internet. There is a $12.00 per course charge for this class. Class size is limited so participants should pre register. Skills taught in the beginner classes include mouse techniques like drag and drop, plus very beginner basics for email and browsing the Web. Dave Winkelman provides the leadership for this class. It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it is very difficult to retain information without practice. You really would not try to learn to play the piano with out actual keyboard time.
Tuesday 01/23/01 @5:00 AM Tuesday evening Newbies (second session of six sessions) This is a very basic course in computer techniques for the internet. There is a $12.00 per course charge for this class. Class size is limited so participants should pre register. Skills taught in the beginner classes include mouse techniques like drag and drop, plus very beginner basics for email and browsing the Web. Dave Winkelman provides the leadership for this class. It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it is very difficult to retain information without practice. You really would not try to learn to play the piano with out actual keyboard time.
Wednesday 01/24/01 @9:00 AM Wednesday morning group of Senior Net Learners: This is an advanced group and we cover a lot of territory. We are kind of free flowing. We had a good session again last Wednesday. Sue came in to hear suggestions for improving the KCnet home page She will again return to our class this Wednesday at 9 AM for more feedback. So take a look again at the page and jot a few notes, or write a thesis. We got a chance to help. We never did get to the promised review of getting around the hard drive and making folders for storing files, some of the stuff we did in Intermediates and because we did not practice we forgot, or got scared to go there. You never know what will transpire. (Boy ain't that the truth but it is fun.) I was asked to commit a few moments to shortcuts. We will continue addressing Q&A from the group. New participants are always welcome. It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it sure helps with the learning curve. Usually, Mike Foust, and anyone else who wants to jump into the fray, provide the leadership for this session. Intermediate computer knowledge and Intermediate computer skills are necessary.
Wednesday 02/07/01 @12:30 PM Wednesday afternoon Making a Home Page (first of four sessions) This will be a new course offered by KCnet, for those who want to start with the very basics of making a Home Page. The cost is $20 for the 4 sessions Attendees will have a web page, published if desired, at the close of this course. Requirements include knowledge of computer operation using Windows 95/98/2000, understanding of beginner Windows techniques and basic Internet knowledge. Bring information about your group, business or organization or family - pictures, facts, links to other pages that are relevant, etc. Anything you would like to see published on the world wide web (www). Then, learn how to let the world see what you have created! Registration is required and seating is limited to ten. Call 893-8111 to reserve your seat.
Thursday 01/25/01 @9:00 AM Thursday morning Intermediates (second session of six sessions) There is still room for a few enrollees. The cost is $12.00 for the six sessions. Some topics to be addressed include: Basics of maneuvering about the Windows Operating System, copy/paste,drag/drop, editing, saving to various drives, right mouse button options, creating folders and files, uninstalling, deleting, advanced email and browser techniques involving bookmarks, address books, forwarding messages, attachments, and HTML (Hyper Text Markup Language). Mike Foust provides the leadership for this class. Beginner computer knowledge and beginner computer skills are necessary. A ton of info is packed into the six sessions. This course is designed for those who "think they know" and especially for those who "want to know" more.
Thursday 01/25/01 @1:00 PM Thursday Afternoon Newbies (fourth session of six sessions) This class is a very basic course in computer techniques for the internet. There is a $12.00 per course charge for this class. Skills taught in the beginner classes include mouse techniques like drag and drop, plus very beginner basics for email and browsing the Web. Dave Winkleman provides the leadership for this class. It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it is very difficult to retain information without practice. You really would not try to learn to play the piano with out actual keyboard time.
The Intermediate Group Course Content:
The Advanced Class Content:
The biggest change will be that clients won't have to mail anything in, but they will receive a free paper copy for their records. One slight difference is that both spouses for married taxpayers filing jointly must sign before the return can be completed and transmitted. This means that on the day the return is prepared, both husband and wife should be available. A nice extra, if the client has e-mail, is the ability to automatically receive a message when the IRS accepts the return. For this, the taxpayer needs to provide an e-mail address. Tax-Aide volunteers will also verify that all e-file returns are accepted and will follow up if any are rejected.
An important option available to both e-filers and paper filers is direct deposit. To use this option, the taxpayer must provide bank routing number and account number. This information is printed on every check. Direct deposit is not only faster by 7 to 10 days but it is safer. Last year the IRS couldn't deliver almost 92,000 refund checks; the year before it was 103,000 checks. "The drop in undeliverable refunds can be traced directly to more taxpayers using direct deposit." says IRS Commissioner Rossotti.
The IRS-provided software is very versatile, but it does have a serious limitation. It cannot be used to transmit state returns for people who are not required to file a federal return. Tax-Aide volunteers will prepare state-only returns and Rent and Tax Rebate forms on paper as always. "This will be more than half of the returns prepared at the YMCA site." says District Tax-Aide Coordinator Ginny Crosby.
Pennsylvania has addressed the inability to e-file state-only returns by developing their own free software that runs on the Internet -pa.direct.file. Tax-Aide does not have Internet access at the YMCA, but the Senior Center at the Mill Hall Fire Hall does. Volunteers working there will offer to prepare state returns on pa.direct.file for those taxpayers who bring their state-issued PIN. They will do the few Federal returns expected at that site on paper.
KCNET
At KCnet, taxpayers would use only tax software that runs on the Internet. Nothing would be installed on KCnet computers. Client data is stored on the tax software company's secure server. Many companies offer Internet tax software. A few offer it free; such as pa.direct.file, Quicken Tax Freedom, and H.D.Vest. Others let you try it and only charge if you transmit or print. KCnet will host a web page with links to Internet tax software, information and prices if applicable. They will also waive their normal browsing fee. However, taxpayers would be responsible for software fees if they chose one that charges. Taxpayers would also have to pay 10¢ per page to print copies of their completed return. (Ten pages total for federal and state is typical.)
For either a Tax-Aide counseling session or KCnet workshop, collect and bring the prior year tax return; all current year tax documents including W-2's, 1099's, etc and any additional supporting documents you might need; your PIN for pa.direct.file; and bank account information for direct deposit.
KCNET SESSIONS ARE SCHEDULED TO BEGIN FEBRUARY 2001. DAYS AND TIMES ARE: WEDNESDAY 5 PM - 7 PM SATURDAY 9 AM - NOON
OTHER CLASSES: CLICK HERE FOR ORIENTATION - MAC - GENEOLOGY CLASS INFORMATION CLICK HERE FOR SCANNING - BEGINNERS WEB PAGE - HOW TO BUY A PC CLICK HERE FOR TAX-AIDE
TECHNICALLY SPEAKING: Wednesday's Senior Class Session was lively. Many asked for sites to check virus validities. It seems that a lot of folks these days are getting emails with unbelievable threats. It is good to have reliable sites to visit that check these threats and determine if they are real or hoaxes. Many are real but even more are just pranks and qualify as pure spam. Knowing the diference is important. Also many of these sites have suggestions for managing an actual virus, including downloads to wipe them out. It is also a good idea to have a Virus Checker Program installed and updated frequently. http://vil.nai.com/vil/default.asp This one comes from McAfee. http://www.stiller.com/ This one is from Stiller Research http://www.Vmyths.com/ This one was originally Kumite and is very good. http://www.scambusters.org/index.html This one is a lot more than a hoax identifier. It deals with all kinds of scams. http://HoaxBusters.ciac.org/ This one is the CIAC and The Department of Energy http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/ This last one from the folks at Norton http://www.antivirus.com/trendsetter/virus_report/ This one is an excellent weekly email newsletter "FREE" to the subscriber.
I also promised the address for a very good "FREE" anti virus program. It is called InoculateIT .Personal Edition. It is excellent and the upgrades are automatically announced to you and they too are free. It does not take over your computer like so many other antivirus programs. It stays very quiet, does not suck up so much memory as it runs in the background and effectively does its job. It has saved my buns a couple of times and it even fixed a Paint Shop program that I had and was not aware. I thought that Netscape was goofy because it was giving me that dratted "blue screen of fatalness" and freezing out on jpegs. I could not fix the problem. When I downloaded the Inoculate program for the virus capabilities it said that there was a problem with 3 files in PSP and fixed them and no more bombing out in Netscape. http://www.antivirus.cai.com/
I HEAR YOU HAVE MAIL If you'd like Internet Mail to play a sound when you receive mail, don't look for the command in Mail. You have to do it in Windows. Click Start, Settings, Control Panel. When the Control Panel opens, double-click the Sounds icon. Look through the Events list for New Mail Notification and select it. Click Browse and locate the sound you'd like to use. You can test the sound in the Browse dialog box. Select the sound, then click the Preview Play button. Once you find a sound you'd like to use, select it and click OK. Back in Sounds Properties, click OK. Now you can close the Control Panel by choosing File, Close.
DRAG AND DROP EMAIL ATTACHMENTS Need to add a file attachment to the email you're composing? Don't bother with all those commands inside your email editor. (For example, in Outlook Express, you'd select Insert, File Attachment, and so on.) Try a drag and drop--it's much faster. Also true for Netscape, you would click attach then file and then you find it. Minimize your open message window and locate the file(s) you want to attach (for example, on the desktopor in Windows Explorer). Click and drag the file(s) down to the open message's taskbar item, hold the mouse there for a second until the window opens, then drop the file(s) inside. Done.
COPY URLS INTO MESSAGES by Paul Dmytrewycz This is one of the many ways. Suppose you are viewing a Web page you would like to e-mail to a friend. Press Ctrl-M to open a new Mail Composition Window. Using your mouse, drag the Location icon (between the words Bookmarks and Location on your Location Bar) into the outgoing message. As a result, in the body of your message you will have the title of the Web page, linked by HTML to the corresponding URL. All your friend has to do is click it to go directly to the page.
THE WINDOWS CLIPBOARD IS EVERYWHERE Chances are, you know the shortcuts for cut, copy, and paste (Ctrl-X, Ctrl-C, and Ctrl-V, respectively). But have you ever thought about the fact that these combos are universal to all Windows applications? That means you can cut, copy, or paste an item not only within a single application, but across applications. Cut some Notepad text, paste it into Word. Copy some Calculator text, paste it into Excel. The clipboard is everywhere.
USING CASE-SENSITIVE SEARCH STRINGS by Mark Richardson By default, Windows 98 doesn't bother with letter case when it searches local drives. If you have many files with similar names, you may find that you want to be case sensitive when searching for a file. To enable case-sensitive searching, first open the Find window by pressing Windows Key-F, then go to Options, Case Sensitive.
Avoid Online Scams and Identity Theft Feeling vertigo? Don't get swept up by the World Wide Web. Here are some tips to help you not get taken advantage of. 1) Answer only the minimum questions when filling out forms. When you buy something online, you'll usually have to fill out a form first. And you'll be asked many questions, such as your annual income, age, phone number and similar information. Don't answer the questions. Many sites put an asterisk(*) next to the questions that must be answered, so only answer those. The shopping site wants your money, and it'll take your money even if you don't give them personal information. 2) Never give out your Social Security number. There's no legitimate reason a site needs to know your Social Security number. If you give it out, someone could steal your identity, get access to your bank account and in many ways ruin your life. 3) Always pay with a credit card. When you pay with a credit card, you're offered a wide variety of consumer protections. If you pay by check or money order, you don't get the same protection. So pay with plastic; that way you won't get burned. For more helpful Internet security tips, check out this Help & How-To collection: http://cgi.zdnet.com/slink?69512:12300219
NEW MESSAGE SHORTCUT KEYS by Paul Dmytrewycz Suppose one day you're visiting a Web page when suddenly you are overcome with the urge to e-mail the Tipworld/Topica editors and tell them what a great job they're doing! "How do I avoid having to open Messenger and click File, New Message?" you ask. Simple--press Ctrl-M. Communicator immediately opens a New Message Composition window.
How to Remember Bird Songs While birdwatching or on a birding trip, many times the birds refuse to come out onto a branch where they can be seen. How many times have you heard a bird but have been frustrated because no matter how diligently you search for it, you can't quite see it. It's times like that when being able to identify a bird by its song is invaluable. Sometimes just knowing the species will give you clues of where to focus your binoculars to see the elusive feathered creature. Simple phrases can help you remember what bird sings which song. For instance, I remember the Eastern Meadowlark's song as, "Spring-of-THE-year!" However, you might hear the song a bit differently since different people hear varying types of pitch and sound. http://birding.about.com/hobbies/birding/library/weekly/aa021800a.htm
MENUS.COM There's nothing like walking by a row of trendy bistros and looking over their menus. Add the convenience of the Internet and you have Menus.com. With its handy database, you can search by zip code, city, type of restaurant, or restaurant name to peruse the eats you crave. A brief description of the restaurant will whet your appetite, while a quick view of the menu will send you on your way. You can read the reviews and rate the restaurants yourself. The power search lets you look for restaurants that deliver, accept American Express, or promote a kid-friendly environment. Gourmet or gourmand, it's a dream come true. http://www.menus.com
Interesting Search Engine When you can't decide which search engine to use, let Bomis decide for you. Type a keyword in its search line, then click the "Random Engine" radio button, and Search. Supposedly you'll jump to a different search engine each time you use it, and see the search results there. Call it a weird-meta-search process. However, in our trials, it seemed to call upon the GoTo engine every time. http://www.bomis.com
Somewhere Down Stream StreamSearch.com is a generation beyond the dry tools that point you to pages with interesting keywords among pages and pages of text. StreamSearch focuses on media such as music, or movies, or even chat -- a sort of new media, a streaming of new text. You can use it to find audio and video, telling the MyStreamSearch feature to recognize you and immediately run your regular search when you next visit. http://www.streamsearch.com
CONSUMER SEARCH You've almost paid off your credit card, so it's time to go shopping again. Although you may be an indebted consumer, you don't want to be an ill-informed one, and Consumer Search will help prevent that misfortune. Let's say eating out has put you in the mood for a new treadmill. You're torn between the TrueFitness and the PaceMaster. Consumer Search gives you a number of reviews to choose from, ranks the various products, and even tells you where to go to make your purchase. The nifty comparison chart gives you a graphical interface into all the features, warranties, etc. Rinse and repeat with cars, audio equipment, dishwashers, whatever. http://www.consumersearch.com
THE ULTIMATE SITE FOR THE AVID READER. Thanks to Jim Runkle of the LH Express.
I R 1 2 Thanks to Katie Carr. This is one cute place to visit. The first URL is a declaration of being a Senior. The concept is real. The graphics are cute. The message we anticipate. None of the folks I see at class are there ...Yet! Sometimes we feel like it though. The second site is the actual home page. Enjoy the opening graphics. Work with Sami. There are many links available at the bottom of the Home Page. I got many chuckles from most and a few tears of sentimentality from some. Definitely a neat place to visit. It reminds me of Pennys Place and Giggles. They too are Senior apropos. http://members.aol.com/ceclausen/page2/senior.html http://members.aol.com/ccrarebit/page/rabbit.html
Belief Relief Call it the Tolerance Web (think ecumenical and non-denominational) but you'd better believe in something if you're going to appreciate Beliefnet. There are discussion communities here for Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism, and many other spiritual, religious, and moral practices. If you're looking for answers, the search engine and encyclopedia might help. And there are psalms and pagans, links to sacred texts and prayer circles, plus -- we don't know why, but this seems a bit out of place -- it offers shopping with free shipping. http://www.beliefnet.com
DIDJA KNOW?: Why do they put that ring of salt around the top of a Margarita? I can't confirm the rumor that this wonderful drink contains all the vitamins, minerals and other essential nutrients a human being needs to stay healthy. But darn it, it certainly satisfies on a warm and sunny -- or any other -- day. As for the salt around the top of the Margarita, if you think it's pretty, I don't want to spoil your aesthetic experience. If you like the way it tastes, salud! But in truth it's there first of all to keep you from disowning your tongue after you've downed your last chili pepper or dipped the last chip into the salsa de muerta. Salt helps to dampen the fire of food that's hot, hot, hot. Even if you think you are a muchacho macho, Mexican food does push the envelope when it comes to spices. The salt insures that your sense of taste survives the experience. Source: THE STRAIGHT DOPE by Cecil Adams
Why do we call informal names "nicknames?" As I'm sure you have already guessed, the etymological source for this modern word is the Old English word, "eke," meaning besides or in addition to. I know you can fill in the rest, but just for the record . . . In the Middle Ages an eke name was a name in addition to your formal name. Most people did not have last names and in any village there might be more than one person with the same name -- say, William. To avoid confusion, there would be William the blacksmith, William the tanner, etc. Those were their eke or additional names, a concept we've adopted for informally referring to any William as Bill – his additional name. Now what if I wrote and pronounced "an eke name" as "a neke name?" This linguistic looseness is called noncing. We arrived at the word "nickname" because over the years the words got slightly rearranged -- a nodd phenome non, to be sure. Source: A BROWSER'S DICTIONARY by John Ciardi Big buildup:
Why do we measure water depth in fathoms? Do you ever get the feeling that you are in over your head? That you just can't fathom something? That, in short, it's too deep? There is something so elemental about the ocean depths that we embrace it as a metaphor for the unknown or the unknowable. But ancient mariners sometimes needed literally to plumb the depths -- to see if a passage was safe for ships, for example. Mariners determined depth by lowering a weighted rope until it touched bottom and then marking the point on the rope where it broke the surface. When they hauled in the rope they extended their arms repeatedly, fingertip to fingertip, along this length to measure it. They called this unit of measurement a fathom, from an Anglo-Saxon word for embrace (holding out your arms). Today we're more precise: a fathom is six feet. Source: EVER WHY? By Douglas B. Smith
WHERE IS IT ILLEGAL FOR A PORTRAIT OF A LIVING PERSON TO APPEAR IN THE UNITED STATES? On our postage stamps.
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE A WHOLE FINGERNAIL TO REPLACE ITSELF? About three months, because fingernails grow about 0.1 mm (.004 inch) per day.
WHAT TRIGGERED THE LEGENDARY FEUD BETWEEN THE HILLBILLY HATFIELDS AND MCCOYS IN 1873? The alledged theft of a pig.
IN 1992, THE GOVERNOR OF HAWAII RECEIVED A 30,000-SIGNATURE PETITION TO CHANGE THE NAME OF THE ISLAND OF MAUI--TO WHAT? Gilligan's Island, in honor of the TV sitcom. Needless to say, the island is still called Maui.
Just nosing around: Elephants can do much more than carry around their baggage in front of their face and make a mess to the point where you just can't keep them in the house. A case in point: Six elephants at the Thai Elephant Conservation Center have been induced to join the Thai Elephant Orchestra. You know what their noses look like. Can you imagine a pachyderm playing that thing? You don't have to - they've released a CD so you can hear them for yourself. The idea for the band was Richard Lair's. He's an authority on elephants. Lair, by the way, ruefully admits that the animals are being exploited – although profits from the CD will buy milk for orphaned baby elephants – and likens them to "prisoners." "Prisoners?" How would you like to be the one to tell the big bull elephant that his conjugal visiting hours are up? Source: THE NEW YORK TIMES, December 16, 2000
Where's the world's largest pyramid? No, it's not there, not even close to there. It's on the other side of the earth, in Cholula de Rivadabia, Mexico. That was on the tip of your tongue, right? This pyramid, topping out at 177 feet and covering 45 acres, is dedicated to the Aztec deity, Quetzalcoatl. (If that was also on the tip of your tongue, you need to see your dentist.) Cholula could run circles – well, maybe triangles – around Egypt's Great Pyramid of Cheops, which reaches no higher than 130 feet and accounts for a mere 13 acres.
QUOTES: "Doubt indulged soon becomes doubt realized." --Francis R. Havergal
"Don't let other people tell you what you want." --Pat Riley
"We are what we believe we are." --Benjamin N. Cardozo
"Acceptance of what happened is the first step to overcoming the consequence of any misfortune." --William James
"Things turn out best for people who make the best of the way things turn out." --Anon.
"What we call reality is an agreement that people have arrived at to make life more livable." --Louise Nevelson
"A failure is a man who has blundered, but is not able to cash in on the experience." --Elbert Hubbard
"The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work." --Richard Bach
"The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not." -- George Bernard Shaw
"Happiness walks on busy feet." --Kitte Turmell
THIS WEEK'S CUTIES: Winning is everything. Thanks to Bill Hamm A big-city, California lawyer went duck hunting in ruralTexas. He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and I'm going to retrieve it. " The old farmer replied,"This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule. " The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger so he agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick hit the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!" The old farmer grinned and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
The New Pastor: Thanks to Bud Casselberry. The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate. After the service a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!" The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me". "Yeah", she said "That's what they said the LAST time too!!!"
MORE CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS: Thanks to Bill Hamm, I think. --The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. --Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m. -- prayer and medication to Follow. --Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door. --The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday. "Upped My Pledge ---Up Yours."
The next two are from Bud. Team Photos: Hanging in the hallway at the High School are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year -- "62-63," "63-64," "64-65,"etc. One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to me, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"
I remember Pig Latin An attractive young thing met her maiden aunt downtown for lunch one afternoon and during the meal, the older woman asked her niece to deposit a paycheck for her at the bank where the girl worked. On her way back from work, the girl was accosted by a purse snatcher. "Help, help!" she screamed at a passing cop. "That man has taken my aunt's pay - he's taken my aunt's pay!" "Okay, lady," said the cop. "Cut out the pig latin and tell me exactly what happened."
The next two are From Skip or Linda Frye This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night." His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened." The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch." She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?" I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door."
This is a second legal joke I hope I do not give Peter Griffin a complex here. This couple was killed the night before their wedding. They went to heaven and they ask St. Peter if they could be married. St. Peter says, "Okay. I'll come and get you when we can do that." And ten years later, he tells the couple, "Okay. We can have your wedding now." So they get married, and there's a minister and flowers and nice music and all, but pretty soon they realize they made a mistake. They go to St. Peter and say they want a divorce. St. Peter says, "Okay. I'll come and tell you when we can do that." The couple says, "How long will it take?" And St. Peter says, "It took ten years to get a preacher up here, who knows how long it's going to take before a lawyer shows up!"
THE TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR CO-WORKER IS A COMPUTER HACKER 10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000. 9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running. 8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex. 7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down. 6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work. 5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net" 4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments. 3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons 2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President." 1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."
Ski season is upon us! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared for the event: 16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk- in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. 15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. 14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. 13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. 12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now. 11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. 10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. 9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. 8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. 7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. 6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. 5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler. 4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. 3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. 2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor. 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!
Farmer vs Policeman Another Tom Livingston. I used this one before but it is good. A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said --"Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says -- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though.
The Blonde and the SNOW...Also Tom. It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drifts. This made her feel much better and sure enough, in a little while, a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued; she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped. The driver got out, came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.
OK! That's a Wrap. See ya next week! I hope you enjoyed this communication and can attend one or more of the sessions scheduled for this week.