DON'T FORGET THE JAYCEES LABOR DAY WEEKEND CELEBRATION FEATURING: FESTIVAL CONCESSIONS (GOOD FOOD) CRAFTS AND SPECIAL INTEREST DISPLAYS LIVE ENTERTAINMENTS CARNIVAL RIDES GAMES OF CHANCE BOAT RACING FINISH THE WEEKEND WITH FIREWORKS AT THE RIVER
Sorry I had to miss classes this past week. I heard that Dave was great though. I know he enjoyed the classes. I'll be back this week to enjoy our sessions. Sue and I are having a ball getting ready to change our physical address. It is harder to change that address than it is to change an email address. I spent last week supervising loggers as they cleared trees to provide space for our new house. We will be moving from the banks of the "Mighty Bald Eagle Creek" to the lofty mountains on Route 664. We will be neighbors to John and Kitty Laubscher. It will be a new outlook to the world, you see the Bald Eagle is tame. We see fish, beavers, many birds, bunnies, chippies, oppossums, skunks, dogs, cats. and kids. I know I'll miss the water, peddle boating, bass fishing, and outdoor picnics on the stream bank. We will still enjoy a large deck. We'll be adding endless mountain scenery and different wildlife like deer, bear, turkey, many birds, not to mention John and Kitty! They have been great support in our moving preparation. Kitty assured me on Thursday, after we cleared the area for our access road, that we will see a lot of activity because the center of the new road just happens to be the path that bear and deer take each evening. The experience of choosing colors, doors, tubs, showers, siding, roof pitches, windows, cabinets, etc. and packing, transporting and unpacking is so much fun. I hate to see it end and have calm and serenity return. Maybe getting back to classes will help. By the way you can experience the beauty of the mountain top by accessing the Laubscher's homepage. Look at the many gardens and especially the giant toadstools. http://www.kcnet.org/~jjlaubsc/whipporwillmountain.html
THIS WEEK'S SCHEDULE: Monday 9/11/00 @ 6 :00 PM Monday evening Intermediates (sixth session of six sessions) The class roster is closed. A new course will begin September 18, 2000. Call KCnet to register. The cost is $12.00 for the six sessions. Some topics to be addressed include: Basics of maneuvering about the Windows Operating System, copy/paste,drag/drop, editing, saving to various drives, right mouse button options, creating folders and files, uninstalling, deleting, advanced email and browser techniques involving bookmarks, address books, forwarding messages, attachments, and HTML (Hyper Text Markup Language). Dave Winkelman provides the leadership for this class. Beginner computer knowledge and beginner computer skills are necessary. A ton of info is packed into the six sessions. This course is designed for those who "think they know" and especially for those who "want to know" more.
Tuesday 9/5/00 @9:00 AM Tuesday morning Newbies (fifth session of six sessions) This is a very basic course in computer techniques for the internet. The next Tuesday morning Newbies will begin September 12, 2000. There is a $12.00 per course charge for this class. Class size is limited so participants should pre register. Skills taught in the beginner classes include mouse techniques like drag and drop, plus very beginner basics for email and browsing the Web. Dave Winkelman provides the leadership for this class. It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it is very difficult to retain information without practice. You really would not try to learn to play the piano with out actual keyboard time.
Tuesday 9/5/00 @5:00 PM Tuesday Evening Newbies (fifth session of six sessions) This class is full and is a very basic course in computer techniques for the internet. There is a $12.00 per course charge for this class. The next Tuesday evening class will be September 12, 2000. There is a $12.00 per course charge for this class. Class size is limited so participants should pre register. Skills taught in the beginner classes include mouse techniques like drag and drop, plus very beginner basics for email and browsing the Web. Dave Winkleman provides the leadership for this class. It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it is very difficult to retain information without practice. You really would not try to learn to play the piano with out actual keyboard time.
Wednesday 9/6/00 @9:00 AM Wednesday morning group of Senior Net Learners: . This is an advanced group and we cover a lot of territory. We are kind of free flowing. You never know what will transpire. We will continue addressing Q&A from the group. New participants are always welcome. It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it sure helps with the learning curve. Usually, Mike Foust, and anyone else who wants to jump into the fray, provide the leadership for this session. Intermediate computer knowledge and Intermediate computer skills are necessary.
Thursday 9/7/00 @ 9:00 AM Thursday morning Intermediates (sixth session of six sessions) The class roster is closed. A new course will begin in October. Call KCnet to register. The cost is $12.00 for the six sessions. Some topics to be addressed include: Basics of maneuvering about the Windows Operating System, copy/paste, drag/drop, editing, saving to various drives, right mouse button options, creating folders and files, uninstalling, deleting, advanced email and browser techniques involving bookmarks, address books, forwarding messages, attachments, and HTML (Hyper Text Markup Language). Mike Foust provides the leadership for this class. Beginner computer knowledge and beginner computer skills are necessary. A ton of info is packed into the six sessions. This course is designed for those who "think they know" and especially for those who "want to know" more.
The Intermediate Group Course Content: We mess around with the desktop, rearrange icons, change backgrounds, create screen savers, learn to make shortcuts on the desktop, learn a bunch of ways to access the hard drive and discuss how our computers resemble a file cabinet in its organization. We learn a little bit about extensions like .gif, .wav, .mid, .txt, .doc, .jpeg, .exe, and dot de dot de dot... just to name a few. We discover what special programs are already installed on our computers to help us see these special extensions. We make folders and subfolders on the hard drive. We copy and paste files into these folders. We learn the difference between cut/paste and copy/paste. We learn how to copy/borrow graphic and midi files from the internet and save them to the new folders we make. Then we copy and paste files from floppies to the hard drive, we move files from the hard drive to a floppy disk. We take floppies home with graphics and midis on them to put on the hard drives to use with email. We investigate the difference between uninstall and delete for programs and files and when it is appropriate to do either. We learn how to do a "Thorough" Scandisk, Defrag. and Cleandisk. We become proficient with Bookmarks and Forwarding messages. The final week we will get into HTML in email. So look out because we will be terrorizing our friends with neat souped up emails. Yep!, we definitely learn enough to be verrrrry dangerous AND...WE HAVE FUN!!!.
OTHER SESSIONS MEETING AT KCNET: MAC Users: This is an ongoing (no start or finish date) group of Apple Mac owners/users. The group meets every 1st Thursday each month from 4:30-6:30. Each session is $5.00. The next session is August 10, 2000. Clair Falls is the group leader.
Genealogy: This is a four session program costing $20.00 for all the sessions. Sessions are second Thursdays from 6:00-8:00. A new 4 session series will start September 14, 2000. Dave Wallace is the instructor. Class size is limited so please pre register.
Please call Dave Winkleman at KCnet, 893-8111, to suggest other course interests.
From the late 1700s into the mid 1800s working people increasingly joined together in trade unions that would bargain collectively for the benefit of all members. In the spring of 1872, Peter McGuire, who had started his work life at age 11 to support his mother and six sisters while his father fought in the Civil War, joined 100,000 fellow workers to march the streets of New York in demand of better working conditions. It was an event that inspired him to devote himself to organizing others into effective trade unions. As the clout of these large organizations began to have positive results for the workers, Peter and some colleagues promoted the idea of a holiday in honor of the working people. It would fall halfway between Independence Day and Thanksgiving, in the first week of September, and be known as Labor Day.
The first Labor Day parade was held in New York City on Tuesday, September 5, 1882, organized by machinist Mathew Maguire. Twenty thousand workers paraded up Broadway with banners that read "Labor Creates All Wealth," and "Eight Hours for Work; Eight hours for Rest; Eight Hours for Recreation!" This was more of a festival than a demonstration. It was a celebration with picnics and fireworks. It was also an idea that quickly captured the interest of the nation and spread from coast to coast.
In 1894, President Grover Cleveland found himself in an election year with an unhappy constituency. The previous year, he had deployed 12, 000 federal troops to stop a strike at the Pullman company in Chicago which was interrupting mail trains and making railroad executives nervous. Violence erupted and two men were killed by U. S. deputy marshals. Though work resumed at Pullman, there were protests against Cleveland's heavy-handed methods that did not go unnoticed in Congress. As a gesture of appeasement, both houses passed legislation making the first Monday in September a national holiday honoring labor. President Cleveland quickly signed the bill into law. Labor Day was established, but Cleveland still lost his bid for reelection.
Today, Labor Day is celebrated more as the last big fling of summer than a tribute to the work we do when we're not on vacation. Currently, it is just a holiday marking the end of summer vacations and activities.
TECHNICALLY SPEAKING: READING WORD DOCUMENTS WITHOUT WORD "I don't use Microsoft Office, but a friend forwarded a few tips to me and I am hoping you can help. If you can only respond with a tip (rather than direct e-mail), my friend will send me the tip. I am surprised at the number of documents I run across that require me to have Word to read them properly. I have heard of a freeware Word file reader, but I don't know where to find it. I'm sure it isn't something Microsoft is giving away. If such a program exists, could you point me to it?" You're wrong about Microsoft--that's exactly who does offer the free Word reader. Go to http://officeupdate.microsoft.com/downloadDetails/wd97vwr32.htm and download Word Viewer (wd97vwr32.exe). This program will let you do almost anything but edit files.
ERROR MESSAGES: WHEN NO DOESN'T ALWAYS MEAN NO Don't be completely put off when dismal-sounding error messages meet your attempts to reach Web sites. Always try again, at least once. Though a 404 Not Found message may mean exactly that, sometimes it just indicates that a Web site reorganization has taken place--one you may be able to outsmart. Erase the end of the URL to see if it gets you back on track. For example, in the fictitious URL http://www.mydomain.com/pages/pagefour.html, you could delete the "pagefour.html" part of the URL and press Enter to find out if there's an index assigned to the /pages directory. Experiment to find out what works. When a message tells you it couldn't locate a DNS entry for a particular server, don't walk away mad. The server may be down but not out, so definitely try again later. The "Document contains no data" message is notoriously inaccurate. Always try to reach this one again immediately, maybe two or three times.
CHANGING THE STARTUP SOUND The sound that plays over your computer is a lovely two-second piece of music, and while it is indeed pleasant to hear when your computer boots, you may tire of it and decide that you'd like another sound to play instead. Changing your Startup sound is a relatively simple procedure. Go to Start, Settings, Control Panel and double-click the Sounds icon. In the Events box, select Start Windows and then click the Browse button under Sound to search for a new sound. You can test the sounds as you select them by clicking the Play button in the Preview section at any time. When you find a sound you like, simply click OK twice and wait to be greeted by the new sound the next time you start your computer.
SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY A reader writes: "In my incoming mail, the messages show only the day of the week and the time. This causes confusion in sorting and also makes it unclear in which week I received the messages. How can I correct this so that all received messages always bear the date as well as the time instead of just the day of the week?" This is one of those well-meaning features Netscape never fully explained, and as a result most people find it a hassle. Here's how it works: If a message appears with only the time, it means it was sent at that time today. If a message shows only a weekday--for example, Tuesday--that means it was sent last Tuesday. Any dates beyond a week from today appear with their actual dates and times. The feature works dynamically, so if you look at the list again next week, the message that simply said Tuesday last time you looked will appear with the actual date next to it. It's simple yet confusing, and there is no documented way to change this. Score one for the Netscape programmers!
EXTRA FILES IN THE NETSCAPE FOLDER "How do I get rid of the SNM files in my folders? Every time I delete them using Windows Explorer, they just come back." Deleting these files is not a good idea. Netscape needs them for its regular operation, which is why they keep reappearing. The program uses these to store information about messages sent and received. If you are concerned about security, simply delete messages from the folders in Netscape Messenger, then click File, Empty Trash On Local Mail.
LEAVING OFF A URL'S FINAL SLASH When you type an address into Internet Explorer's Address box, you may find that some addresses won't work with a slash at the end. For example, you might find that http://www.xampl.com/xampl/ will fail to work, but http://www.xampl.com/xampl works fine. In most cases, Internet Explorer doesn't need that final slash anyway. So you're probably better off simply entering the address without the slash in the first place.
INTERESTING SITES: DUMB LAWS Small brains. Dumb laws. That just about sums up this site. Andy Powell and Jeff Koon have spent untold hours collecting existing laws that range from useless to downright unexplainable. Their archive covers the United States, sorted by states. For example, in the progressive state of California, it is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. In Alabama, it is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. This site also covers a smattering of other countries, from Australia, where a life sentence is 25 years, to Thailand, where it is illegal to step on any of the nation's currency. There are even moderated online forums where you can post your reactions. Most laws are verified, but some leave you wondering. Sure, reality is stranger than fiction. But some of this stuff is so strange you almost hope it isn't true. www.dumblaws.com/states/alabama.html
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL As the 2000 presidential campaign rolls into its 10-week home stretch, the growing presence of the Internet poses intriguing twists on old questions about what's permissible and what's not on the campaign trail. For instance: If you think the world of George W. Bush and dip into your pocket to build an individual Web site to promote his campaign, does this constitute a campaign contribution? If you don't think so, how about this: What if a labor union or corporation, limited by law in the amount it can pour into a candidate's coffers, creates a similar site? Does it make any difference if these unofficial campaign sites offer hotlinks that drive visitors directly to the candidate's formal Web sites? And here's a hot one: If you're a Gore partisan and build a fan site celebrating the purported Inventor of the Internet, are you obliged to provide the opposition "equal time"? Even though the Web was very much alive in the presidential campaigns of 1996 and both President Bill Clinton's and Republican Sen. Bob Dole's supporters had Web sites, the technology and the traffic have increased so much in the past four years that the Web's impact is likely to be much more significant. Earlier this year, the Federal Election Commission, which regulates the activity (and particularly financing) of election campaigns, sought public comment on issues like those above. The commission has already decided not to try to control private sites run by individuals at their own expense, likening this to such voluntary acts of enthusiasm as passing out bumper stickers or placing a candidate's banner on your front lawn. For the more complicated issues, it appears that the Commission will play a cautious hand; according to news accounts, there is almost no chance that it will propose regulations between now and Election Day, Nov. 7. The Web, as politicians and governmental authority has already begun to learn, is surprisingly resistant to regulation. Meanwhile, if you'd like to follow the campaign trails, here are the official campaign sites: Gore-Lieberman 2000 www.gore2000.org/ George W. Bush for President www.georgewbush.com
THIS MONTH'S SENIORNET ONLINE UPDATE IS INTERESTING AND USEFUL. What's New at SeniorNet: Always wanted to write your life story? Want to get past the rhetoric to the real election? Want to know how to locate just what you want on the Web? Register now for online courses to start September 18. Celebrate Grandparents Day by sharing your legacy and enter a contest to win $250. Thinking about investing in a CD? Think again. Ready to tackle some stimulating reading and conversation? Join our new Fall book discussions. Want your retirement or home-remodeling questions answered now? Exercise your citizenship in the 2000 Election. Share your creativity. Visit our new Crafts and Collectibles Center. Your health matters. Join our health support groups and other RoundTable discussions. Get computer discounts and free photo-sharing software. SeniorNet's nonprofit mission www.seniornet.org
THE ANTI-TELEMARKETER'S SOURCE Have you just about had it with those friendly folks who have a knack for calling just as you're sitting down to dinner? Then maybe it's time you visited the Anti-Telemarketer's Source Web site. The Methods section gives you practical advice on how to cut down on the number of calls you get. Know your rights and learn how to put yourself on "Do Not Call" lists. If you're really steamed, then check out the Telemarketer Tormenting Techniques, which gives you a laundry list of proven techniques and scripts that you can use to foil just about any telemarketer. Just select a type of caller, from Credit Card Insurance to Long Distance Phone Service. Some are useful; others are just plain funny. Now wait, I understand that you're eating, but there's more... www.antitelemarketer.com
ENATURE.COM Is the only time you feel connected to nature during a Jeep commercial? Then perhaps it's time to escape the concrete jungle, or at least visit ENature.com during your lunch break while playing a nature sounds CD. This handsome site is brought to you by the publisher of the National Audubon Society Field Guides. ENature.com helps you identify nearly 5000 species of plants and animals by listing them in a searchable field guide. Learn all about habitats from Wetlands to Deserts. There are even local guides that list birds, reptiles, amphibians, and mammals in your area. Or you can learn to be a birdwatcher and catch up on all the latest bird-watching news. Hopefully, you have a window office and some binoculars. www.enature.com
WAKE UP! DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING! Forwarded from Winnie Geraty. Thanks Winnie, for reminding me how precious life is and that you must participate to receive its benefits.
My brother-in-law opened the bottom drawer of my sister's bureau and lifted out a tissue- wrapped package. "This," he said, "is not a slip. This is lingerie." He discarded the tissue and handed me the slip. It was exquisite; silk, handmade and trimmed with a cobweb of lace. The price tag with an astronomical figure on it was still attached. "Jan bought this the first time we went to New York, at least 8 or 9 years ago. She never wore it. She was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is the occasion."
He took the slip from me and put it on the bed with the other clothes we were taking to the mortician. His hands lingered on the soft material for a moment, then he slammed the drawer shut and turned to me. "Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Every day you're alive is a special occasion."
I remembered those words through the funeral and the days that followed when I helped him and my niece attend to all the sad chores that follow an unexpected death. I thought about them on the plane returning to California from the Midwestern town where my sister's family lives. I thought about all the things that she hadn't seen or heard or done. I thought about the things that she had done without realizing that they were special.
I'm still thinking about his words, and they've changed my life. I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting on the deck and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time in committee meetings. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experience to savor, not endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.
I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event-such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, the first camellia blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market if I like it. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries without wincing. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties; clerks in hardware stores and tellers in banks have noses that function as well as my party-going friends. "Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now.
I'm not sure what my sister would've done had she known that she wouldn't be here for the tomorrow we all take for granted. I think she would have called family members and a few close friends. She might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think she would have gone out for a Chinese dinner, her favorite food. I'm guessing -I'll never know.
It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew that my hours were limited. Angry because I put off seeing good friends whom I was going to get in touch with - someday. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write - one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband often enough how much I truly love him.
I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God.
You've got to dance like nobody's watching, and love like it's never going to hurt.... People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there.
Thank you Winnie Geraty for reminding me. Life is precious and you must participate to enjoy it.
DIDJA KNOW?: DOGS Why do dogs often turn around a few times before lying down? We could approach this issue anthropologically. Canine culture is peculiar. There is the doggy bone-burying ceremony, which may have religious or economic significance. We are only just now developing a lexicon of tail-wagging signifiers. And cultural theorists have only begun to deconstruct dog-meet-dog sniffing. But when it comes to the old spin-around-before-lying-down routine, there's an awfully simple explanation. Fido's ancestors did not have the benefit of spacious suburban backyards or a nice, cushy pillow in a box in which to nap. Before they could lie down they had to clear a space in which to do it. That meant flattening out the surrounding underbrush by trampling on it. Do that for a few million years and it becomes a habit. Did you ever try to break a habit? Source: EVER WONDER WHY? by Douglas B. Smith
HEY COPPER! Back in the 1840s, the New York City Police Department was given its first uniform. These snappy little numbers included copper buttons down the front. This gave rise to the term "cops" or "copper" for the police.
DID NOT SAY MUCH. American presidential candidates need little encouragement to give a speech, even when they have nothing to say. That's why it's nothing short of amazing that America's third president, Thomas Jefferson, author of the Declaration of Independence made no public appearances or speeches in his eight years in office other than to deliver his inaugural address to Congress. He even submitted his annual State of the Union message in writing. Hardly anyone ever saw the guy. Imagine what supermarket tabloid headlines could have done with that: ALIENS ABDUCT PRESIDENT: THREE-BRAINED MONSTER IN JEFFERSON MASK LIVING IN WHITE HOUSE!!! Source: AMERICAN SPHINX: THE CHARACTER OF THOMAS JEFFERSON
WHAT MAMMAL HAS THE HEAVIEST BRAIN? The sperm whale. Its brain weighs up to 20 pounds - six time's heavier than a human's.
WHY DID ACTOR GARY COOPER DRESS IN A YANKEE UNIFORM WITH NEW YORK SPELLED BACKWARD DURING THE FILMING THE PRIDE OF THE YANKEES, THE STORY OF LOU GEHRIG? Because Gehrig was a lefty and Cooper was a righty. Cooper had tried to bat and field lefty for the part, but looked too awkward. So he was filmed batting righty and fielding righty from third base. Then the negative was reversed to make it look like he was playing lefty. In reversing the negative, New York was no longer spelled backward.
THE NAME OF WHAT BRAVE TROJAN WARRIOR ONCE WAS A SYNONYM FOR HERO, BUT NOW MEANS BULLY? Hector, the eldest son of Priam. The present meaning of the name can be traced back to a seventeenth-century London street gang whose members called themselves hectors - or heroes.
ADRENALINE JUNKIES Ever known anyone who has a strange attachment to eating hot peppers? Always orders food, "hot hot"? One thing that is consistent among these people is that they are quite proud of their ability to eat hot food. Well, here is an entertaining explanation. Researchers theorize that eating hot foods is a form of constrained risk. Further, the heat sensation produces the same adrenaline rush as the flight-or-fight syndrome. So, it looks like your friend is just a frustrated risk taker.
WHAT PART OF THE BANANA IS USED TO MAKE BANANA OIL? No part. Banana oil, a synthetic compound made with amyl alcohol, is named for its banana-like aroma. It is primarily as a paint solvent and in artificial fruit flavoring.
WHO INVENTED EVAPORATED MILK IN 1853? Gail Borden, who went on to invent a variety of juice concentrates and became known as "the father of the instant food industry."
HOW MANY LEMONS DOES THE AVERAGE LEMON TREE YIELD PER YEAR? 1,500. The trees usually bloom throughout the year, with the fruit picked 6 to 10 times a year.
WHAT RECIPE DID TEXAS ICE-CREAM MAKER ELMER DOOLIN BUY FOR $100 FROM THE OWNER OF A SAN ANTONIO CAFE IN 1933 - AND USED TO MAKE A FORTUNE? The recipe for tasty corn chips that he marketed as Fritos. He made them at night in his mother's kitchen and peddled them from his Model-T Ford.
FARMS... HAH! If I asked you which county in New York State uses the most pesticide, you might initially consider the many farms in upstate New York. Well, you'd be wrong. The greatest amount of pesticide is used in New York City. (Though we've found no truth to the rumor that it's been a part of Giuliani's anti-crime campaign.)
QUOTES: "What one has to do usually can be done." --Eleanor Roosevelt
"How to succeed: try hard enough. "How to fail: Try too hard." --Malcolm Forbes
"It's the most unhappy people who most fear change." --Mignon McLaughlin
"What we need is a flexible plan for an everchanging world." --Jerry Brown
"The true test of character is not how much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don't know what to do." --John Holt
"What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say." --Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire." --Reggie Leach
THIS WEEK'S CUTIES: Inheritance hurts - Thanks to Bud Casselberry Two friends meet on a Miami street. One looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?" The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars." "That's not bad." "Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear." "Sounds like you should be grateful." "Last week my great aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million." "The how come you look so glum?" "This week...nothing!"
CHILD SUPPORT - Thanks to Bill Hamm A blond man frantically calls 911 and says, "Help...my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart". The 911 operator asks, "is this her first child?" To which the blond replies, "Of course not, you idiot.. this is her husband"
Miracles never cease - Also Bud Casselberry One morning, a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some water on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?" The boy replied, "Flat on his butt, over by the holy water."
Deep Thoughts * A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "quit while you're ahead"?
* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me. they were cramming for their finals.
* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use...Toothpicks?
* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
* How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
* Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
* How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
* Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why people appear bright until you hear them speak?
* How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING 'MARVELOUSLY MATURE' WHEN............. 1. You and your teeth don't sleep together. 2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. 3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. 4. Your back goes out but you stay home. 5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture. 6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. 7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. 8. When happy hour is a nap. 9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.. 10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it. 11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. 12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there. 13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. 14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. 15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer. 16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr. 17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. 18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend. 19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot. 20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals. 21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good. 22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work. 23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time. 24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there. 25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good. 26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore. 27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. 28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
And Finally Kids? It's like living with homeless people. They're cute but they just chase you around all day long going, "Can I have a dollar? I'm missing a shoe! I need a ride!" -- Kathleen Madigan
OK! That's a Wrap. See ya next week! I hope you enjoyed this communication and can attend one or more of the sessions scheduled for this week.