Good whatever time of day it just happens to be. It is nice to be able to communicate with you today and I hope that this Newsletter will be an educating and entertaining experience. By the way, the Archive page is back with KCnet Senior Net Learner Newsletters available for reference dating back to January16, 2000. The address is clickable here: http://www.seniorcenter.net/netlearnernews/archives/ Also, you can access from the main page of our Senior Net Center: http://www.seniorcenter.net/ They are stuffed with graphics and midis in addition to some great sites to visit; the sites that you may have lost track of over the months. Oh yeah, while I'm in this suggestion mood I'd like to tell you about some sites that we talked about in the Senior Net Learners Advanced Class this past Wednesday. You can't afford not to register with these folks and take advantage of the email offers to enhance and enlighten your daily life encounters. Both sites offer tons of information available on a daily basis or by personal request. Dummies Daily: This site is a service from the folks who offer the famous "Dummies Books" and hundreds of other educational books and courses. You can register to receive daily email tips about almost anything, computers to pet rearing. Just amble on over to http://www.dummies.com/ and look around. At least click on the link Dummies Daily™ eTips™. This will take you to an opportunity to register and choose your daily dose of Dummie tips. The next suggestion to enhancement is the IDG Books online site, http://www.idgbooks.com/ Many of the opportunities have a price and many do not. Check out the "Free and Downloadable" hot link available in the left margin frame. This last one is a "Gooder" too. Again the routine here is to pick your topics for daily email and subscribe/register (free) http://www.topica.com/tipworld/ You will not believe the available subjects. By the way, the tips are accurate and timely. I've hesitated suggesting the above sites for fear that you will become so enlightened that you will not need classes and technical assistance! Well, I've been a subscriber for a couple of years and the darn technology changes so constantly that I still need classes and technical assistance. I've decided that the same will probably happen to the readership, so have at it! Get registed!
THIS WEEK'S SCHEDULE:\ Monday 8/21/00 @ 6 :00 PM Monday evening Intermediates (fifth session of six sessions) The class roster is closed. A new course will begin September 18, 2000. Call KCnet to register. The cost is $12.00 for the six sessions. Some topics to be addressed include: Basics of maneuvering about the Windows Operating System, copy/paste,drag/drop, editing, saving to various drives, right mouse button options, creating folders and files, uninstalling, deleting, advanced email and browser techniques involving bookmarks, address books, forwarding messages, attachments, and HTML (Hyper Text Markup Language). Dave Winkelman provides the leadership for this class. Beginner computer knowledge and beginner computer skills are necessary. A ton of info is packed into the six sessions. This course is designed for those who "think they know" and especially for those who "want to know" more.
Tuesday 8/22/00 @9:00 Tuesday morning Newbies (fourth session of six sessions) This is a very basic course in computer techniques for the internet. The next Tuesday morning Newbies will begin September 12, 2000. There is a $12.00 per course charge for this class. Class size is limited so participants should pre register. Skills taught in the beginner classes include mouse techniques like drag and drop, plus very beginner basics for email and browsing the Web. Dave Winkelman provides the leadership for this class. It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it is very difficult to retain information without practice. You really would not try to learn to play the piano with out actual keyboard time.
Tuesday 8/22/00 @5:00 PM Tuesday Evening Newbies (fifth session of six sessions) This class is full and is a very basic course in computer techniques for the internet. There is a $12.00 per course charge for this class. The next Tuesday evening class will be September 12, 2000. There is a $12.00 per course charge for this class. Class size is limited so participants should pre register. Skills taught in the beginner classes include mouse techniques like drag and drop, plus very beginner basics for email and browsing the Web. Dave Winkleman provides the leadership for this class. It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it is very difficult to retain information without practice. You really would not try to learn to play the piano with out actual keyboard time.
Wednesday 8/23/00 @9:00 AM Wednesday morning group of Senior Net Learners: . This is an advanced group and we cover a lot of territory. We are kind of free flowing. You never know what will transpire. We will continue addressing Q&A from the group. New participants are always welcome. It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it sure helps with the learning curve. We will have some followup on dialpad and some other communication typw programs. Usually, Mike Foust, and anyone else who wants to jump into the fray, provide the leadership for this session. Intermediate computer knowledge and Intermediate computer skills are necessary.
Thursday 8/24/00 @ 9:00 AM Thursday morning Intermediates (fifth session of six sessions) The class roster is closed. A new course will begin September 14, 2000. Call KCnet to register. The cost is $12.00 for the six sessions. Some topics to be addressed include: Basics of maneuvering about the Windows Operating System, copy/paste, drag/drop, editing, saving to various drives, right mouse button options, creating folders and files, uninstalling, deleting, advanced email and browser techniques involving bookmarks, address books, forwarding messages, attachments, and HTML (Hyper Text Markup Language). Mike Foust provides the leadership for this class. Beginner computer knowledge and beginner computer skills are necessary. A ton of info is packed into the six sessions. This course is designed for those who "think they know" and especially for those who "want to know" more.
The Intermediate Group Course Content:
OTHER SESSIONS MEETING AT KCNET: MAC Users: This is an ongoing (no start or finish date) group of Apple Mac owners/users. The group meets every 1st Thursday each month from 4:30-6:30. Each session is $5.00. The next session is August 10, 2000. Clair Falls is the group leader.
Genealogy: This is a four session program costing $20.00 for all the sessions. Sessions are second Thursdays from 6:00-8:00. A new 4 session series will start September 14, 2000. Dave Wallace is the instructor. Class size is limited so please pre register.
Please call Dave Winkleman at KCnet, 893-8111, to suggest other course interests.
TECHNICALLY SPEAKING: UPGRADE OR DOWNLOAD INSTANT MESSENGER Instant Messenger users can be upgraded to the 4.0 version. Non users can register and download. http://home.netscape.com/aim/index.html You can check your version by opening Instant Messenger, sign on, choose "About Instant Messenger." Your version will be listed for you. New and enhanced features include Voice Chat, instant imaging (images appear in the message, no attachments), enhanced stock tickers, enhanced buddy info, 16 new 'smiley' icons to enhance your tone and message, secure authorization, add group to buddy list, and auto upgrade.
THE NEXT THREE ARE FROM TIPWORLD! ENLARGING WINDOW SCROLLBARS Are the buttons on your windows' scrollbars too small to grab? (Scrollbars are the bars on the right and bottom edges of windows that allow you to scroll through the current window.) Then make them bigger! Right-click the desktop and select Properties to open the Display Properties dialog box. Select the Appearance tab, and in the dropdown list under Item, select Scrollbar. Adjust the Size (just to the right of the Item field), and watch the preview area until you like what you see. Click OK to keep the change. CAUTION-Anytime you play on this page mark down the numbers you started with before making any changes so that you can return to the original settings if unwanted appearances occur. Also note that clicking on the word "Apply" allows you to preview a change without it becoming effective. (Tip-in-a-tip: To make the change a permanent part of a desktop scheme, click Save As, type the name of the scheme, and click OK.)
CHANGING DESKTOP ICONS The standard Windows desktop icons are fine, but they may not be just right for the kind of desktop you have in mind. Remember that you can choose from a handful of alternative icons for your My Computer, Network Neighborhood, Recycle Bin, and My Documents folders. Just right-click on your desktop and select Properties. Click Effects and choose the icon you wish to modify from the box at the top. Click the Change Icon tab and select a new icon from the list (browse to the folder containing the icon files, if necessary), then click OK twice. You can also choose icons that have been downloaded from the net or saved from other disks.
DISPLAYING SPECIFIC FILE EXTENSIONS File extensions are those three-letter suffixes attached to all files that let your computer know what kind of file it's dealing with. Most users like to keep their extensions hidden, if only for aesthetic purposes, not wanting to clutter their desktop and folders with unnecessary text. But you should know that displaying file extensions is not an either/or proposition; you can choose to display file extensions for only specific kinds of files. If, for example, you always want to know whenever a given file is a text file (with the extension .txt), you can choose to display the extension for that type only. Go to Start, Settings, Folder Options, and click the File Types tab. Select the file type you wish to modify (in our example, Text Document) and click the Edit tab. Check the Always Show Extension box, and then click OK twice.
WINDOWS KEY SHORTCUTS Windows key shortcuts. (good if your keyboard has window keys, check the lowest row of keys,usually two keys to the right and left of the space bar) If you do not find them there then they probably next to the "Any" key (chuckle! chuckle!) Press: Windows-D to jump to the desktop (minimize all open windows) Windows-E to open Windows Explorer Windows-F to open Find Windows-L to log off Windows Windows-M to minimize all open windows (or Shift-Windows-M to undo this command) Windows-R to open the Run window Windows-Break to open the System Properties dialog box Windows-F1 to open Help Windows-Tab to cycle through the Taskbar buttons
QUICK WAYS TO HIGHLIGHT TEXT Do you have a word processor on your system? Of course you do (at a minimum, you have Notepad and WordPad)! And if you're like every other word processing individual we know, you frequently need to highlight text. Before you start all that cumbersome clicking and dragging, try these shortcuts on for size: To highlight a word, double-click it. To highlight a line of text, click once to its left (in the left margin). To highlight an entire paragraph, double-click to its left (again, in the margin). THE OTHER WAY TO SKIN THE CAT Shift + Ctrl + UpArrow selects a paragraph up. Shift + Ctrl + DownArrow selects a paragraph down. Shift + Ctrl + End selects to the end of the document. Shift + Ctrl + Home selects to the beginning of the document.
INTERESTING SITES: CLICK TV This one is the best TV Guide site I've used. It is fast and user friendly too. Welcome to the most accurate, up-to-date, interactive television listings on the Web. And they'd better be. They come from TVData, a major supplier of television information in North America. ClickTV offers two weeks' worth of TV listings for broadcast, cable, and satellite lineups. Just enter your zip code (US and Canada only), your type of connection, and ClickTV spits out a colorful, easy-to-read programming grid. You can search TV listings by subject or title. Or peruse other television-related stuff, including articles, reviews, and daily picks. Free registration allows you to customize your listings, including order of channels and information displayed. It's almost as much fun as watching TV! listings.clicktv.com
PUZZLE SITE Again thanks to Sue Foust. A lot of folks wrote about the Puzzles Pages in last weeks letter so here is another good one. www.pacpub.com/new/crosswords/
ANOTHER PUZZLE SITE Thanks to Earl Keen and Rob Herrington. jigzone.com/
URLs Pay for Your View Kanoodle.com is a "bid-for-location" search site. That is, after you enter a search term and click the Search button, you see a rundown of URLs that paid to be listed. (You can even check out the transaction amount.) The site also offers a love and advice area, music home pages by genre, weekly polls, and other tidbits of interest. www.kanoodle.com
SIMPLE INTERFACE FOR SEARCH ENGINE Savvy.com has the simplest interface of any search engine. The meta-search site provides a blank for typing your search term, a "Go" button, and that's it. From those you retrieve a list of related Web sites. Each item offers a title, a one-, two-, or three line description, a URL, and a note that identifies which other search engine provided the data. savvy.com
A WORD ABOUT...WORDS "a web of linguistic fun." The folks at YourDictionary.com, a long-under-construction Web site that promises (someday) to become a "Web of online dictionaries" and a "Web portal specializing in language," has opened a preview section that promises to be just about as much fun as Christmas morning for anyone like me who thinks that words are the world's greatest toys. With the introductory explanation that linguistics is a new science, not about learning different languages but about how language works, this site sets off on a merry intellectual romp through a variety of articles and links. Clear but not dumbed-down articles cover such linguistic ground as the etymological kinship between a hippopotamus and a feather...how babies learn to talk...why the order of words in sentences matters (and not why of matters order in sentences words the)...and even how to write your name in Egyptian hieroglyphics, Mayan hieroglyphics, and Japanese katakana. www.yourdictionary.com/fun.html
THE'RE BACK in case you did not realize they were conspicously missing for awhile. As my mom would say, "they're cute as the deuce." I never did find a cute deuce to compare the somethings to. The Legend of Smiley Land www.fun2send.com/smile.htm I Flipped www.fun2send.com/flip.htm Can't Bear www.fun2send.com/bear.htm Parade of Stars www.fun2send.com/parade.htm
Just in case you're among those who missed not having the Justsaywow sites last week: These sites will give you a couple extra clicks on the X in the upper right to return. Thanks to Jim Rockwell. The sign is a hoot and the Irish Blessing is usable for special talks and special blessings. I Saw the Sign www.justsaywow.com/signs.htm An Irish Blessing www.justsaywow.com/irishblessing.htm Hey Wassuuup! Another cute as the deuce one. www.justsaywow.com/wassuuup.htm
DIDJA KNOW?: Why do they say "love" instead of "zero" in tennis? Tennis used to be a sport for ladies and gentlemen. But in recent years we've seen championship caliber players cursing the linesman and throwing both their rackets and temper tantrums on the court. "Love" was hardly the point: tennis had become war. Not that tennis terminology such as "love" ever had anything to do with being polite. In fact, substituting love for zero was a way of saying that the player with no points had laid an egg, and that's not being very nice. The French, who popularized tennis, thought the zero on the scoreboard resembled an egg. French for egg is "l'oeuf," which is what they called zero. When tennis crossed the pond, Americans also called zero "l'eouf." They just slightly scrambled the pronunciation. And that's the story of love. Source: EVER WONDER WHY? By Douglas B. Smith
CHOPSTICKS: I might look for another explanation. The most distinguishing thing about eating at a Chinese restaurant is the fact that you get to eat with chopsticks. It seems odd that the Chinese never created knives and forks or some equivalent. One account (although there may be others) as to why the Chinese use chopsticks goes like this. A Chinese emperor long ago feared a public uprising. He ordered his troops to collect all metal implements that might be used as weapons against him. This included eating utensils. Without their utensils, the Chinese learned to eat with narrow sticks cut from bamboo trees--giving birth to the chopstick.
Why are pirates called buccaneers? If you think there's some sort of romantic origin to this word, think again. What follows has nothing to do with swash or buckle. The word buccaneer comes from the Caribbean, known as the "Spanish Main" in days of yore. It arose in the 17th century and was derived from the French verb, boucaner, to cure meat, as in putting the flesh out on a wooden rack to dry. Pirates preserved meat in this manner so that they could store it on long voyages. It is thus not swordplay that figures in the origins of "buccaneer," but knife and fork play. It was not about satisfying the pirate's appetite for booty, just his appetite. Source: THE OXFORD DICTIONARY OF ENGLISH ETYMOLOGY
FAST FACTS: In 1922, British Egyptologist Howard Carter startled the world when he opened the tomb of the 18-year-old Pharaoh, King Tut. The curse on the tomb and the riches in it caught everyone's fancy. In the United States the discovery caused a fad, with people buying chairs that resembled Egyptian thrones and even naming kids Tutter and Tuttie. Fortunately the fad stopped at the grave's edge. There are no pyramids in US cemeteries from that time, and rich people did not insist that their servants be buried alive with them, a la Pharaonic Egypt. Source: PANATI'S PARADE OF FADS, FOLLIES, AND MANIAS
THE INVENTION OF THE BLENDER In the U.S. in 1882 an inventor patented a propeller-driven rocking chair. The propeller supplied movement to the chair from its mount at the top of the chair's back. Legend has it that the inventor, in his first demonstration of the chair, leaned back too far, got his hair caught in the propeller, and... Well, you really don't want to know. But wait, there's a happy ending. His heirs were not left empty-handed. They re-patented his machine as a blender. Source: 2201 FASCINATING FACTS
WHAT LANGUAGE DO BELGIANS SPEAK? WHERE IS THE COUNTRY LOCATED? The official languages of Belgium are Flemish Dutch and French. The country is bounded by the North Sea, the Netherlands, West Germany, Luxembourg, and France.
HOW MUCH IS THE NUMBER GOOGOL? First used in 1940 by nine-year-old Milton Sirotta, it is the number 1 followed by 100 zeros. It was brought to public attention by Sirotta's uncle, mathematician Edward Kasner, in his books Mathematics and the Imagination.
WHO CAME UP WITH THE TERM BLACK HOLE AND WHAT IS IT? Twentieth-century American physicist John Archibald Wheeler (b. 1911) coined the term to describe a collapsed star whose gravitational field is so intense that not even light can escape from it.
WHEN WAS HALLEY'S COMET FIRST SPOTTED? WHAT DOES HALLEY HAVE TO DO WITH IT? Chinese astronomers made the first recorded observation in 240 B.C. In 1705, English astronomer Edmund Halley was the first to theorize that comets travel in regular orbits around the sun. Proposing the "the great comet" observed in 1682 made periodic visits every 76 years, he predicted that it would return in 1758. The comet was named for him when his prediction came true, 16 years after his death.
QUOTES:Some will make good signature files for email. "Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open." -- Ogden Nash
"Work can wait while you show a child the rainbow. The rainbow won't wait while you do the work." --Unknown, and borrowed from Peg Masden's email signature file.
"The greater the obstacle, the more the glory in overcoming it." --Moliere
"There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in." --Graham Greene
"The search for a new personality is futile; what is fruitful is the interest the old personality can take in new activities." --Cesare Pavese
"A man can stand a lot as long as he can stand himself." --Axel Munthe
"The real tragedy of life is not being limited to one talent, but in failing to use that one talent." --Edgar Watson Howe
"Being a personality is not the same thing as having a personality." --Alan Coren
"Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence." --Sloan Wilson
THIS WEEK'S CUTIES: Just had to share this with you. Sue sent me an email a few moments ago. It seems that she assigned the task of updating the KCnet classes pages to one of the new techies. The following verbage was actually up and available to the public. Sue did a proof read job and thought we would enjoy the typo or maybe it is true and was Freudian. Thought you'd enjoy this. It was on our "KCnet Seniors Classes" page: Let me know if you cannot find the typo.
Seniors Advanced: Win95/98 No Charge Every Wednesday 9:00 A.M. -11:00 P.M. This is a free-flowing curse designed to address the interests of the participants.
I'm going to be politically uncorrect with the next two. The first one is a blonde joke but she could have had any color hair. Thanks to Bill Hamm via Bud Casselberry. YOU CAN PAINT MY PORCH A blonde wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. Well you can paint my porch. How much will you charge? The blonde said "How about 50 dollars? The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife inside the house heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied "She should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes the blonde answered and I had paint left over so I gave it two coats." Impressed the man reached in his pocket for the $50. And by the way, the blonde added, "it's not a Porch it's a Ferrari."
And now a Redneck List. From Tom Livingston Top 40 Things You Would Never Hear a Redneck Say (Not ever, no matter how much they've had to drink. No matter how far from the South they've wandered. Not never. Not no how.) 40. Honey, we'll need the salad forks and soup spoons for our dinner settings this evening. 39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 38. Duct tape won't fix that. 37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. 36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. 35. We don't keep firearms in this house. 34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? 33. You can't feed that to the dog. 32. I thought Graceland was tacky. 31. No kids in the back of the pickup. It's just not safe. 30. Wrasslin's fake. 29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 28. We're vegetarians. 27. Do you think my gut is too big? 26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 25. Honey, we don't need another dog. 24. Who's Richard Petty? 23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit. 20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 19. Trim the fat off that steak. 18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 17. The tires on that truck are too big. 16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. 15. I've got it all on the C drive. 14. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? 12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. 9. Checkmate. 8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? 6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 5. I don't have a favorite college team. 4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. 3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. 1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight
Never had it so good. This one from Bud Casselberry A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm just so in love with my twenty-five-year-old wife." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, she cooks me breakfast and kisses me and tells me she loves me ... at lunchtime she comes home and embraces me warmly, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home with ice cream, the best an old man could want. And then after a gourmet supper, she gives me a warm bath, and cuddles up with me all night." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "Oh, I think I see- you just found out she's with you for your money?" "No," the old man answers through his sobbing and tears, "I forgot where I live."
Mud Bath Also Bud. A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live." "But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?" After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day." Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?" "No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
Important Office Memo Another Bud. Bud jokes were especially good this week. To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy Dear staff members: Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress to our minor difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten up just a bit. Effective Monday: 1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you, but it's a sad sign of the times. 2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will be reversed. Please don't tell anybody. 3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is . . . ."The stickers will be available at the front desk. 4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer be hyper linked via the Internet to such Web sites as www.moammar.com <http://www.moammar.com>, www.swedechicks.com http://www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com http://www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to all Disney sites will be maintained, however. 5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls. 6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised to "keep un eye on zem" for us. 7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend projects around the house." That includes you parents who are helping the kids with their science fair projects. 8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for "recreational use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you posted. 9. Staff will not be permitted to borrowing batteries from the burglar alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during working hours. 10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employeesmust enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in late. I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national secrets that have been entrusted to our care. Remember: Security isn't a part-time job-it's an imperative, all 37 1/2 hours of the week!
Sincerely, Bill
Mouse Usage. This is a jpeg from Skip and Linda Frye click on the words Mouse Usage to see the joke.
How to Win Arguments I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
* Drink Liquor. Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
* Make things up. Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."
* Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list: Let me put it this way In terms of Vis-a-vis Per se As it were Qua So to speak You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement.
* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks. You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. Thebest are: You're begging the question. You're being defensive. Don't compare apples and oranges. What are your parameters? This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Here's how to use your comebacks: You say, "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..." Your opponents says, "Lincoln died in 1865." You say "You're begging the question." OR You say, "Liberians, like most Asians..." Your opponents says, "Liberia is in Africa." You say, "You're being defensive." So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who carry weapons.
On their 25th anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned. After they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!" The husband said "I suppose, we could vacuum."
OK! That's a Wrap. See ya next week! I hope you enjoyed this communication and can attend one or more of the sessions scheduled for this week.