SENIOR NET NEWSLETTER 12/03/2000
SEIZE THE MOMENT Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedules, didn't know it was coming, or were too rigid to depart from their routines.
I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. Ever since, I've tried to be a little more flexible.
How many women out there will eat at home because their husbands didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something was thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean anything to you?
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched "Jeopardy" on television?
I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in half an hour?" She would gasp and stammer, "I can't."
Check one: "I have clothes in the dryer." "My hair is a mess." "I wish I had known yesterday." "I had a late breakfast." "It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday."
My sister died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.
Because we Americans cram so much into our lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect. We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.
Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Some day when things settle down a bit." When anyone calls my seize-the-moment friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of roller blades and skip the elevator for a bungee cord.
My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my hips with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.
Now--go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to do not something on your SHOULD DO list.
THIS WEEK'S SCHEDULE: Monday 12/04/00 Monday evening Intermediates (fifth session of six sessions) The cost is $12.00 for the six sessions. Some topics to be addressed include: Basics of maneuvering about the Windows Operating System, copy/paste,drag/drop, editing, saving to various drives, right mouse button options, creating folders and files, uninstalling, deleting, advanced email and browser techniques involving bookmarks, address books, forwarding messages, attachments, and HTML (Hyper Text Markup Language). Dave Winkelman provides the leadership for this class. Beginner computer knowledge and beginner computer skills are necessary. A ton of info is packed into the six sessions. This course is designed for those who "think they know" and especially for those who "want to know" more.
Tuesday 12/05/00 @9:00 AM Tuesday morning Newbies (fourth of six sessions) This is a very basic course in computer techniques for the internet. There is a $12.00 per course charge for this class. Class size is limited so participants should pre register. Skills taught in the beginner classes include mouse techniques like drag and drop, plus very beginner basics for email and browsing the Web. Dave Winkelman provides the leadership for this class. It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it is very difficult to retain information without practice. You really would not try to learn to play the piano with out actual keyboard time.
Wednesday 12/06/00 @9:00 AM Wednesday morning group of Senior Net Learners: This is an advanced group and we cover a lot of territory. We are kind of free flowing. You never know what will transpire. We will cover removing programs from startup. . We will continue addressing Q&A from the group. I have some Power Point presentations done by John Laubscher if we plead enough maybe John will show us how he put them together. New participants are always welcome. It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it sure helps with the learning curve. Usually, Mike Foust, and anyone else who wants to jump into the fray, provide the leadership for this session. Intermediate computer knowledge and Intermediate computer skills are necessary.
Thursday 12/07/00 @1:00 PM Thursday Afternoon Newbies (sixth session of six sessions) This class is a very basic course in computer techniques for the internet. There is a $12.00 per course charge for this class. Skills taught in the beginner classes include mouse techniques like drag and drop, plus very beginner basics for email and browsing the Web. Dave Winkleman provides the leadership for this class. It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it is very difficult to retain information without practice. You really would not try to learn to play the piano with out actual keyboard time.
The Intermediate Group Course Content: We mess around with the desktop, rearrange icons, change backgrounds, create screen savers, learn to make shortcuts on the desktop, learn a bunch of ways to access the hard drive and discuss how our computers resemble a file cabinet in its organization. We learn a little bit about extensions like .gif, .wav, .mid, .txt, .doc, .jpeg, .exe, and dot de dot de dot... just to name a few. We discover what special programs are already installed on our computers to help us see these special extensions. We make folders and subfolders on the hard drive. We copy and paste files into these folders. We learn the difference between cut/paste and copy/paste. We learn how to copy/borrow graphic and midi files from the internet and save them to the new folders we make. Then we copy and paste files from floppies to the hard drive, we move files from the hard drive to a floppy disk. We take floppies home with graphics and midis on them to put on the hard drives to use with email. We investigate the difference between uninstall and delete for programs and files and when it is appropriate to do either. We learn how to do a "Thorough" Scandisk, Defrag. and Cleandisk. We become proficient with Bookmarks and Forwarding messages. The final week we will get into HTML in email. So look out because we will be terrorizing our friends with neat souped up emails. Yep!, we definitely learn enough to be verrrrry dangerous AND...WE HAVE FUN!!!.
OTHER SESSIONS MEETING AT KCNET:
TECHNICALLY SPEAKING: SO WHAT IS TECHNICAL ABOUT FLAMING BANANAS? First you have to be able to control fire. That takes luck if nothing else. Keep in mind that "Flaming" now has a cyber meaning. Technically speaking it means to criticize another's post with a candid and biting statement. This is much stronger than a wrist slap. Therefore this meaning qualifies this recipe as technical in nature. An elegant, flaming dessert to dress up your next dinner party. Serves 4. 1/4 cup butter 1/4 cup brown sugar, firmly packed 1 tablespoon lemon juice 4 bananas, peeled and halved lengthwise 1/4 cup light rum Melt butter in a large heavy skillet or chafing dish over low heat; stir in brown sugar and lemon juice. Simmer, stirring often, for 5 minutes, or until mixture bubbles and thickens slightly. Add banana halves, rounded side down; turn carefully to coat all sides with syrup. Simmer gently 1 minute. Heat rum in a small saucepan over low heat; do not boil. Pour over bananas. Carefully ignite, using a long match; baste until flames subside. Remove skillet from heat. Carefully transfer bananas to 4 serving plates, spooning sauce over. Serve immediately. Per serving: 290 cal, 12 g fat, 31 mg cholesterol, 40 g carbohydrates, 3 g fiber, 1 g protein, 122 mg sodium HINT FOR CHOOSING BANANAS Polls show that most seniors, due to their age and position in time do not buy green bananas. Anyway, after preparing and eating this delicacy, you may just "Think you dyed and went to heaven".
CLEANING UP THE START MENU Whenever you do some routine house cleaning on your Start menu (something you should definitely do, lest the poor Start menu become overrun with extraneous icons), remember that the fastest and easiest way to access the shortcuts is to simply right-click the Start button and select Open. When you do this, a window opens indicating which icons are available, and you can prune at will.
NEXT RELEASE OF WINDOWS NAMED It seems the next release of Windows, currently dubbed "Whistler," will be named Windows 2001. According to Paul Thurrott's WinInfo, Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates never referred to Whistler as Windows 2001 during his Comdex keynote, but a Microsoft press release about the event (written before Gates appeared on stage) said: "Gates said that the next version of Windows, scheduled to be available in the second half of next year, will make the PC much simpler for consumers and business users alike, while featuring the rock-solid performance of Windows 2000 that businesses have relied on. He explained that cutting-edge hardware and software companies are excited and already planning for the Windows 2001 launch."
CHANGE MOUSE POINTERS Want a mouse pointer with more personality than a boring old arrow? Windows comes with lots of fun choices--some are even animated. (Note: You'll need to install the pointers off the installation CD, if you haven't already done so. Open the Control Panel, double-click Add/Remove Programs, and click the Windows Setup tab. In the list of Components, double-click Accessories. Select Mouse Pointers, click OK twice, and insert the installation CD when asked. If you don't have an installation CD, go to http://support.microsoft.com/support/kb/articles/q135/3/15.asp to download the Mouse Pointers component.) Open the Control Panel by selecting Start, Settings, Control Panel, and then double-click Mouse. Click the Pointers tab to see your current selections. Select the pointer you want to change, click Browse, and a dialog box full of pointers appears. (To preview an animated pointer, select the corresponding *.ani file and watch the Preview box.) Select your pointer of choice and then click Open. Repeat these steps for each pointer you'd like to change, then click OK.
GOOGLE SAFE SEARCH Google now has a SafeSearch option. When you search for Web pages in Google's famously large list, you can turn on the SafeSearch to automatically exclude pages that have keywords, phrases, or URLs (domain names) that are "adult." SafeSearch also checks to see if the pages are in an Open Directory category recognized as not always suitable for children, and applies the filtering from SurfWatch to finish the job. If you find a Google listing that you think should have been filtered out by SafeSearch, Google invites you to e-mail it to their attention. Google SafeSearch Google now has a SafeSearch option. When you search for Web pages in Google's famously large list, you can turn on the SafeSearch to automatically exclude pages that have keywords, phrases, or URLs (domain names) that are "adult." SafeSearch also checks to see if the pages are in an Open Directory category recognized as not always suitable for children, and applies the filtering from SurfWatch to finish the job. If you find a Google listing that you think should have been filtered out by SafeSearch, Google invites you to e-mail it to their attention. http://www.google.com
SUBFOLDERS TO THE RESCUE When you create a new folder for organizing your messages, it has columns that feature vital information about each message such as Subject, Sender, Date, and so on. However, with the exception of the Sent folder, folders always include Sender as one of the columns. We all know that if you send a message, YOU are the sender--you don't need a column in the folder to tell you. You'd probably rather have a Recipient column. Subfolders to the rescue! If you create a subfolder to your Sent folder, it will have the same properties as the Sent folder--so it will have a Recipient column instead of a Sender column. To create a subfolder to the Sent folder (or any other folder), right-click the Sent folder in Messenger. Select New Subfolder from the pop-up menu. Give the subfolder a name and make sure it is created as a subfolder of Sent. You will now have a new folder within the Sent folder that has all the properties and columns of the regular Sent folder. Create as many as you need, even subsubfolders!
CLICK AND DRAG TO SELECT ICONS If you need to select more than one item in a folder or on the desktop, rope them all in with a simple click and drag. In any folder or on the desktop, click a blank area, then drag the mouse to draw a box around the items you want to select. Release the mouse button, and everything inside appears highlighted. Miss a few? Hold down Ctrl as you click other items to add to the selection. (Tip: Don't release Ctrl while you're clicking, or you'll lose your initial selection.)
MOVING FORWARD IN REVERSE You can use the Forward and Back buttons on your Navigator toolbar to move to a page several steps away from the current page. To skip back several steps to a page you viewed a few minutes ago, right-click the Back button on the toolbar--you'll see a list of the last ten pages you visited. Select one from the list to go directly to that page--there's no need to click the Back button three or four times. The same is true for the Forward button. Say you just clicked the Back button--you can return to the page you just left by right-clicking the Forward button and selecting the last page on the list.
SANTA TRAINS THE TEAM Photo from Brenda Dunlap. Santa requires his team to participate in an annual training routine in preparation for the well documented historic flights about the world.. Each December 1 Santa harnesses the team and begins the daily rigorous physical and mental flying simulations to prepare the team for the actual event which occurs on the eve of December 24. A bit of a glitch occurred this year. It appears that Dasher misread Santa's signal to occupy a lower altitude. Dasher feigned a right bank then abruptly juked the team to the left and encountered an Air Alaska in pattern to Fairbanks. Click here for photographic documentation. I'll bet we file a flight plan next time.
INTERESTING SITES: TOPOZONE The Internet is crowded with Web sites that generate street maps. But when you ask for a third dimension, the playing field gets pretty empty. Enter Topozone, a Web site that doesn't leave big blank spaces between the highways. Topozone has worked with the USGS to create the Web's first interactive topo map of the entire United States. In fact, it has digital versions of every USGS 1:100,000, 1:63,360, 1:25,000, and 1:24,000 scale map. If you're into hiking, biking, or other outdoor activities that involve elevation changes, this is a site where it really pays to read between the lines. It loads fast too. http://www.topozone.com Another site similar to Topozone and worth exploring is Terraserver. http://www.teraserver.com
ART HISTORY NO MYSTERY If you don't know the difference between Manet and Monet or want to know why pre-Columbian isn't about old coffee, then you might want to bone up on your art history. The Art History Research Centre links to Web, newsgroup, and e-mail resources for art historians and students. Or try Art History Resources with its carefully outlined and organized guide to Western art, from plenty of articles, many links, and some online images. (Note the capital letters in the Web address.) http://art-history.concordia.ca/AHRC/ http://witcombe.sbc.edu/ARTHLinks.html
EYE STORM This one is a bit off the wall but the opening is dynamite. You wake up each morning and ask yourself, "What's going on in the world of art and photography?" If you want to find the answer, go to Eye Storm. More than just an e-commerce site where you can buy fine art and photography, Eye Storm is a cultural nexus where art is discussed, analyzed, and, yes, sold. Learn what's new in art, and gain insights from feature articles about art. View a variety of media. There are profiles of the artists to go along with their work, as well as exhibit information from around the world. The Delve section lets you learn about different styles of art. Eye Storm, a place to discover, explore, and acquire contemporary art. http://www.eyestorm.com/
SPORTS ILLUSTRATED FOR KIDS They say that kids are soft today. They spend too much time watching TV, playing video games or, worse, fantasy role-playing games. Kids today should get out more. But before they do, there's Sports Illustrated online to keep them in touch with all the physical activities in which they are currently NOT indulging. The small ones can find out which athletes share their birthdays, or check out the fantasy sports sections with such catchy titles as Grid-o-Matic for football and Puck-o-Matic for hockey. There's also oodles of trivia games, news about kids in sports, an athlete of the week, and an opportunity to get a free hard copy of Sports Illustrated for kids. http://sikids.com/
KNOW POST One of the nicer features of the Internet is that communities of like-minded people can coalesce online and share information. Know Post attempts to harness that energy by giving people a forum to ask questions and get answers. The queries range from the trivial to the sublime. Recent topics included ridding your house of flies, the literary merits of Harry Potter, and the potential threat of satellite imaging. Questions are divided by topic: sports, literature, government, home and family, etc. Membership is free; however, since you can post a question without being a member, the advantages of membership are not entirely clear. Wondering why you tolerate bad service at your local Taco Bell? Ask Know Post. http://www.knowpost.com/
MUSEUM OF FINE ARTS, BOSTON Want to see Van Gogh face to face? Or would you prefer some drawings from the Ottoman Turks? Or perhaps you require some Japanese art to satisfy your needs? If not, there's always Ansel Adams. The Museum of Fine Arts (MFA) site gives you details about exhibits (past, present, and future), artists (including some audio tidbits from the curator), and an online gallery to pique your interest. You might be 20 or 2500 miles from the MFA, but that's the beauty of the Internet. There's an online tour of the permanent collection, information on upcoming events, memberships, and treasures from the gift shop, so you can order up some souvenirs from your virtual vacation. http://www.mfa.org/
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DIDJA KNOW?: THIS ONE FROM JIM ROCKWELL. What happens when a president gets elected in a year with a "0" at the end? 1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office) 1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated) 1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated) 1900: William McKinley (Assassinated) 1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office) 1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office) 1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated) 1980: Ronald Reagan (Barely Survived Assassination Attempt) Whoever's the loser in FLA, perhaps he shouldn't protest...
UNCLE SAM Who is, or was, Uncle Sam? Sam Wilson supplied the US troops stationed near Troy, New York, with meat during the war of 1812. The meat was shipped to the soldiers stamped, "U.S." for the United States of course. One day, when a federal inspector was checking the meat at Wilson's store, he was told by an employee that the US stood for Uncle Sam--Wilson's nickname. It was not long before all federal supplies were said to belong to Uncle Sam. In the early 1960s, Congress proclaimed Sam Wilson the original Uncle Sam.
WHERE THE BUFFALO ROAM Remember the part of the old song that goes "Oh give me a home, where the buffalo roam . . ." I'm sure you remember the rest. Well, there's a minor problem with these lyrics. There were never any large herds of buffalo on the plains. Those were bison. The true buffalo live only in Africa and Asia and have long horns. The American bison has shorter horns that point toward the animal's back.
How did they choose which presidents to carve on Mt. Rushmore? Well it's a good thing they didn't vote on it or we might still be facing a blank mountain. South Dakota's Mt. Rushmore is said to have been named for a lawyer who was just passing through (sounds like a presidential election, doesn't it?). In the 1920s the state's tourism board decided that it would take more than that name to fill the local hotels so it proposed to have a sculptor carve on the mountain the images of famous figures from western history, such as Kit Carson. They hired John Borglum, who had already been engaged to carve Robert E. Lee's visage on Stone Mt. in Georgia. Borglum had a better idea for Mt. Rushmore: presidents Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt. And so it came to pass. Source: JUST CURIOUS, JEEVES by Jack Mingo and Erin Barrett
DO HENS SIT IN EGGS? After a fashion. They squat on the eggs, supporting most of their weight with their feet. Their nests also provide a protective cushion for the eggs.
A DOG YEAR REALLY SEVEN HUMAN YEARS? No, it is actually five to six years. The average life expectancy of a dog is 12 to 14 years. However, most dogs mature sexually within six to mine months so in that sense there is no strict correspondence to human years.
WHAT ARE THE HIGHEST AND LOWEST TEMPERATURES EVER RECORDED? The was highest 136.4 degrees Fahrenheit at El Azizia, Libya, on September 13, 1922. The lowest was -129 degrees Fahrenheit at Vostok, Antarctica, on July 21, 1983.
WHAT WAS THE FIRST SUPERMARKET? Two self-service stores - precursors to supermarkets - opened in California in 1912: the Alpha Beta Food Market in Pomona and Ward's Grocetaria in Ocean Park. The Piggly-Wiggly stores, which opened in 1916 in Memphis, Tennessee, had self-service and checkout counters but did not call themselves supermarkets. The word supermarket was not part of a store name until 1933, when the Albers Super Markets opened.
WHAT IS THE WORLD'S LARGEST PLANT? It is said to be the General Sherman Tree, a giant sequoia in Sequoia National Park, California. The tree is about 272 feet tall and more than 100 feet in circumference. It is about 3,500 years old.
HOW THICK IS THE CRUST OF THE EARTH? Sometimes likened to the shell that covers an egg, the layer of rock that covers the surface of the earth is, on average, 22 miles thick.
HOW MANY STARS ARE TOO FAINT TO BE SEEN? In our galaxy alone, there are about 100 billion stars. In the universe that we can see, the number of stars is estimates at ten to the twenty-second power.
WHAT WAS THE BIGGEST PIG IN RECORDED HISTORY? It was Big Boy of Black Mountain, North Carolina, weighing 1,904 pounds in 1939.
QUOTES: "Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three meals a day, sharing the workload and remembering to carry out the trash." --Dr. Joyce Brothers
"Sweat plus sacrifice equals success." --Charles O. Finley "Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to yourself the most comforting words of all:
This, too, shall pass." --Ann Landers
"Happy the man who has broken the chains which hurt the mind, and has given up worrying, once and for all." --Ovid
"What worries you, masters you." --Haddon W. Robinson
"Don't hurry, don't worry. You're only here for a short visit. So be sure and stop to smell the flowers." --Walter Hagen
"That is what learning is. You suddenly understand something you've understood all your life, but in a new way." --Doris Lessing
"Courage is the power to let go of the familiar." --Raymond Linquist
"To change and to improve are two different things." --German proverb
"It is important to our friends that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to our friendship that we are not." --Mignon McLaughlin
"Don't tell friends their social faults; they will cure the fault and never forgive you." --Logan Pearsall Smith
"If we all told what we know of one another, there would not be four friends in the world." --Blaise Pascal
THIS WEEK'S CUTIES: Contributions to this weeks chuckles were made by Bud Casselberry, Judy Garner, Justsaywow, Tom Livingston, and a couple I dug up. Things You Never Knew Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception. Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show? A. No theme song. Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace. Q. Most boat owners name their boats.What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession Q. If you were to spell out numbers,how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women. Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day Q. What trivial fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? A. He was allergic to carrots. Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet. Did you know... The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ODD FACTS:- Coca-Cola was originally green. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear & smell better. The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. That San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; Diamonds - Julius Caesar
Down At The Tattoo Parlor Things you don't want to hear at a tattoo parlor: "Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE." "We're all out of red, so I used pink." "There are 2 O's in Bob, right?" "Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy." "That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie." "Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups." "Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here." "I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before." "The flag's all done and, you know what - the folds of fat make a nice waving effect." "Oh-Ooooooops!"
Ten Again A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday? " She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park--the Death Slide,The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was,she had a go. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonalds they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a theater to see Star Wars--more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."
A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery. "You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away." The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes,whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?" "What's the difference?" asked the jeweler. "Well," said the sergeant, " an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears." "Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweler. "He had a stocking over his head."
It was the end of the day when a cop parked his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner was barking and he saw a little boy staring in at him. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," he replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please." The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning. We're out of chocolate," "In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream." "You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate." "Then just give me some chocolate," he says. Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?" The man says, "V-A-N." "Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry." "OK. S-T-R-A-W." "Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate." The man hesitates. Then he says. "There is no stink in chocolate." "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.
" A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant - first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
How to Eat like a Kid Always eat the dessert first. Never save any room for vegetables.
Approach anything green with extreme caution, except green ice cream, green jelly beans, green gum drops, etc. Scatter peas all over the plate, and crush them with your fork. Spread them on the plate like butter. They will eventually dry out; you can almost make them disappear, except for a green stain.
If your hamburger or hotdog has ketchup, say you wanted mustard. If it has mustard, say you wanted ketchup.
Put a hole in your mashed potatos and fill it with gravy in the normal way. Then, widen the hole fill it with more gravy. Keep widening it until you have a large pool of gravy held by a thin wall of mashed potatos. Keep going as far as possible until the wall breaks, dramatically flooding the rest of your plate.
Build a pyramid of tator tots.
Never accept more than your fair proportion of vegetables. For example, you should never accept more beans than your older brother. Count the beans, and if you have one more than he does, insist that you are being treated unfairly. Of course, always demand that you get at least the same amount of dessert that he does, if not more.
Why is Christmas like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
OK! That's a Wrap. See ya next week! I hope you enjoyed this communication and can attend one or more of the sessions scheduled for this week.