SENIOR NET NEWSLETTER 12/17/2000
AS PAUL HARVEY WOULD SAY, "SO NOW YOU KNOW THE REST OF THE STORY...GOOD DAY!!"
THIS WEEK'S SCHEDULE:
Tuesday 12/12/00 @9:00 AM Tuesday morning Newbies (sixth of six sessions) This is a very basic course in computer techniques for the internet. There is a $12.00 per course charge for this class. Class size is limited so participants should pre register. Skills taught in the beginner classes include mouse techniques like drag and drop, plus very beginner basics for email and browsing the Web. Dave Winkelman provides the leadership for this class. It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it is very difficult to retain information without practice. You really would not try to learn to play the piano with out actual keyboard time.
Wednesday 12/13/00 @9:00 AM Wednesday morning group of Senior Net Learners: This is an advanced group and we cover a lot of territory. We are kind of free flowing. You never know what will transpire. We will continue addressing Q&A from the group. This week we will probably take another whack at Netscape 6. Maybe we will get it right this time. I hope to get Power Point on the teach machine so that we can explore those nifty slide shows. New participants are always welcome. It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it sure helps with the learning curve. Usually, Mike Foust, and anyone else who wants to jump into the fray, provide the leadership for this session. Intermediate computer knowledge and Intermediate computer skills are necessary. FLASH, FLASH, There will be no Advanced Class on Wednesday December 27, 2000.
The Beginner Group Course Content The first session is a demonstration of the various parts of the computer. We actually take a computer apart and show the various components. We describe the computer memory, mother, sound and video boards, hardware, software, connections, periphreals, keyboards, mice, speakers, modems, etc. Students do hands on in all six sessions starting with turning the blasted beast on. We learn about the desktop and mouse control. Following lessons get into the internet and how to use the browsers to find information. We learn about Web and email addresses, domains, sending and recieving mail, forwarding and replying to email, bookmarks, address books, and a touch of Hyper text Markup Language (HTML). There is alwayts time for questions and general exploration. The pace is what the student makes.
The Intermediate Group Course Content: We mess around with the desktop, rearrange icons, change backgrounds, create screen savers, learn to make shortcuts on the desktop, learn a bunch of ways to access the hard drive and discuss how our computers resemble a file cabinet in its organization. We learn a little bit about extensions like .gif, .wav, .mid, .txt, .doc, .jpeg, .exe, and dot de dot de dot... just to name a few. We discover what special programs are already installed on our computers to help us see these special extensions. We make folders and subfolders on the hard drive. We copy and paste files into these folders. We learn the difference between cut/paste and copy/paste. We learn how to copy/borrow graphic and midi files from the internet and save them to the new folders we make. Then we copy and paste files from floppies to the hard drive, we move files from the hard drive to a floppy disk. We take floppies home with graphics and midis on them to put on the hard drives to use with email. We investigate the difference between uninstall and delete for programs and files and when it is appropriate to do either. We learn how to do a "Thorough" Scandisk, Defrag. and Cleandisk. We become proficient with Bookmarks and Forwarding messages. The final week we will get into HTML in email. So look out because we will be terrorizing our friends with neat souped up emails. Yep!, we definitely learn enough to be verrrrry dangerous AND...WE HAVE FUN!!!.
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Never Get Lost Again With GPS Jesse Berst, Editorial Director ZDNet AnchorDesk We've all heard the joke about how men never ask for directions. They'd rather spend an extra hour driving around than ask the 7-11 cashier. If you know someone that stubborn, get them a GPS device. Today I'll tell you how GPS works, what devices are available today, and where the market is heading. GEE! NO...GPS Global Positioning Systems (GPS) satellites orbit the earth, transmitting signals to GPS receivers. The signals move at the speed of light and arrive at the receiver at slightly different times, because some satellites are farther away than others. The distance from the receiver to the satellites is determined by the time it takes for their signals to reach the receiver. When the receiver estimates the distance to at least four GPS satellites, it calculates its position. GPS devices pinpoint exactly where you are located in the world (give or take 10 meters). Originally developed by the Department of Defense, civilian GPS systems have taken over, now outnumbering military units ten-to-one. WHEREVER YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE GPS devices, like all consumer technology devices, have gotten smaller and cheaper. You can buy stand-alone GPS receivers, or general-purpose devices, with built-in GPS functionality. Here's where you can find GPS today: HandSpring Visor PDAs can accept an attachable GPS Springboard module. Casio's GPS Watch puts the GPS on your wrist, so there's one less device to carry for the avid backpacker. Magellan Map GPS is a stand-alone GPS handheld that lets you plot routes, and even lets you leave "digital breadcrumbs" when venturing into uncharted territory. Alpine's Navigation System for cars uses GPS to track and calculate your route while driving, and give you warnings as you approach turns and destinations. WHERE WE'RE HEADED-GPS technology is just now finding its way. Aside from safer traveling, GPS devices will be embedded in a host of new devices including: The FCC's E911 program mandates cell phone companies be able to locate their callers within 100 meters by 2001. Freeplay Energy is developing a human-powered GPS receiver. Digital Angel is working on a GPS device that can be implanted in a human body that transmits location and health information. Personally, I don't want to implant a GPS chip inside my body. But like any guy, I don't want to ask for directions either.
JUNK-MAIL DATE TRICKS A reader asked: "Since the change to the year 2000, I have received random e-mail by mass mailers, not individuals, which seem to have a good time and date, but Netscape shows them as 12/31/69 4:00 PM. Do you have any idea why this seems to happen randomly and on mass mailers?" This question raises the issue of the ethics of junk e-mailers (spammers). Many Internet companies lease or sell bulk lists of e-mail addresses to third-party companies, which then use the addresses to send mass junk e-mails (spam) that advertise anything from investment opportunities to discount inkjet cartridges to pornography. Because of loopholes in the communications laws governing spam, the mail usually comes from bogus accounts on nonexistent servers. You can't reply to tell the spammer to stop, and you can't really report these mystery servers to anyone. One of the many tricks spammers use is predating e-mails. By spoofing the date tag on an outgoing message, they play on the ignorance of an e-mail client. By default, most e-mail clients (Netscape Messenger included) present new messages organized by date and time. If a message arrives with a spoofed date tag that shows it was sent on the impossible date of 12/31/69, that message will show up first in your list of new incoming messages when you check your mail. Thus a spammer has the dubious advantage of being at the top of the list. I receive so much spam these days, I can usually count on having to delete the first two or three messages I get. This is a likely (slightly alarmist) reason for the strangely dated e-mails you receive. Possibly a simpler explanation is that in fact, the outgoing mailer's e-mail program has a Y2K bug that is giving messages the wrong time and date stamp. It could be as simple as that.
PUTTING A WEB PAGE ON YOUR TASKBAR by Mark Richardson If you have a Web page that you access constantly, such as a ticker with stock information, you can put a link to that page directly on your Taskbar so that it's visible whenever you connect to the Internet. Right-click your Taskbar and select Toolbars, New Toolbar. Type the complete Internet address into the box that appears, and click OK. A tiny version of the Web page appears on your Taskbar. WINDOWS INSIDER by Valerie Ryan AND THE WINNERS ARE....
Internet Corporation of Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN) ICANN met in November to create anywhere from 3 to 13 new domains. (Suggestions were submitted back in October.) They selected seven new top-level domain names: .biz for businesses .info for general use .name for individuals .pro for professionals .museum for museums .coop for business cooperatives .aero for the aviation industry The question then becomes, when can names be registered within the new domains? According to ICANN President Mike Roberts, it could take some time -- implementation is in the hands of the companies that will control the new domains.
NETSCAPE AND THE QUICKLAUNCH TOOLBAR by Paul Dmytrewycz Windows 98 includes a feature called the Quicklaunch toolbar. Many users know it as the small section of the main toolbar (at the bottom of your screen) that has a few important icons for major applications. You can also use it as a separate toolbar, placing it on any edge of your screen as an independent set of Quicklaunch programs. Adding an icon for Netscape to this toolbar is easy. Right-click your desktop anywhere and select New, Shortcut. In the New Shortcut Wizard, browse for Netscape.exe. It's usually located in the default path of c:\program files\netscape\communicator\program\netscape.exe. Click Next, give your shortcut a name, and click Finish. You'll have a new shortcut to Netscape on your desktop. Now simply drag it to the Quicklaunch toolbar. This places a copy of the shortcut on the Toolbar. (You'll need to delete the original shortcut from your desktop if you don't want it there as well.) You now have single-click access to Netscape in your Quicklaunch toolbar. (How do you pronounce that name???)
PRINTING A SELECTION I think we discussed this very question in the advanced class this past wednesday. The answer sounds simple and relies on the print manager to solve the problem instead of the browser. The question was "I sometimes need to print a web page to get a hard copy of its contents. I often end up printing a full page or even more just to get a print out of two or three paragraphs. Is there some way to get the browser to print only a paragraph? I tried selecting a paragraph before printing, but that didn't do anything." Select the text you want to print, then right-click it and choose Print. When the Print dialog box opens, select the radio button labeled 'Selection,' then click Print to continue. I hope this works for Peg Masden. By the way peg, thanks for the Santa story forward included in this week's Cuties.
PUTTING A RESTART SHORTCUT ON THE DESKTOP by Mark Richardson TAKE HEED! ONLY THE BOLD, BRAVE, OR DANGEROUS SHOULD TRY THIS. MAKE SURE YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THE ORIGINAL COMMAND LANGUAGE IS. If you restart your computer frequently, you can add an icon to your desktop that allows you to skip the cumbersome Start, Shut Down, Restart, OK procedure. First Cross your fingers Say a Prayer Print these directions Right-Click the desktop Click New Click Shortcut Click the Browse button Navigate to C:\Windows\Rundll.exe Click Open Write down the original command Add one space to the resulting command line, and then type user.exe ExitWindowsExec Click Next Give your shortcut a name (Restart should work) Click Finish. Viola!! Whenever you double-click your Restart icon, Windows will restart without your having to go to the Start menu. Please don't call me if restart fails.
GETTING EVEN from Bert Rice. This one is a beauty and it could work!! Here's the deal: Tired of getting all those Pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd Mortgages, and stuff like that from banks and credit card outfits. If the answer is, "Yes!". Read on. If "no," read on anyway, since most of us don't care for that stuff anyway. Well, most if not all of those letters come with a postage "PREPAID"envelope. So why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes! If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application back (TOTALLY BLANK)! Just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. Heck, you can send it back empty if you want. Keep 'em guessing that way. Let's turn this into a chain letter. Eventually, They will begin getting all their garbage back in the mail. Let's let them know what's its like to get junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it! Twice! Only in America! Send this to a friend or two or three.....or ten.....or twenty!!!!!
INTERESTING SITES: VINTAGE CALCULATORS For you baby boomers out there, here's a trip down memory lane. Remember when, years before the personal computer was a gleam in Steve Job's eye, the electronic calculator was first introduced. The calculators weren't the wafer thin variety we take for granted; in fact, they were kind of clunky, too big to fit in a pocket but somewhat belt-friendly and the perfect accessory for your favorite geek. Here's a site that collects them and even goes back to the bad old days of mechanical calculators. The site includes a collection of British calculators for you true aficionados. They were big, bulky, expensive, and kind of stupid, but they had character and that's what we love about them. http://www.vintagecalculators.com
Here is a place to go to just sit and think. I wish it was in my backyard. http://www.justsaywow.com/today2.htm
STUDY MALL StudyWeb searches through its list of 141,000 "research-quality" URLs for your keywords. The results are then categorized and reviewed. If you prefer, you can also just browse the categories. The clear advantage of this filtered potion of the World Wide Web is that you can probably place more trust in StudyWeb's recommended sites. They aren't just random pages created by anyone with access to a PC. That's a relief when you're planning to write a paper or answer test questions based on the info. http://www.studyweb.com/
NORTHERNLIGHT SEARCH ENGINE Northern Light has been picked by many, including Ken Condo, as the best search engine out there. http://northernlight.com/
THE QUACKATORIUM It's never a pleasant sensation, feeling your body being slowly propelled into the tiny opening of the MRI machine. But if you need to count your blessings, the Quackatorium offers a penetrating look at antique medical quackery and electrotherapy devices. Both fascinating and creepy, this retrospective into funky old technology includes the Radio Disease Killer, the Vitapulsar, and the Patho-Neuroclast. There are eye massagers, galvanic batteries, and medical (read torture) devices of all stripe. So jump up and volunteer for some extra x-rays, and remember, it could be a lot worse. http://www.radiantslab.com/quackmed/
THE PARABLE OF THE MONKEYS You'll never know when this information will be necessary. If a hen and a half can lay an egg in a half in a day in a half, how many days would it take a furry eyed chihuahua to pick the seeds out of twenty bell peppers using the keys from that hypothetical monkey's typewriter who is randomly striking out keys in order to type out the Complete Works of William Shakespeare. You've heard this one before. Theoretically, if you had an infinite number of monkeys, an infinite number of typewriters, and an infinite amount of time, the monkeys, purely by chance, would reproduce Shakespeare. This site devotes itself to the many different references to this theory. Going back to the original 1913 quote by Emile Borel (which is in French, so don't expect me to reproduce it here), the site follows the evolution of the idea through its many restatements and periodic misstatements, including The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and a Dilbert cartoon. Interested in where this bizarre idea comes from? Here's your site. http://www.research.att.com/~reeds/monkeys.html
EARTH CAM You don't have to wait to be famous, and you don't have to limit your notoriety to fifteen minutes. With Earthcam, you can have your own internationally broadcast television station right on the World Wide Web. You don't even have to do anything sexy (though that sort of thing helps ratings). Or maybe you're not the exhibitionist you thought you were. Maybe, like Chance Gardner, you just like to watch. There are literally hundreds of personal Web cams on display, everything from the family Dachsund to the New Jersey foliage. Take a look, it's educational, interesting and a few are titillating (so be forewarned), and best of all free. http://tv.earthcam.com
TASTINGS This one is for the sewers, sorry, I mean the connoisseurs in the crowd. Life used to be so simple. You'd go down to your local grocer, grab a box of White Zinfandel or a six-pack of Coors Light and quaff to your heart's content. But now that you're older and more highly evolved, you're not satisfied with the starter beverages anymore. What you need is a little guidance to help you make choices to match your lifestyle. Tastings offers an opportunity to learn about wine, beer, and spirits, including historical information, winery/brewery notes, and reviews of your favorite beverage. Learn who the best producers are and how to get in touch with them. Take a look at some ratings and tasting notes. Life doesn't get any easier, but it sure tastes better. http://www.tastings.com
DIDJA KNOW?: Coins attract $5 mln bid on Ebay What would you buy for $5 million? A dream house? A small country? How about 150 coins? That's what someone is ready to ante up for the Liberty Double Eagle Coin Collection which was being auctioned off on Ebay's new Ultimate Gift section. The section, launched last month, is loaded with rare and exotic gifts for the person who has everything. At last glance, after 23 bids, the coin collection was going for an exorbitant $5,000,301, which would be the highest priced item ever sold on Ebay There was a minimum reserve set for $5,250,000. Ebay spokeswoman Jennifer Chu said she wouldn't be surprised to see the reserve met near the end of the auction, as bidders who waited on the sidelines make their play for the rare coins. Chu said the most expensive item sold to date on EBay was a baseball card of Pittsburgh Pirates outfielder Honus Wagner, which sold for more than $1 million.
SAND TRAPS This one is for Bud. It seems to make perfect sense now, but why do golf courses have sand traps. Why not mud pits, for example? As we all know, the game of golf originated in Scotland. The courses were near the seacoast, usually the grazing grounds of wandering sheep. On windy days, the sheep would gather in depressions on the course to hide from the wind. Since it is often breezy on the coast, the sheep spent a good amount of time grazing in these depressions. Eventually, all that grazing resulted in a trap similar to the sand trap of today.
LIVING IN THE LIMELIGHT Living in the limelight means to be living in the public spotlight. Why? Limelight was a system of lighting invented in 1825 by a British army officer named Thomas Drummond. It was called limelight because the light was produced by burning a cylinder of lime (calcium oxide). As the lime was oxidized by the flame, it produced an intense light. Quite useful for a spotlight.
WHAT DOES SINTER KLAAS, THE SANTA CLAUS OF THE NETHERLANDS, RIDE WHEN HE DELIVERS GIFTS TO CHILDREN ON DECEMBER 5TH, ST. NICHOLAS'S EVE? He rides a white horse, and instead of the white-trimmed red suit that Santa wears, Sinter is decked out in a red cape.
HOW DID CHRISTMAS BECOME XMAS? X is the Greek letter "chi", the first letter of Christ's name written in Greek. It has been a symbol for Christ since the Middle Ages.
WHY IS ALUMINUM FOIL SHINY ON ONE SIDE AND DULL ON THE OTHER? Sheets of aluminum are pressed flat into foil by putting them between heavy rollers, two sheets at a time. The outside surfaces in direct contact with the polished rollers pick up a shine, while the inner surfaces, facing each other, are condemned to permanent dullness.
WHY ARE PORTRAITS ON COINS SHOWN IN PROFILE? The answer has to do with the way coins wear out. As a coin circulates it's the highest relief that wears down first. If the raised portrait on the "heads" side of the coin were straight-on, then the face's nose would vanish first followed immediately by the rest of the distinguishing marks on the face, leaving a blurry blank space. With the face in profile, it's usually the ear or side hairline that wears away first, leaving the rest of the face (and its distinctive profile) intact much longer.
Why do we call a sore muscle a charley horse? The interesting thing about this expression is that although its origins are British, its current usage is predominantly American. Its roots are in the 17th century, when Charles II began to provide jobs to disabled veterans. By the 18th century a slang word derived from their benefactor was applied to these workers: they were called charleys. In the early 19th century Charley was off to the races. Equine fanciers began to call horses that pulled up lame charley horses -- whether or not the steeds were veterans. It took Americans less than a hundred years to put Charley back on his two feet, and by the 1890s they were comparing a person with sore muscles to a charley horse. And that's the explanation. Anyone who says otherwise is just a compulsive neigh . . . uh, naysayer. Source: A BROWSER'S DICTIONARY by John Ciardi, A DICTIONARY OF AMERICANISMS ed. by Mitford M.
I WOULD NOT HAVE KNOWN EITHER Mathews The Museum of Modern Art in New York City once displayed a painting by Henri Matisse upside down for almost seven weeks before anyone noticed. Now here's the funny part: this particular painting was a realistic portrayal of a sailboat, not an abstract image, as you might suspect. They got it wrong because the painting included the boat's reflection in the water and whoever hung it mistook the reflection for the boat. How do you suppose they discovered their mistake? Did a pool of seawater collect on the floor underneath the painting? Source: JUST CURIOUS, JEEVES by Jack Mingo and Erin Barrett
WHY WERE PLAYING CARDS ISSUED TO BRITISH PILOTS IN WW II? Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII, because if the pilots were captured, the cards could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.
HOW ARE SEEDLESS GRAPES GROWN? The original seedless grape was a mutation or hybrid, which probably originated somewhere in the Middle East several thousand years ago. The species has been kept alive by taking cuttings from existing plants, and replanting them.
WHY DO WE READ FROM LEFT TO RIGHT? The early Greeks tried writing from right to left and left to right several times before settling into a system going from left to right. There is nothing inherent in the human brain or our visual system that requires that we read from left to right or top to bottom. Many languages have been written in different directions, and the brain is perfectly capable of adapting to symbols arranged in any order.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO HAVE 20/20 VISION? The numbers refer to how far away you have to be to read letters on a chart. The particular number 20 is a reference point, the distance a person with normal vision would have to be to read a line on an eye chart.
POPCORN The corn used for popping is a variety of Indian corn called Zea mays everta. This corn has a harder outer shell than other corns. As the corn is heated, the moisture in the grain is converted to steam, which causes a tremendous pressure to be exerted against the shell. The pop is caused when the pressure is allowed to build up until the kernel explodes with such force that it throws out its white pulpy insides.
QUOTES: Everything here, but the soul of man, is a passing shadow. The only enduring substance is within. -- William Henry Channing
"Everything's in the mind. That's where it all starts. Knowing what you want is the first step toward getting it." --Mae West
"Difficulties exist to be surmounted." --Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Luck is largely a matter of paying attention." --Susan M. Dodd
"To give and not to feel that one has given is the very best of all ways of giving." --Max Beerbohm
"Give, if thou can, an alms; if not, a sweet and gentle word." --Robert Herrick
"Real unselfishness consists in sharing the interests of others." --George Santayana
"I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude." --Henry David Thoreau
"This great misfortune -- to be incapable of solitude." --Jean De La Bruyere
THIS WEEK'S CUTIES: This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays..Thanks to John Laubscher. This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on September 7, 1999. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never Met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte après-ski. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the other side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peaking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. Rescue accomplished, they returned to the car although for the remainder of the trip home there wasn't much conversation and apparently, despite their "intimate encounter," the two did not see one another again. As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down...or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing...
Another contest winner story! Thanks to Jim Rockwell. Now that the Election 2000 debacle is over it's back to "Get Bill Time". President Clinton noticed a group of boys surrounding a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is a neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." Of course, the president was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the president was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog.
NEWS FLASH!! Also Jim Rockwell The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three wisemen and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem however, finding enough Asses to fill the stable.
Here are a bunch from Bud Casselberry Christmas shopping A husband was with his wife when she decided to buy something for their daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop. Inside, the husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk asked if she could help him. In a cocky manner, he asked, "Where are all the men's clothes?" In a demure voice the clerk replied, " All of these clothes are for men, sir."
Musical Instruments: My sister brought her daughter a really nice Spinet Piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked my sister how her daughter was doing. "Oh," she said, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet." "How come?" I asked. "Well," my sister answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing along."
Learning from experience A man and his his wife were playing golf one day at their local course,everything was running smoothly until the couple got to the 16th hole.The man had sliced his tee shot behind a little shelter whereas the lady had hit a beautiful drive straight down the fairway. The couple both studied the position of the man's ball and the woman realized that there was a way he could get the ball to the fringe of the green. She said "You could hit it through the back door and then through the front door." It would be hard but he was confiden he could do it. The man took out his 3 iron and whacked his ball which, to his shock, rebounded off the frame of the door came back and hit his wife on the forehead and killed her. Exactly a year later, at exactly the same hole the same man was playing a round of golf with his friend. He hit the exact same shot as a year ago. His friend said "You could hit it through the back door and then through the front door". The man replied "NO WAY! I played that shot last year and had to settle for a 5.
Who's the boss My wife and I get along just great, except that she's a "backseat driver"second to none. After years of putting up with her pestering, I finally decided I'd had enough and advised her that I would no longer drive with her in the car. Later that day, on my way home from doing some Christmas shopping at the mall, I heard my cell phone ring as I was merging onto a freeway. I quickly fumbled for the phone to answer the call. It was my wife calling. By chance, she had entered the freeway right behind me. "Honey," she said, "your turn signal is still on. And put on your lights; it's starting to rain."
Med Student's Observation While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?" "Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
A little fuel does not get you very far A foursome of men went out golfing.The first man teed up and took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented. He addressed the ball again but this time he passed just a little gas as he made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance. He said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?" One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"
Answering machine From Harold Pepperman Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection. To lie about why your child is absent. Press 1 To make excuses for why your child did not do his homework. Press 2 To complain about what we do Press 3 To cuss out staff members Press 4 To ask why you didn't get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you Press 5 If you want us to raise your child Press 6 If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone Press 7 To request another teacher for the third time this year Press 8 To complain about bus transportation Press 9 To complain about school lunches Press 0 If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, classwork, homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort or ability to cope! ---Hang up and have a nice day!!!
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
DID YOU EVER WONDER WHAT THEY ARE THINKING? From Linda Frye Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl." Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!" Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!" Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!" Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!" Cat: "Why are these people in my house?" Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"
Actual Bloopers from Church Bulletins From my sister Pat Hughes. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet may come forward and do so. Bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Special music will follow. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. The preacher will preach his final farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth With Joy." During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement on Saturday.
Finally A Santa Story! Thanks to Peg Masden forwarded from someone in the Famous Painting Class. I should have put this one in Didja Know. Once upon a time, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Clause told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when be began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said:"Where would you like me to put this tree fat man?" And that my friend , is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
OK! That's a Wrap. See ya next week! I hope you enjoyed this communication and can attend one or more of the sessions scheduled for this week.