The Pilgrims, who celebrated the first thanksgiving in America, were fleeing religious prosecution in their native England.  In 1609 a group of Pilgrims left England for the religious freedom in Holland where they lived and prospered.  After a few years their children were speaking Dutch and had become attached to the dutch way of life.  This worried the Pilgrims.  They considered the Dutch frivolous and their ideas a threat to their children's education and morality.  So they decided to leave Holland and travel to the New World.
Their trip was financed by a group of English investors, the Merchant Adventurers.  It was agreed that the Pilgrims would be given passage and supplies in exchange for their working for their backers for 7 years.  On Sept.  6, 1620 the Pilgrims set sail for the New World on a ship called the Mayflower.  They sailed from Plymouth, England and aboard were 44 Pilgrims, who called themselves the "Saints", and
66 others ,whom the Pilgrims called the "Strangers." The long trip was cold and damp and took 65 days.  Since there was the danger of fire on the wooden ship, the food had to be eaten cold.  Many passengers became sick and one person died by the time land was sighted on November 10th.  The long trip led to many disagreements between the "Saints"
and the "Strangers".  After land was sighted a meeting was held and an agreement was worked out, called the Mayflower Compact, which guaranteed equality and unified the two groups.  They joined together and named themselves the "Pilgrims."

Although they had first sighted land off Cape Cod they did not settle until they arrived at Plymouth, which had been named by Captain John Smith in 1614.  It was there that the Pilgrims decide to settle.  Plymouth offered an excellent harbor.  A large brook offered a resource for fish.  The Pilgrims biggest concern was attack by the local Native American Indians.  But the Patuxets were a peaceful group and did not prove to be a threat.

The first winter was devastating to the Pilgrims.  The cold, snow and sleet was exceptionally heavy, interfering with the workers as they tried to construct their settlement.  March brought warmer weather and the health of the Pilgrims improved, but many had died during the long winter.  Of the 110 Pilgrims and crew who left England, less that 50 survived the first winter.  On March 16, 1621 , what was to become an important event took place, an Indian brave walked into the Plymouth settlement.
The Pilgrims were frightened until the Indian called out "Welcome" (in English!).

His name was Samoset and he was an Abnaki Indian.  He had learned English from the captains of fishing boats that had sailed off the coast.  After staying the night Samoset left the next day.  He soon returned with another Indian named Squanto who spoke better English than Samoset.  Squanto told the Pilgrims of his voyages across the ocean and his visits to England and Spain.  It was in England where he had learned English.

Squanto's importance to the Pilgrims was enormous and it can be said that they would not have survived without his help.  It was Squanto who taught the Pilgrims how to tap the maple trees for sap.
He taught them which plants were poisonous and which had medicinal powers.  He taught them how to plant the Indian corn by heaping the earth into low mounds with several seeds and fish in each mound.  The decaying fish fertilized the corn.  He also taught them to plant other crops with the corn.  The harvest in October was very successful and the Pilgrims found themselves with enough food to put away for the winter.
There was corn, fruits and vegetables, fish to be packed in salt, and meat to be cured over smoky fires.

The Pilgrims had much to celebrate, they had built homes in the wilderness, they had raised enough crops to keep them alive during the long coming winter, they were at peace with their Indian neighbors.  They had beaten the odds and it was time to celebrate.  The Pilgrim Governor William Bradford proclaimed a day of thanksgiving to be shared by all the colonists and the neighboring Native Americans.  They invited Squanto and the other Indians to join them in their celebration.  Their chief, Massasoit, and 90 braves came to the celebration which lasted for 3 days.  They played games, ran races, marched and played drums.  The Indians demonstrated their skills with the bow and arrow and the Pilgrims demonstrated their musket skills.  Exactly when the festival took place is uncertain, but it is believed the celebration took place in mid-October.

The following year the Pilgrims harvest was not as bountiful, as they were still unused to growing the corn.  During the year they had also shared their stored food with newcomers and the Pilgrims ran short of food.

The 3rd year brought a spring and summer that was hot and dry with the crops dying in the fields.  Governor Bradford ordered a day of fasting and prayer, and it was soon thereafter that the rain came.
To celebrate - November 29th of that year was proclaimed a day of thanksgiving.  This date is believed to be the real true beginning of the present day Thanksgiving Day.  The custom of an annually celebrated thanksgiving, held after the harvest, continued through the years.  During the American Revolution (late 1770's) a day of national thanksgiving was suggested by the Continental Congress.

In 1817 New York State had adopted Thanksgiving Day as an annual custom.  By the middle of the 19th century many other states also celebrated a Thanksgiving Day.  In 1863 President Abraham Lincoln appointed a national day of thanksgiving.  Since then each president has issued a Thanksgiving Day proclamation, usually designating the fourth Thursday of each November as the holiday.
 

THIS WEEK'S SCHEDULE:
Monday 11/20/00
Monday evening Intermediates (third session of six sessions)
The cost is $12.00 for the six sessions.  Some topics to be addressed include: Basics of maneuvering about the
Windows Operating System, copy/paste,drag/drop, editing, saving to various drives, right mouse button options,
creating folders and files, uninstalling, deleting, advanced email and browser techniques involving bookmarks,
address books, forwarding messages, attachments, and HTML (Hyper Text Markup Language).
Dave Winkelman  provides the leadership for this class.  Beginner computer knowledge and beginner computer
skills are necessary. A ton of info is packed into the six sessions.
This course is designed for those who "think they know"  and especially for those who "want to know" more.

Tuesday 1121/00 @9:00 AM
Tuesday morning Newbies (second of six sessions)
This is a very basic course in computer techniques for the internet.  There is a $12.00 per course charge for this
class.  Class size is limited so participants should pre register.  Skills taught in the beginner classes include mouse
techniques like drag and drop, plus very beginner basics for email and browsing the Web.
Dave Winkelman provides the leadership for this class.
It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it is very difficult to retain information without
practice.  You really would not try to learn to play the piano with out actual keyboard time.

Wednesday 11/22/00 @9:00 AM
Wednesday morning group of Senior Net Learners:  .  This is an advanced group and we cover a lot of territory. We
are kind of free flowing.  You never know what will transpire.   We had a great session last week with  guest leader, Kerry
Clausen, who conducted a  session on the Sony Mavica cameras.    We want to cover faxing and reinstalling the Windows
Program this week.  Be there or be square.  We will continue addressing Q&A from the group.  New
participants are always welcome. It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it sure helps
with the learning curve.
Usually, Mike Foust, and anyone else who wants to jump into the fray, provide the leadership for this session.
Intermediate computer knowledge and Intermediate computer skills are necessary.

There will no classes on Thursday November 23.  We will be celebrating Thanksgiving.
Thursday 11/30/00 @ 9:00 AM
Thursday morning Intermediates (sixth session of six sessions)
Call KCnet to register.  The cost is $12.00 for the six sessions. Some topics to be addressed include: Basics of
maneuvering about the Windows Operating System, copy/paste, drag/drop, editing, saving to various drives, right
mouse button options, creating folders and files, uninstalling, deleting, advanced email and browser techniques
involving bookmarks, address books, forwarding messages, attachments, and HTML (Hyper Text Markup
Language).
Mike Foust provides the leadership for this class.  Beginner computer knowledge and beginner computer skills
are necessary.  A ton of info is packed into the six sessions.
This course is designed for those who "think they know"  and especially for those who "want to
know" more.

Thursday  11/30/00 @1:00 PM
Thursday Afternoon  Newbies (fifth session of six sessions)
This class  is a very basic course in computer techniques for the internet. There is a $12.00 per course charge for
this class.  Skills taught in the beginner classes include mouse techniques like drag and drop, plus very beginner
basics for email and browsing the Web.
Dave Winkleman provides the leadership for this class.
It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it is very difficult to retain information without
practice.  You really would not try to learn to play the piano with out actual keyboard time.

 The Intermediate Group Course Content:
We mess around with the desktop, rearrange icons, change backgrounds, create screen savers, learn to make
shortcuts on the desktop, learn a bunch of ways to access the hard drive and discuss how our computers resemble
a file cabinet in its organization.  We learn a little bit about extensions like .gif, .wav, .mid, .txt, .doc, .jpeg, .exe,
and dot de dot de dot...  just to name a few.  We discover what special programs are already installed on our
computers to help us see these special extensions.   We make folders and subfolders on the hard drive.  We copy
and paste files into these folders.  We learn the difference between cut/paste and copy/paste.  We learn how to
copy/borrow graphic and midi files from the internet and save them to the new folders we make.  Then we copy and
paste files from floppies to the hard drive, we move files from the hard drive to a floppy disk.  We take floppies
home with graphics and midis on them to put on the hard drives to use with email.  We investigate the difference
between uninstall and delete for programs and files and when it is appropriate to do either.  We learn how to do a
"Thorough" Scandisk, Defrag. and Cleandisk.   We become  proficient with Bookmarks and Forwarding
messages.  The final week we will get into HTML in email.  So look out because we will be terrorizing our friends
with neat souped up emails.  Yep!, we definitely learn enough to be verrrrry dangerous AND...WE HAVE
FUN!!!.

OTHER SESSIONS MEETING AT KCNET:
Web Page Creation
KCnet Education Coordinator/Technician will lead a class for Beginners in Web Page Creation.
This will be a two-session course, Wednesday November 22 and Wednesday November 29, 5-7 PM.
Dave will demonstrate how to create and edit a basic web page using a web page editor, the one in Netscape
Composer.
Students will sit at a computer and actually create a web page.
Seating is limited and advanced registration is required. There is a charge for the class.
Students are encouraged to bring ideas, photos, and/or business cards to scan or copy, as well as floppy disks totake their
work home.

MAC Users:
This is an ongoing (no start or finish date) group of  Apple Mac owners/users.  The group meets every 1st  Thursday each
month from 4:30-6:30.  Each session is $5.00.
Clair Falls is the group leader.

TECHNICALLY SPEAKING:

MOST TIPS ARE FROM TIPWORLD AND DUMMIES DAILY.

DOWNLOADING MICROSOFT REGCLEAN This one looks good.  Maybe we can take a look at it in class.  Remind me.
Many people have a steady stream of applications coming and going on their computer.
Maybe you like to check out the latest shareware and freeware programs, and then you uninstall them when their licenses run out.  If you're constantly installing and uninstalling applications, there's a chance that your Windows Registry is a bit bloated, the result of programs not performing their uninstall routines properly.  When programs fail to remove all their information from the Registry upon uninstall, the Registry file becomes cluttered with "dead" information, which can slow down access to it.  Microsoft makes a program that can look at your Registry and suggest ways to make it leaner.  You can get more information about RegClean and download it.
support.microsoft.com/support/kb/articles/Q147/7/69.asp

A QUICK WAY TO DISPLAY PROPERTIES
Normally, to view the properties of a particular file or folder, you right-click on it and choose Properties.  But if you're skilled in using your mouse and keyboard together, there's an even quicker way to get a look at those properties.  Just hold down the Alt key with your left hand as you use your right hand to open the file or folder with your mouse (use the left mouse button, as usual).  The Properties dialog box springs up, no matter what kind of icon you clicked on.

THE MESSENGER START PAGE  I have second thoughts about this one.  Only the experienced should attempt this and please, if you goof do not blame me.
A tip for the adventurous Netscape users out there.  We have been saying that you cannot get rid of the Netscape message when accessing Messenger (Netscape Mail)   Well there is a way.  While there is no readily available setting to disable it or change the URL, it can be done with a little elbow grease, as they say.  The process involves editing a file called prefs.js in your Netscape folder.  WARNING: Always back up any vital file before editing!  First, exit Communicator.  None of this will work if it is running while you perform these actions.  Using Windows Explorer, locate prefs.js in your user folder (usually under c:\program files\netscape\users\your profile name).  Right-click it and select Edit.  This will open the file in your default text editor.  To disable the ad start page altogether, add the following text on its own line in the file: user_pref("mailnews.start_page.enabled", false); Make absolutely sure the line appears EXACTLY like this (including punctuation), or you will cause Communicator to corrupt the file upon restart.  Save the changes and exit the editor.
Start Netscape, and Messenger should open with a completely blank window.  You also have the option of keeping the start page active, but changing the URL it displays.
To do this, exit Communicator, open the prefs.js file as before (after backing it up, of course).
But this time, add this text on its own line: user_pref("mailnews.start_page.url", "http://blah.blah.blah"); Replace "blah.blah.blah" with the URL of your choice, include all punctuation, and you're set!
Save the file and start Netscape.  Remember, if you add the line to disable the start page, you won't be able to make use of the second part of this tip.  Plan ahead.

WRAP THOSE LINES
A reader asks: "Is there a way to adjust the formatting of incoming mail?" You can't change the formatting of a message any more than you can improve the handwriting of someone who sends you a letter.  However, in Communicator, you can modify the way a message is presented to you.  Start Messenger and click Edit, Preferences.  Under the Mail & Newsgroups preferences, select Messages.  Check the box next to Wrap Incoming, Plain Text Messages To Window Width.  No matter what size the message window is on your screen, plain text messages will be formatted to fit inside.  However, messages containing fancy HTML code will retain their original formatting and may not fit into a nonmaximized window.

SEARCH ENGINE STUFF  "Near" Example.
NEAR is a way of being picky.  A search engine knows that when you search for: trees AND wasps, you want any page that contains the word trees and the word wasps, even if they are in completely unrelated sections that are thousands of words apart.  trees NEAR wasps you want only pages that contain both trees and wasps within 10-20 words of one another.  Specifying that proximity means the words are probably part of the same information, such as a discussion of the effects of wasps on trees.

ANOTHER SEARCH ENGINE TIP
Boolean Near Non Miss AND is a flexible Boolean operation.  When you search for A AND B, your list of results contains every page that contains both A and B, no matter where those As and Bs appear within the pages.  The Boolean NEAR is pickier.  It insists that the words be, well, near each other.  That proximity should mean that they have more to do with one another, rather than being just coincidentally contained somewhere within a massive Web page.  Most Web search sites default to a NEAR distance of 10 or 20 words.

INTERESTING SITES:
BACK TO DIGITAL CAMERAS AND TECHNIQUES
It is appropriate to thank Kerry Clausen for his excellent presentation on the Sony Mavica Camera for the Senior Advanced Class two weeks ago.  Click Here to viewa photo taken during the class.  By the way Kerry had two successes last Wednesday, he also passed his driver test on the first go at it.  If he drives a car the way he operates the camera  he should be an expert.  Thanks again Kerry.
The following site was recommended by Skip Frye.  Skip is no slouch with a camera.  Neither is Linda because I've seen some of her work capturing Skip's artful technique of  playing a mean dry fly into a placid pool on a sunrise flooded fresh water stream.
www.imaging-resource.com/ARTS/HOWBIG/HOWBIG.HTM

KEEPING THE GRINCH AT BAY By Robin Garr
As the holiday season nears, we're looking at another record season of online marketing and buying.  Most of those transactions will be safe and sound, leaving both e-tailer and e-consumer happy.  But whenever money changes hands, there's potential for fraud, and this is certainly true in the wild, international anarchy of the Net.  If you're thinking about doing your holiday shopping on the Web -- and there's certainly no reason not to do so -- you might want to bookmark the extensive sites of the National Fraud Information Center (NFIC) and its parent organization, the National Consumers League (NCL).  There's a wealth of information about old-fashioned telemarketing fraud on NCL's site, www.fraud.org.  To keep up with the latest and hottest news about Internet fraud, though, I suggest checking its Internet Fraud Watch pages,  Here you'll find a wealth of facts and stats, some of them gee-whiz in nature ("Consumers lost over $3.2 million to Internet fraud last year...a 38 percent increase in Internet fraud complaints in 1999 coupled with an average consumer loss of as much as $580").  Internet tips offer sound advice to consumers of all ages, some of them seemingly obvious but worth repeating: "Do business with companies you know and trust, understand the offer, check out the company's track record, be careful to whom you give your financial or other personal information, and take your time to decide." Internet Fraud Watch also publishes periodic alerts when a new scam hits the Net.
www.fraud.org/internet/intset.htm
Consumers can also call its national telephone hotline to ask questions and report fraud:
1-800-876-7060.

SEEING STARS
There's nothing more annoying than traveling to Los Angeles to see the sites and not encountering any Hollywood stars.  Don't leave these important encounters to chance.  At seeing-stars.com, you can match the stars you love to the places they haunt.  Find out where they live, what bars they frequent, what restaurants they own, even where they go to church.
The handy link to the Yahoo Maps site will provide all the directions you need.  If you're old school and your favorite stars are no longer with us, find out where they're buried, or check out a photo of the grave.  Some might call it stalking, but we call it tourism.  It's your vacation, don't let it go to waste!
www.seeing-stars.com/

DIRECT CASKET
I know this looks gruesome.  In fact I could not believe this topic could be handled on the net.  However, I was surprised about the wealth of information available and the presentation of our rights and options is very interesting.  Trust me on this it is worth investigation.
Hoping to avoid the high-pressure sales tactics and outrageous prices at your local funeral home?  Well, relief is just a mouse-click away at Direct Casket.  It's only been since 1994 that laws granted consumers the right to buy caskets from companies other than funeral homes, and Direct Casket has been meeting that need ever since--for about half the price.  After you peruse the news links to learn what Modern Maturity is saying about "cut-rate caskets," go straight to the online showroom.  Whether you choose from a wooden or metal model, the Primrose or the Pieta, you will save like a bandit.  Finally, an e-commerce site that everyone can use....  eventually.
www.directcasket.com/

SPACE JOBS 
I know you are not interested in a new career challenge.  I whooped this one here because you might have decided to purchase from the preceding site and you might want to use it with Celestis (introduced in this site).
The final frontier is closer than you think and rather than live vicariously through reruns on the Sci-Fi Channel, why not find employment where the action is.  Your choices include sensible opportunities with a number of aerospace firms, the Jet Propulsion Lab, or one of several private satellite launching firms trying to get off the ground.  If sensible doesn't do it for you.
there's always Celestis, which offers burial on the moon.  Even if you aren't looking for a job on the final frontier, the site offers technology news and other efforts to make space more accessible.
www.spacejobs.com
www.celestis.com

A STEAL OF A DEAL Another Robin Garr
Just when you think you have seen it all here comes another off the wall idea.
Here's a tricky moral question: What do you think about a Web site that makes it possible for burglars--anonymously--to sell stolen goods back to their victims?  TheBurglar.com has raised public criticism--and some head-shaking from law-enforcement authorities--by providing a free, anonymous service that allows both victims of burglaries and individuals who, um, "find" stolen property to file queries about the swag, er, "items which could be recorded as stolen." If you report a "found" item and someone else has reported it missing, TheBurglar.com brokers a reward for return of the missing property.  "This certainly seems to be breaking some laws in this country by selling openly acknowledged stolen goods," a British police spokesman told The Daily Telegraph.  "However, the issue is not so clear-cut since it involves the Internet," The Telegraph reported.
"...the NCIS (National Criminal Intelligence Service) says that the problem with Internet crime is that it can be committed in one country, broadcasting the site in a second country and the victim could be in a third.  All the laws will be different, so actually working out which ones have been broken is a bit of a headache." Currently operating in the United States, the UK, and Denmark, TheBurglar.com plans to expand throughout Europe.
http://TheBurglar.com

A WHOLE BUNCH OF THANKSGIVING SITES In other words everything you need for a Thanksgiving study including graphics, midis, history, recipes, songs, etc.
rats2u.com/thanksgiving/thanksgiving_index.htm
www.historychannel.com/cgi-bin/framed.cgi
www.night.net/thanksgiving/food.html-ssi
www.thanksgiving.org/2us.html
www.butterball.com/Butterball.cfm
donna1964.tripod.com/thanks.htm
members.tripod.com/~courtemanche/thanksgiving/
www.annieshomepage.com/thanksgivinglinks.html
www.all-mart.com/thanksgiving.htm
www.historychannel.com/exhibits/thanksgiving/thnkintv.html

DIDJA  KNOW?:
ANCIENT BUGS
There are some pretty ancient bug species in this world.  The cockroach and the dragonfly tend to battle it out for the honor of being considered the oldest.  Which is older?  The dragonfly comes in at about 320 million years, while the cockroach is but only 280 million years old.  More on dragonflies: We love those buggers, as they eat mosquitoes.  With its massive eyes, a dragonfly can spot another insect from 60 feet away!
 

How is "plastic" used in plastic surgery?
It isn't – unless you're counting silicone, the plastic-like implant that some women have used to make themselves, shall we say, more forward-looking.  The term plastic surgery derives from the ancient Greek word plastikos, which meant to shape and mold.  A plastic surgeon does exactly that, nudging noses back onto the straight and narrow, tucking tummies and diverting deviating derrieres.  It's too bad plastic surgery can't also be used on personalities.  I'm thinking of people who never stop smiling and saying, "have a nice day," "I feel terrific," and "that's terrific," even at funerals.  What could be more plastic?  Who has a greater need to be bent back into shape?  Just a thought.

Why can we see through glass?
Because solid though it may seem, glass is really a viscous liquid.  I'll pause a moment while that crosses your synapses and bounces among your neurons.  Mind you that's a viscous, not vicious liquid such as a mix of vodka and champagne.  A viscous liquid stiffens when cooled, but never becomes completely solid.  Unlike solids, in which the atoms arrange themselves in a rigid, crystalline molecular structure, glass atoms just hang out, helter-skelter-like.  Light can squeeze between them.  The molecular make-up of glass, unlike that of ordinary solids, such as wood, also keeps it from absorbing visible light.  Its structure also prevents the loss of light through internal reflections, characteristic of a solid.  Only glass' outer surface reflects light, which makes it considerably more useful than, say, silver or tin for eyeglass lenses.

WHAT IS THE WORLD'S DEADLIEST MUSHROOM?
It is Amanita phalloides, the death cap or death cup.  Eating this mushroom, which contains five different poisons, causes diarrhea and vomiting within 6 to 12 hours.  This is followed by damage to the liver, kidneys and central nervous system - and, in the majority of cases, coma and death.

HOW LONG DID THE PONY EXPRESS LAST?
The system of mail delivery by horse-and-rider relays lasted only 18 months, from April 1860 to October 1861.  It connected Saint Joseph, Missouri, with Sacramento, California - a
distance of 1,800 miles.  The completion of the transcontinental telegraph system brought the Pony Express to an end.

WHEN WAS THE CHAIR DEVELOPED?
It dates from the third and sixth dynasties of Egypt (c.  2686-2181 B.C.).  These early chairs often had legs shaped like animal limbs.

WHO WROTE "MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB"?
One of the oldest and most influential American magazine editors, Sarah Joespha Hale - in 1830.  In addition to founding the first national women's magazine, Godey's Ladies' Magazine, and successfully campaigning to make Thanksgiving a national holiday, she was inspired to write the rhyme by an actual case of a child's being followed to school by a pet lamb.

IS THE OLDEST LIGHTHOUSE STILL IN USE?
The Tower of Hercules, outside La Coruna, Spain.  The 185-foot tall working lighthouse dates from the reign of the Roman emperor Trajan, A.D.  98-117.

DID ESKIMOS EVER LIVE IN IGLOOS?
Yes.  Canadian Eskimos used igloos as temporary winter homes or camp dwellings.  Igloos were usually made of blocks of hard-packed snow, but sometimes of sod, stone, or wood.  Most Eskimos now live in more modern dwellings, but igloos can still be found in the area between the Mackenzie River delta and Labrador.

WHO CAME UP WITH THE TERM BLACK HOLE AND WHAT IS IT?
Twentieth-century American physicist John Archibald Wheeler (b.  1911) coined the term to describe a collapsed star whose gravitational field is so intense that not even light can escape from it.

WHAT WAS THE FIRST INSTANT COFFEE?
Nescafe, developed by the Nestle Company and introduced in Switzerland in 1938.  It had taken eight years to develop.

FAST FACTS:
Disney World in Orlando, FL has only been closed one day since it opened in 1971 and that was due to a hurricane in
1999.  Even on that day, there was still a two hour wait for most rides.

In August of 1920, the first airplane to fly from New York to Alaska arrived in Nome.  It was a sign of things to come when their luggage was diverted to Omaha.
Source: USELESS DIGEST
 

QUOTES:
"I went to see my doctor.  I asked 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up;  What's wrong with me?'
He said ... 'I don't know but your eyesight is perfect'."
     -- Rodney Dangerfield

"A politician thinks of the next election -- a statesman, of the next generation."
     -- James Freeman Clarke

It is an inevitable defect, that bureaucrats will care more for routine than for results.
     --Walter Bagehot (1867)

"When everything has to be right, something isn't."
     --Stanislaw Lec

"The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us."
     --Voltaire

"Nothing in business is so valuable as time."
      --John H. Patterson
 
"Jealousy is all the fun you think they had."
     --Erica Jong

"As a moth gnaws a garment, so doth envy consume a man."
     --St. John Chrysostom

"To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is, a dissatisfaction with self."
      --Joan Didion

"Learning is not compulsory... neither is survival."
     -- W. Edwards Deming
 

Will the real Vice President please stand up.
During the eight years he served as Eisenhower's vice president, Richard Nixon had many reminders of the esteem accorded to people in his position.  Once, the Nixons were staying at a hotel in Chicago when a fire alarm went off in the middle of the night.
Hundreds of guests, including Dick and Pat Nixon, were herded into the lobby.  Once Nixon realized that it was a false alarm, he and his wife headed for the elevator.
"Just a minute," said the hotel's security chief.  "Everyone stays in the lobby until we get the all clear."
"I'm the vice president," Nixon said.
"Oh," the security chief said.  "Sorry.  Go right ahead."
Nixon pressed the elevator button, and the security chief had second thoughts.  "Vice president?" he said.  "Of what?"
"Of the United States," Nixon answered.
"Get back out here," the security chief said.  "I thought you were a vice president of the hotel."

Sunday bouncers.
Six year old Mary and her four year old brother Joey were sitting together in church.  Joey giggled, sang, and talked out loud.  Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church," she hissed at Joey.
"Why?  Who's going to stop me?" Joey shot back.
Mary pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?" Joey nodded.
"They're hushers."

A one and a two and...
The doctor handed her overweight patient a bottle of pills.  "Don't take these pills," she said.  "Spill them on the floor three times a day and pick them up one by one."

If all else fails -read the label.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
1. On Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."

2. On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

3. On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestions: Defrost."
(But it's *just* a suggestion)

5. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

6. On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."

7. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

8. On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

9. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:
"Do not use on food."

10. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste:
"If swallowed contact poison control."

Lucky Priest
A young priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska.
After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.
The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day.
With that the priest asked the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"
The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice."
The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

Thanks to Bert Rice.
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music.  No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.  He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.  Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!  Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.  By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.  This time it is the Seventh Symphony,but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.  Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.  When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.  The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.  By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave.  They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.  Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.  Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.  "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously, "He's decomposing!"

From Bud Casselberry.
The blonde walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever read.  There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!" The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."

Another Blonde joke from Ken Condo this time.
Subject: WHY GOD LOVES BLONDES A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble.  Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits.  She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.  She begins to pray..."God, please help me.  I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.  Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and she does not win.
Brandi again prays...  "God, please let me win the lotto!  I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car."
Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again, she pray's...  " Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me??
I've lost my business, my house, my car.  My children are starving.  I don't often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you.
PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself...
"Brandi, work with me on this.  Buy a ticket."

OK! That's a Wrap.  See ya next week!
I hope you enjoyed this communication and can attend one or more of the sessions scheduled for
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