I received this email from Gordon Stephens. It has been circulated a lot. I usually do not pass this type of information on unless I have done research to confirm accuracy. Well I have not had the opportunity to do the research but the topic and the information in the mailing seem too timely to disregard. So I'm passing it on and welcome rebuttal if you find the information tainted or inaccurate. Gun control figures from Australia. The first year results are now in: It has now been 12 months since gun owners in Australia were forced by new law to surrender 640,381 personal firearms to be destroyed by our own government, a program costing Australia taxpayers more than $500 million dollars. *Australia-wide, homicides are up 3.2 percent. *Australia-wide, assaults are up 8.6 percent. *Australia-wide, armed robberies are up 44 percent (yes, 44 percent!) *In the state of Victoria alone, homicides with firearms are now up 300 percent. (Note that while the law-abiding citizens turned guns in, the criminals did not and criminals still possess their guns! *While figures over the previous 25 years showed a steady decrease in armed robbery with firearms, this has changed drastically upward in the past 12 months, since the criminals now are guaranteed that their prey is unarmed. *There has also been a dramatic increase in break-ins and assaults of the elderly. *Australian politicians are at a loss to explain how public safety has decreased, after such monumental effort and expense was expended in successfully ridding Australian society of guns. *You won't see this data on the American evening news or hear your governor or members of the state Assembly disseminating this information. *The Australian experience proves it. Guns in the hands of honest citizens save lives and property and yes, gun-control laws affect only the law-abiding citizens.
THIS WEEK'S SCHEDULE: Monday evening Intermediates (third session of six sessions) The next Monday evening class starts 11/6/00. The cost is $12.00 for the six sessions. Some topics to be addressed include: Basics of maneuvering about the Windows Operating System, copy/paste,drag/drop, editing, saving to various drives, right mouse button options, creating folders and files, uninstalling, deleting, advanced email and browser techniques involving bookmarks, address books, forwarding messages, attachments, and HTML (Hyper Text Markup Language). Dave Winkelman provides the leadership for this class. Beginner computer knowledge and beginner computer skills are necessary. A ton of info is packed into the six sessions. This course is designed for those who "think they know" and especially for those who "want to know" more.
Tuesday 9/26/00 @9:00 AM Tuesday morning Newbies ( third of six sessions) The nest Tuesday morning Newbies will be 11/14/00. This is a very basic course in computer techniques for the internet. There is a $12.00 per course charge for this class. Class size is limited so participants should pre register. Skills taught in the beginner classes include mouse techniques like drag and drop, plus very beginner basics for email and browsing the Web. Dave Winkelman provides the leadership for this class. It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it is very difficult to retain information without practice. You really would not try to learn to play the piano with out actual keyboard time.
Tuesday 9/26/00 @5:00 PM Tuesday Evening Newbies (fifth session of six sessions) This class is full and is a very basic course in computer techniques for the internet. The next Tuesday afternoon class will start October 31, 2000 from 3:00-5:00 There is a $12.00 per course charge for this class. Class size is limited so participants should pre register. Skills taught in the beginner classes include mouse techniques like drag and drop, plus very beginner basics for email and browsing the Web. Dave Winkleman provides the leadership for this class. It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it is very difficult to retain information without practice. You really would not try to learn to play the piano with out actual keyboard time.
Wednesday 9/27/00 @9:00 AM Wednesday morning group of Senior Net Learners: . This is an advanced group and we cover a lot of territory. We are kind of free flowing. You never know what will transpire. We will continue addressing Q&A from the group. New participants are always welcome. It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it sure helps with the learning curve. Usually, Mike Foust, and anyone else who wants to jump into the fray, provide the leadership for this session. However Dave Winkelman will be your group leader for the next two weeks. He will explore the Internet Explorer for you along with some other surprise topics. I hope Sue Foust will do a session on faxing using your modem faxing program. Intermediate computer knowledge and Intermediate computer skills are necessary.
Thursday 10/12/00 @ 9:00 AM Thursday morning Intermediates (first session of six sessions) Call KCnet to register. The cost is $12.00 for the six sessions. Some topics to be addressed include: Basics of maneuvering about the Windows Operating System, copy/paste, drag/drop, editing, saving to various drives, right mouse button options, creating folders and files, uninstalling, deleting, advanced email and browser techniques involving bookmarks, address books, forwarding messages, attachments, and HTML (Hyper Text Markup Language). Mike Foust provides the leadership for this class. Beginner computer knowledge and beginner computer skills are necessary. A ton of info is packed into the six sessions. This course is designed for those who "think they know" and especially for those who "want to know" more.
Thursday 9/28/00 @1:00 PM Tuesday Afternoon Newbies (fourth session of six sessions) The next Thursday afternoon Newbies will be 10/26/00. This class is a very basic course in computer techniques for the internet. There is a $12.00 per course charge for this class. Class size is limited so participants should pre register. Skills taught in the beginner classes include mouse techniques like drag and drop, plus very beginner basics for email and browsing the Web. Dave Winkleman provides the leadership for this class. It is not necessary for attendees to have their own computers but it is very difficult to retain information without practice. You really would not try to learn to play the piano with out actual keyboard time.
The Intermediate Group Course Content: We mess around with the desktop, rearrange icons, change backgrounds, create screen savers, learn to make shortcuts on the desktop, learn a bunch of ways to access the hard drive and discuss how our computers resemble a file cabinet in its organization. We learn a little bit about extensions like .gif, .wav, .mid, .txt, .doc, .jpeg, .exe, and dot de dot de dot... just to name a few. We discover what special programs are already installed on our computers to help us see these special extensions. We make folders and subfolders on the hard drive. We copy and paste files into these folders. We learn the difference between cut/paste and copy/paste. We learn how to copy/borrow graphic and midi files from the internet and save them to the new folders we make. Then we copy and paste files from floppies to the hard drive, we move files from the hard drive to a floppy disk. We take floppies home with graphics and midis on them to put on the hard drives to use with email. We investigate the difference between uninstall and delete for programs and files and when it is appropriate to do either. We learn how to do a "Thorough" Scandisk, Defrag. and Cleandisk. We become proficient with Bookmarks and Forwarding messages. The final week we will get into HTML in email. So look out because we will be terrorizing our friends with neat souped up emails. Yep!, we definitely learn enough to be verrrrry dangerous AND...WE HAVE FUN!!!.
OTHER SESSIONS MEETING AT KCNET: MAC Users: This is an ongoing (no start or finish date) group of Apple Mac owners/users. The group meets every 1st Thursday each month from 4:30-6:30. Each session is $5.00. The next session is August 10, 2000. Clair Falls is the group leader.
Genealogy: This is a four session program costing $20.00 for all the sessions. Sessions are every Thursdays in October from 6:00-8:00. Dave Wallace is the instructor. Class size is limited so please pre register.
Please Call Dave Winkelman at KCnet, 893-8111, with suggestions for other computer interest courses.
TECHNICALLY SPEAKING: ALL BUT ONE FROM TIPWORLD, guess which one. BORING BACKGROUNDS A reader asks: "I use Messenger to write e-mail. The backgrounds are really boring. Is there a way to get background images for Netscape Messenger?" For Messenger itself, no, I'm afraid not. However, you can add background images to your outgoing messages if you like. First make sure you are set up to use HTML formatting in your e-mail messages. Click Edit, Preferences and select Formatting under Mail & Newsgroups. Make sure Use The HTML Editor To Compose Messages is selected. Click OK to save your changes. Start a new message (Ctrl-M). To add a background image to your message, click Format, Page Colors And Properties. In the Page Properties window, check Use Image in the Background Image area and click Choose File to locate the image on your hard drive. Click OK to make the changes stick. Two things to bear in mind: One, Messenger defaults to black text, so if you use a dark image as your background, you will have to choose lighter text color (you can also do this under Page Colors And Properties). Two, not everyone uses an HTML capable e-mail reader, and your message may show up without any formatting or as HTML code (making it difficult to read). Make sure your recipient's reader can handle HTML. Users of Netscape Messenger and Microsoft Outlook shouldn't have a problem.
AGENT -0700 -- Revisited but the sites are interesting. On your Netscape mail headers, do you see a mysterious number in the Date line? Say, -0700 or maybe -0400? Ever wonder what it means? It indicates what time zone you're in, represented as an offset of Greenwich Mean Time (GMT) or Coordinated Universal Time (UTC). Working with your system clock, Netscape Navigator indicates your time zone in mail headers and even makes adjustments to account for Daylight Savings Time. Universal Time http://www.treasure-troves.com/astro/UniversalTime.html Local Times Around the World http://www.hilink.com.au/times/
CHECK THE OIL. You've worked your way through the site and are getting ready to grab that 15 Mb program you've been waiting to try. Then one more menu pops up, inviting you to choose among a variety of "mirror" sites for your download. What do you do? Go for the one closest to your home, in the obvious (but probably incorrect) assumption that the nearest site will give you the fastest service? Or, perhaps more prudently, you check the time of day and hit the site located in a time zone where it's the wee hours of the night, figuring it might be quicker because its server load is less. Or you can go get Dipstick, a freeware program that will check a site's response time and report back to you. Version 2.52 is at http://www.klever.com/kin/dipstick.html Dipstick is a quick download (657K with the needed MFC4.2 program, 227K without it), and it installs fairly easily. (Note, however, that several of the download links on www.klever.com aren't working, so you'll have to choose the compressed version, requiring you to un-ZIP the executable file, then run it from Windows' RUN command to install it on your computer.) Once it's up and running, Dipstick needs no configuration. Go to any site offering several download options (Klever.com's own home page, for instance), and simply drag the URL you want to check from your browser window to Dipstick's small green square. Wait a few seconds while it checks the target site's response time, then try it for the next. A quick test of six sites in California, Kansas, and Germany found response ranging from 110 to 336 milliseconds. That isn't long in any case, but if I were undertaking a long download with a slow connection, I'd certainly put my money on the 110.
PURCHASING ON THE INTERNET Here is a question from reader Laura W.: "So far, I have avoided making any purchases over the Internet. I'm afraid someone will get my credit card number and use it. What I do is locate what I need on the Internet and then call that company with my order. Am I being too cautious?" We hear a lot about the dangers of the Internet, and much of what we hear is certainly possible. One person who lost $1000 on the Internet makes a better news story than the 50 million people who had no problems. When you order from a company you know is legitimate, and you are placing the order on a secure Web page (as is the case when you're dealing with any reputable company), you're not in much danger. There is always the possibility that an employee of the company you're dealing with will misuse your credit card number, but this is just as likely when you give your card number over the phone. In fact, even when you use your card in person, a dishonest employee can cheat you. For years, people have been victims of double-carding (making an extra copy of a blank receipt, which the employee can fill in later). Most Internet companies tell you you'll be placing your order on a secure page. If you do NOT get this notice, proceed with caution--or don't proceed at all. Also be wary of any company that doesn't publish an address and phone number. By the way, a number of people have been fleeced because they sent their credit card numbers to someone by e-mail. We have even seen credit card numbers posted in news groups. As Damon Runyon said, "This is a real sucker."
SEARCHING IN A FOLDER BY RIGHT-CLICKING If you're looking for a file and you're certain it's in a specific folder, you can always tell Windows to search in that folder by selecting it from the Look In field in the Find dialog box (open Find by pressing Windows key-F). An even quicker way to look for a file in a specific folder is to right-click the folder and select Find from the pop-up menu. This launches the Find command with the folder you clicked already loaded into the Look In field.
CREATING A PRINTER SHORTCUT If you frequently print documents from your desktop, the easiest way to expedite the process is to create a desktop shortcut to your printer. This way, whenever you want to print something, you can just drag and drop the document to the printer icon, without having to open it. To create a desktop shortcut for your printer, go to Start, Settings, Printers. Right-click the icon of your default printer and choose Create Shortcut. Windows will tell you that the shortcut has to go on the desktop (which is where you want it anyway), so click OK. The next time you have something that you need to print, just drag it and drop it on your new icon.
THE TECHNICAL WAY TO TELL THE WEATHER HOW TO TELL THE WEATHER To Tell the weather, Go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather. Sincerely, The CAT
INTERESTING SITES: GIBBERISH! NOT ANYMORE! Thanks to Bill Myers Say you friends residing in other countries and they are trying to impress you with their command of that country's native tongue, so they refuse to write you in English; well Bunky here is what you do. Just access Babelfish and type your communication in English then ask for the appropriate translation and click send. They will think you took a an in-depth language course. Also you can take their foreign scratchings and translate them into English. You will probably find that they aren't as smart as they want you to think they are. Be careful with the natives though because some literal translations can place you into an embarrassing situation, you know, a very different meaning than intended. Ain't that neat though? You can translate into either English, French, German, Italian, Portuguese or Spanish? www.babelfish.com/
CLINTEASTWOOD.NET Go ahead, make my day! Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya punk? A man's got to know his limitations, but for fans of the squint-eyed one, this page is the virtual mother lode of Eastwoodology. Study his five decades of work in film and television. Answer all the questions in the Clint trivia quiz. Learn how he freed the common folks of Carmel, California, from restrictive government regulation (no ice cream on the cobblestones? Please!). View pictures and video clips, liberate merchandise from High Plains Shopper, and remember: aim for the heart, Ramon! Always aim for the heart! clinteastwood.net/welcome.html
SEARCH ENGINE One2seek is a metasearch engine that sends your request to 45 search engines at once. Enter your keywords, choose where to search, turn the Family Filter on or leave it off, and click Seek. Your choice of searchable areas includes the following: Major search engines All Web search engines Fast search engines General Web directories MP3 directories News engines File directories Auctions www.one2seek.com
HOW 'BOUT A SHOW? This site is a comprehensive resource for live theater worldwide. You can look up show times in the top 100 U.S. markets, as well as key global markets including London's West End. Just enter your zip, city, or venue, or you can search by show name and region. Find out what's hot and what's not according to the public or the critics. Consult the weekly list of the top-grossing Broadway shows or the Critics' Scorecard, a simple digest of reviews of major productions by top critics. Catch up on the latest news, reviews, gossip, and openings. The Stars section helps you keep track of Broadway veterans and fresh faces alike. The Showtunes section allows you to search by composer or musical and displays the resulting information along with audio samples. When it comes to theater, this site takes center stage! www.broadway.com
INSECTS ON THE WEB A very talented and dedicated guy named Dexter Sear has created a colorful, visually stunning site that's perfect for kids and curious adults. It's broken down into four sections. Entophiles is a database of hundreds of insects, from Dragonflies to Walking Sticks. Look up each insect's common name, scientific name, description, and photo. Cedigest contains articles on Cultural Entomology, which studies how bugs affect human society. (Surprise! It's more than just bites and stings.) Class:Insectia explores different aspects of insects, such as studying moth wing patterns. It's a great resource for teachers and students alike. Finally, Entolinks is a list of other useful insect Web sites. The only bug you won't find here is the kind that crashes your computer. www.bugbios.com
A WHOLE BUNCH OF NEWSLETTERS I think this one came from Peg Masden. Thanks Peg This is another of those sites that has links and opportunities to register for email newsletters. Choices are spread over multi-humungus sites. Soup to Nuts, Alpha to Omega, A to Z, Top to Bottom and all the king's men if you wish. www.topica.com/tipworld
GET TOOLBAR CLASSY WITH HOTBAR. Here is one for the aesthetic minded. Customize your toolbar and add another small thin page width toolbar to your browser. It will contain hot buttons for your customization. Choices include weather, search tool, web tools, news, games, chat, ecards, finance, tech, sports, etc. The really neat feature is the ability to add a background graphic, they call them "skins", to the entire toolbar area. So it is kind of like a one line Portal with the custom hot button features.
The example is not page width in this newsletter but it stretches over the entire toolbar area on the browser. You can design your own or pick from 37,449 custom graphics available from Hotbot. Submit your designed Skin and win $1000.00. I must warn you that I was messing around in the edit area and was twice fataled with a Netscape Kernel error. It closed Netscape but did not throw up the BSOD (Blue Screen Of Death). I had no trouble with any other feature. It is a very small program and needs to be downloaded and then installed. It adds the program to the list of programs you can uninstall from the Add/Remove Program feature in Control Panel. So you can kiss Hotbot good-bye if you do not like it. The minimum system requirements for using Hotbar are a Pentium 133 with 64,000 colors. Hotbar technology works with Internet Explorer 4 and up, Netscape Navigator 4.08 and up plus later versions of Eudora and Opera. To start downloading an EXE version of Hotbar Click on "Tell me more" which appears under the center page graphic. You will go to a page that has an index at the top, http://www.hotbar.com/help/netscape.htm#10. Read what interests you. To get the .EXE download scroll to the top of the page and choose How can I get an .EXE version of Hotbar? Follow their directions. www.hotbar.com/site/dash.htm hotbar.com/help/netscape.htm#10
DOWNLOAD WITH GREATER EXPEDIENCY! We played with this one in the Senior Advanced Class last Wednesday and we liked it. You must be careful if you currently use Get Right or Smart Download to assist in your downloading exercises. This one will want to be the default download client, but you will probably want it to be. It works quite the same except it has an additional feature. It will search all the possible sites to download your program choice and recommend the one that will be the fastest. downloads.com says: Download Accelerator Plus is the world's leading download acceleration software. The software is fully integrated into the browser. Users report up to 300% FASTER downloads(*). Download Accelerator uses unique algorithms to achieve these results. The software is available FREE of charge. In order to set up the software, no configuration is required -- only a simple installation procedure. ZDNet says: Speed up your downloads with Download Accelerator Plus (DAP). This jaw-dropping browser plug-in accelerates downloads by using multiple streams and, when possible, multiple sites to download your files. How much of an improvement will you see? DAP's creators suggest up to 300% improvement. We tested it on both a cable connection and a 56k dial-up connection and found downloads zipped through between 200 and 400 percent faster than without DAP. This turbo-charged program is a breeze to use. It places an icon in your taskbar via which you can adjust program options, and it integrates with Internet Explorer and Netscape, monitoring your clicks and automatically popping up to handle downloads. It also supports resumable downloads. Note: This free software contains advertising technology that will occasionally use your Internet connection to receive and display ads. Reviewed on Aug 17, 2000. Downloads.com www.downloadaccelerator.com/ or ZDNET www.zdnet.com/downloads/stories/info/0,,000ZGG,.html
DIDJA KNOW?: Elephants romp on Web GOPers outnumber Dems in poll By Steve Gelsi, CBS.MarketWatch.com Last Update: 10:04 AM ET Sep 28, 2000 NewsWatch Latest headlines NEW YORK (CBS.MW) And Al Gore invented the internet. Cyberspace is ruled by elephants, according to a new poll that says Republicans outnumber Democrats on the Web. Media Metrix (JMXI: news, msgs) said registered Republicans represent 36.8 percent of the World Wide Web compared to 27.9 percent for the Democrats. This may be a rude awakening for Democratic presidential candidate Al Gore, whom in the past has attempted to woo voters by projecting a techno-savvy image during the campaign. The remaining 35.8 percent were either affiliated with other parties or were not registered. Mindy Tucker press secretary for Republican presidential candidate George Bush, said Web "is a good venue" for reaching independent voters, seen as critical to victory this year. Republicans tend to prefer financial news on the Web with TheStreet.com, Bigcharts.com, Schwab.com, Etrade.com and Fidelity.com lining up as five of their top ten picks. Dems, on the other hand, tend to seek out free content and services with Colonize.com, Askme.com, Ehow.com, Arcamax.com, Ezsweeps.com and Clubmom.com weighing in as six of their top ten picks. "Web behavior by registered Democrats and Republicans differs markedly," said Doug McFarland, president, Media Metrix.
KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON! Why, when I get upset, do people yell for to me, "keep your shirt on!" Well, not long ago, men used to get ready to fight by taking off their shirts. The expression, "keep your shirt on" merely means, don't get ready to fight over this.
FREE CAPS! When graduates of various military academies (West Point, Annapolis, etc.) toss their hats at the end of their graduation ceremonies, how do they go about finding their hat? Sound dumb? Well actually it's not. These caps are no longer part of their uniform (as they have just been promoted), and so they often don't care where their hats go. What usually happens is that the press grabs a few, relatives grab a few, and children grab the rest. In the land of the ordered military, this becomes a finders-keepers free-for-all.
360 DEGREES Why are there 360 degrees in a circle? This is the brilliant creation of the Egyptians. They chose 360 as it matched the number of days in their solar year. (They later added five days to correct their calendar.) The sign for degree (that little circle) is actually an ancient symbol for the sun. The degree was used to measure the distance through the Zodiac that the sun traveled each day.
Why don't figure skaters get nauseous when spinning? The great figure skaters can make as many as six revolutions per second. Since that would make most of us decorate the ice with our dinner, these folks must know something that we don't. Indeed, they do. Skating instructors can teach even amateurs not to get dizzy in a spin, but they must have apt pupils. Actually it's the pupils who must have apt pupils because the trick is in the eyes. Dizziness results from rapid eye movement as skaters focus on objects flying by. The trick is to keep the eyes still by imagining a fixed blurred line and focusing on it. I tried that once and imagined a buffet table. It didn't work. Source: DO PENGUINS HAVE KNEES?
I bet you think that Henry Wadsworth Longfellow made up the character of Hiawatha in his interminably long poem, "The Song of Hiawatha." Most people do. But, shades of Minnehaha, the joke's on you. Hiawatha was a real 16th century figure in upstate New York who helped to unify the Five Nations: the Cayuga, Mohawk, Oneida, Onondaga, and Seneca tribes. Longfellow, in his poem, just shifted him westward to the Great Lakes. Maybe the shopping was better out there. (Source: FABULOUS FALLACIES)
IN NUCLEAR WEAPONS TERMINOLOGY, WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FIRST STRIKE AND FIRST USE? A first strike is a massive initial attack intended to destroy all or most of a nation's strategic nuclear weapons and cripple its ability to retaliate. First use is the initial employment of nuclear weapons in response to a conventional attack.
WHERE IN THE BIBLE DOES IT SAY THAT CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS? Nowhere. It came from John Wesley (1703-1791), the British theologian who founded Methodism.
DID NEIL ARMSTRONG SAY, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKND"? That's what it sounds like on the tape that was recorded at 10:56 p.m. (EST) on July 20, 1969. But what he intended to say was, "That's one small step for 'a' man, one giant leap for mankind." The "a" was somehow lost in the transmission.
HOW DID THE KINGDOM OF OZ GET ITS NAME? Although some biographers believe the story of Oz's naming to be a fanciful as the tales themselves, author L. Frank Baum claimed that he was inspired by a file cabinet marked O-Z. Other suggested derivations include: a variation on Uz, Job's house; a variation of children's oh's and ah's; and a variation of Boz, the pseudonym for Charles Dickens, one of Baum's favorite authors.
QUOTES: I am nothing special; of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough. --Nicholas Sparks
What I see in Nature is a grand design that we can under-stand only imperfectly, one with which a responsible person must look at with humility. This is a genuine religious feeling and has nothing to do with mysticism. --Albert Einstein
Nothing truly valuable arises from ambition or from a mere sense of duty; it stems rather from love and devotion towards men and towards objective things. --Albert Einstein
"Our worth is determined by the good deeds we do, rather than by the fine emotions we feel." --Elias L, Magoon
"It is only possible to live happily-ever-after on a day-to-day basis." --Margaret Bonano
"Do not wait for ideal circumstances, nor the best opportunities; they will never come." --Janet Erskine Stuart
"You learn to build your roads on today, because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight." --Veronica Shoffstal
"Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend." --Theophrastus
"What isn't tried won't work." --Claude McDonald
"The men who have done big things are those who were not afraid to attempt big things, who were not afraid to risk failure in order to gain success." --B. C. Forbes
Thanks to Judy Garner for the next three, especially the last one. A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?" The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." The rabbi had his turn of interrogation: "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..." The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice." The two resumed their reading. It was silent for a while. Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
Back to heaven. After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
Live and learn. Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!" The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I Couldn't walk for a year!"
John Simcox sent this one, thanks. YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM PENNSYLVANIA IF... 1. "Hey Yunz Guyz!" is a greeting. 2. You take time off of work/school for the entire 3 days of doe season. 3. One of the highlights of your life was a field trip to Penn's Cave and Horse Shoe Curve. 4. You know exactly what to do when your Mother tells you to "Red up your room." 5. You know the time and location of every "Wing Night" 20 mile radius. 6. You don't think people from Philly or Pittsburgh talk funny. 7. You don't understand what all the hype is about for Rolling Rock beer, You've been drinking it for years, even though Yuengling is better. 8. You consider an exotic vacation a trip to Virginia or Myrtle Beach. 9. You're over 35 years old, have never been outside of Pennsylvania, and don't see the need to leave. 10. You only own three spices: salt, pepper, and Heinz ketchup. 11. You design you and your children's Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit. 12. Driving is always better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 13. You find 20 just "a little" chilly. 14. You can recite the four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction. 15. Words like hoagie, chipped ham, and pop actually mean something to you. 16. You can use the phrase "Fire Hall Wedding" and not even bat an eye. 17. You think very little of an Amish buggy on the road. 18. You learned long ago how to "step carefully" around the buggy tie-ups in the supermarket parking lot.
Thanks to Bud Casselberry for the last three. Making the best of a bad situation. Two friends are playing golf together. One of them has landed on a dirt track,covered in gravel and sunken stones. The owner of the ball ask his friend: " Do you mind if I have a drop, I cannot play from here, it's too rough." "No, I'm sorry, but you have to play the ball as it lies!" "But I'm going to destroy my club, it's all rocks and gravel." "Tough, no favors, you play the ball as it lies." The poor chap stops arguing and take his first trial swing and of course, gravel and sparks fly everywhere. Second swing, same again. Finally he feels ready, moves to the ball and hits ... gravel and sparks everywhere, but the ball flies off beautifully, lands on the green and stops inches from the cup. "My God, what a shot! Which club did you use?" To which he replied "Your five iron..."
Lee Trevino complex. Jim believed that he was a good caddie. He certainly had a superior attitude towards the man whose clubs he carried The month before last he had caddied for Lee Trevino and now each time his client asked for a 5-wood, the boy would sneer, "Lee Trevino used a 4-iron from here." And so it continued all the way around. The caddie recommended the clubs Trevino would have used and the golfer's game went rapidly from bad to worse Finally, at the eighteenth, there was a huge lake to cross. "OK, know-all," said the golfer, "what would Trevino suggest here?" "I think if Lee had come this far with you, he'd say, 'Use an old ball."'
Bear episode. t's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence....listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time.......I haven't made the @#*% porridge yet!
OK! That's a Wrap. See ya next week! I hope you enjoyed this communication and can attend one or more of the sessions scheduled for this week.